The Faulty Beetle

[deguonis]

-----------------------------------------

[hillwalker]

This is certainly more original - but it's a little repetitive. And I'm not convinced it's even a poem despite your splitting it up into 4-line verses. It could be read just as easily as a piece of prose.

I would suggest you read a lot more poetry to get the feel for how it works - the sounds of the words and their juxtaposition is more important than giving the reader bits of information.

H

[deguonis]

This is certainly more original - but it's a little repetitive. And I'm not convinced it's even a poem despite your splitting it up into 4-line verses. It could be read just as easily as a piece of prose.

I would suggest you read a lot more poetry to get the feel for how it works - the sounds of the words and their juxtaposition is more important than giving the reader bits of information.

H

Thank you, sir. Your opinion is truly helpful.

Rhymes are not outdated - but poetry is not just a series of lines that rhyme despite what many people believe. And in too many cases writers new to poetry concentrate on finding rhyming words to attach to the end of lines instead of just expressing themselves clearly.

Those first two verses, for example - it's obvious your choice of words was based purely on whether or not they rhymed rather than on their suitability. Calling this lady's nose 'aquiline' and her humour 'asinine' - is that really what struck you about her???

H

No, that wouldn't be what struck me about her. You're right. I admit I was more focused on finding a rhyme rather than on the sounds of the words or on delivering a clear message.
Thank you.