Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Life And Death

  1. #1
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Captivated in a foul vessel.
    Posts
    1,005

    Life And Death

    When the immortal sun
    sets forever,
    and the moon shines,
    no more.

    When eternal darkness
    veils the light,
    and your eyelids are closed
    by pitiful tips.

    When black and white
    seem to be one,
    and silence
    encapsulates all sounds.

    When your red cheeks
    go pale white,
    and your body's warmth
    is replaced with ice.

    When your future
    becomes a dream,
    and all your past
    is just a nightmare.

    That's just when,
    life and death
    mightily collide.
    Last edited by Twota; 07-23-2011 at 08:45 AM.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Fremantle Western Australia
    Posts
    9,886
    Blog Entries
    62
    One of your best efforts so far.

    I will question the following lines:

    and your eyelids close
    by pitiful tips.

    Not quite sure whether you mean 'their' rather than 'by'

    Good going Twota
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Captivated in a foul vessel.
    Posts
    1,005
    Yay! Glad you like it and I meant " your eyelids are closed
    by pitiful tips" ;D
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    Definitely a step in the right direction...

    but I'm also baffled by 'pitiful tips' - are they fingertips? and if so, why are they 'pitiful'?

    Also I'm wondering whether the final verse is necessary - 'mightily collide' is certainly rather excessively cataclysmic, and you've already described enough for the reader to figure out what this is supposed to be about.


    H

  5. #5
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Captivated in a foul vessel.
    Posts
    1,005
    Quote Originally Posted by hillwalker View Post
    Definitely a step in the right direction.
    YAY!

    and 'pitiful tips', yah, they are finger tips, and they are pitiful cuz they are closing a dead's eyelids, you know, that last touch.

    For the final verse, I found it the only way to end it, can't let it end with:
    When your future
    becomes a dream,
    and all your past
    is just a nightmare.


    but, I 'll think of sth.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

Similar Threads

  1. Life, Death, Mystic, Misery, and Hope
    By Larka85 in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 07-07-2011, 03:18 PM
  2. I saw the realms of God a personal experience of life beyond life
    By Alan McDougall in forum Religious Texts
    Replies: 100
    Last Post: 02-02-2011, 12:01 PM
  3. Emily Dickinson's Poem Number 512
    By Ron Price in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-25-2010, 09:49 PM
  4. A guide on how to live ones life
    By Alan McDougall in forum General Writing
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-14-2009, 05:39 AM
  5. Regret Of Death.
    By spacetoon in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-28-2007, 02:59 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •