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Thread: Please Read?

  1. #1

    Please Read?

    Hey, this is something that I only started yesterday and haven't done much work on. I would really like some feedback....

    "I'm sick of being miserable,
    I'm sick of being sad,
    I'm sick of haunting memories,
    Of happiness I had.

    I miss your little jokes,
    I miss not knowing what I'd find,
    I miss our perfect silences,
    The way you read my mind.

    I hate that little divided us,
    I hate my interfering pride,
    I hate your quiet callousness
    And the fact that now I hide.

    I wish that tomorrow will be better
    I wish that everything was great
    I wish our friendship could be saved,
    I wish for no more hate."

  2. #2
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I think periods would work better than commas at the end of some of the lines. On line 9, I think "that" should be "what". I didn't understand line 9: what fact was hidden? Line 10 could be made a bit shorter.

    Overall, I liked the rhyme and you seemed to use correct meter, but I don't know what caused the problem between the two of you and that might be interesting to explore.

  3. #3
    I've changed the word 'interfering' to meddling and it seems to flow better. Thanks a lot for your help, I haven't wrote a poem in years and this one was quite interesting to try. Many Thanks, B.

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