Help!

[bethany_sarah]

Hi, I could really use some help with this short story. It is only 240 words and I don't want to add to it in the least. I would just like a really honest opinion from someone unbiased any help would be immensely appreciated. Thanks in advance.

This was the end. There was no more that could be done. All of the protectors had fallen and Silas was the only one left to face the terrific beast. Sweat streamed from his brow and blood dripped from gaping wounds like tears down a filthy face.
In the darkness, it howled.
Luminous yellow eyes appeared everywhere he looked. It was fast. Silas stumbled backwards and reached for the blade concealed in the fold of material that used to be his pocket. Before he even removed the blade another gash marred his face. Silas’ throat burned as he screamed in agony. It was vicious. He pictured the beast as best he could but how could you fight what you couldn’t see?
Midnight fur covered a head so inhuman and horrifying it could not be described and teeth more severe than the sharpest blade hung in jagged rows. This was the thing that had murdered more people than disease. It had lived for countless millennia. The beast moved so fast it became invisible to the human eye. It was the perfect predator simply because once it took a hold of you that was it. Nothing could stop pure instinct. As proof, mangled bodies lay around him, broken beyond repair.
As his breathing grew more ragged Silas cursed.

[hillwalker]

You’ve done a pretty good job of setting the scene – but the 'story' was not especially appealing because there’s not a great deal happening. You have skillfully built up the tension - then left the story hanging in the air. Why feed the reader all of this background regarding the predator if we are never going to discover whether or not the threat is as real as you tell us it is? Why should we care about Silas if the writer doesn’t?

There are a few suggestions I could make to touch up what you’ve written so far :

Sweat streamed from his brow and blood dripped from gaping wounds like tears down a filthy face.
In the darkness, it howled.

What does it refer to – the sweat? his brow? the blood? or his face?
I’m guessing none of the above – but you have left a substantial gap between the creature and this sentence. You have to establish the ‘terrific beast’ as the subject of this sentence for the piece to make proper sense.

The same applies to the following sentence – he looked – and then the next – it was fast. I found it distracting how you kept changing perspective because you are an independent narrator rather than writing purely from Silas's pov.

As a setting you have created a reasonable starting point – but establishing conflict then taking it nowhere is going to leave most readers feeling short-changed.

H

[bethany_sarah]

Hey, thanks so much for replying and for being honest.

Just a little bit of background information: this was written for a 'short story' competition for schools around my area, it was more about the building of tension than about the character and it had to be under 250 words so my ability to make the reader care for the character is limited.

Thanks for the help- I will certainly take what you have said into account and make some changes.

B

[Delta40]

You have created tension for sure. I would question this line:

He pictured the beast as best he could but how could you fight what you couldn’t see?

Do you mean

He pictured the beast as best he could but how could he fight what he couldn't see?

or

He pictured the beast as best he could how how can you fight what you can't see?

Just a thought. I feel your line is a little awkward.

Good luck

[bethany_sarah]

Thanks for pointing out the mistake! I must have read it a million times and I never noticed...

Thanks for the feedback- much appreciated!!