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Thread: New amateur here

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2011

    New amateur here

    Just found the site and have a couple of poems I have written, currently working ( very slowly ) on a novel, really like to be able to say I have written one. Anyway......

    Hidden Love

    She has great magic within her control,
    to make me smile and feel so full of glee,
    yet says that I have set her spirit free.
    I have no true power over her soul,
    my feelings for her have no hidden goal.
    It’s hard to hide and surely all can see
    that my lonely heart grows inside of me.
    Her love has made me feel that I am whole.

    The future is not for us to yet know,
    so we steal our moments and live in them.
    From these stolen times forbidden hopes stem
    and we fearfully ask “Can this love grow?”

    The feelings build and refuse to subside
    longing for the day when love doesn’t hide.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Its a good effort with a good meter and rhyme scheme. However, I'm confused by the content. You initially state she has a profound effect upon you causing feelings of love and elation, then state this is reciprecated despite your lack of control. Then go on to state you have a growing lonely heart. This completely contradicts the set up theme of two people falling in love. You then go on to create another contradiction, "my feelings for her have no hidden goal" and "longing for a day when love doesn't hide". Overall this gives a sense of a forced piece of work.

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    I see, never thought of it but I probably should have gone with atrophied heart, to show my heart had been withering from lack of love. Not sure, will have to think about it. The poem was from me to a woman I fell in love with when I was married and we had to keep things hidden, I was trying to tell her that my feelings were real and without motive and that I yearned for a day when I could be open with my feelings to everyone.

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