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Thread: Lonely Corridors

  1. #1
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Lonely Corridors

    Bare all I have done
    In lonely corridors the only one.
    Alive, bleeding, but no one knows;
    Always stays inside of me, but the feeling grows.

    With anxiety I approach every thought,
    Hence I'm viscerally nervous when you see me
    Alone on the street,
    Striving my feet to the gravity of the wind
    Where I'm always led to a dark room,
    Held against my will to pray.

    There I kneel to an unfeeling God;
    Where every thought I cry and feel
    The bleeding of my soul,
    Hopeless, doomed to remain celibate
    To never rest of my fears.

    Inside is an even viler room,
    Where the blackness brims my blood,
    As a transfusion of evil shards
    Ships into my veins;
    I cry out begging for mercy
    But I'm tied down and led around
    To just another dark shrouded place.

    Hellishly blue and cold
    No one knows of this room,
    Covered by the blown dirt and rusted sky
    Where I live unloved by all.

    Deep inside lonely corridors I walk again,
    An unknown feeling barring down upon me,
    An empty bubble sent out to the stratosphere
    Where it never rest,
    Always blows in retrospect of invisible tears.

  2. #2
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    I like it, specially the second and third stanzas.

  3. #3
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Probably the darkest poem I ever wrote.

    Thanks

  4. #4
    an organized mess
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    "Doomed to remain celibate?" Sorry, that line made me giggle a bit. But I really liked the reference to the "rusted sky."

  5. #5
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    When I started this poem I was pretty young. I believe I wrote this in 1983, but have never been happy with it. I've made changes here and there. But the general feel is doom & gloom lol. Thanks

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Very dark Shadows and obviously a great effort back in 1983!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  7. #7
    an organized mess
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    1983?! Geez, I am ALWAYS wrong about how old people are. It drives me nuts!

  8. #8
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    That year totally doesn't match up with the image in this reader's head...

    ... And more than half a decade later there was:






    J
    Last edited by Jack of Hearts; 08-11-2011 at 11:29 PM.

  9. #9
    Registered User kittypaws's Avatar
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    ShadowsCool I know where you are coming from but some times less is more.

    Go back and see what is repetitive in feelings and words and edit that out and restructure what is left. Your poem has much potential....please, keep at it.

    kittypaws
    Everyone finds himself in the world where he belongs. The essential thing is to have a fixed point from which to check its reality now and then.
    Ancient Egyptian Inner Temples

  10. #10
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Agree with kittypaws. It's a nice poem that needs tightening and ridding of repetitions.
    I'd rather not deal with people's age, too much of a surprise for the most!
    Thanks for sharing this and looking forwards to your newer offerings!

  11. #11
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Thanks all for the great input. I will work down the road on making it less repetitous and tighter. It's just that I've lived with this poem so long, it becomes a part of you.

    Know what I mean? Great points by all of you.

    Shadows

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