IceM's Poetry Laboratory

[IceM]

I found it more convenient to post multiple poems in one thread than hunt down the threads under which I had already posted.

I'm breeding thoughts for which I hope my ability may someday perfect. If not, at least it affirms my eternal incompetence at the craft.

Cite the poem you're referring to if you choose to respond, please. Thank you!

Pens and Pencils

If but my blood could write, I'd slash my arm,
bleed through my pen and smear my heart on the page,
for that is when poetry is beautiful.

Instead, I'm given a pen and notebook
whose mere sight gives me spasms.
My first kiss relived.
Trembling fingers,
sweat threatening my grip--I hope she liked it--
and the pen, gently stroking herself against
the white body, pores whispering from
the shortening distance.

Paper beckons me forward to
join in. From that I learned,
I really suck at three-ways.

Bleeding forth from the pen,
I tell the world,
"Hear my voice! Live my dreams
and cherish my thought and remember me!"
Standing from every hillside and mountaintop,
I scream my beliefs!

I'm one of millions.

So then I speak them.

I'm one of millions.

So then I whisper them.

I'm one of millions.

But if my blood could write,
I'd bleed through the pen and smear my heart on the page,
hoping someday to make something beautiful.

[IceM]

Searching

Death comes to those who,
seeking some knowledge beyond
Man, find it elsewhere.

Ode to Survivalism

Conflagration and
strife have spread far, wars waged,
but Man will rise yet.

A Nihilistic Mindset

Birds with clipped wings
cry out, unheard by the world.
yet they will still sing.

[Delta40]

Firstly, I like the name of the thread. Secondly ' I'm breeding thoughts' is a great line for a poem!

Thirdly, the first poem has all the dramatis of the self threatening to be lost amongst the million of other voices. I like that you become them all. I think the poem needs a bit of reshaping.

Paper beckons me forward to
join in. From that I learned,
I really suck at three-ways.

Bleeding forth from the pen,


sounds a little bumpy to me and sucking at three ways seems totally incrongruous with the poem! However, your passion leaks through the ink and onto lit-net!

Finally, the short ones require at least one strong cup of coffee before I can sift through the appearance of some deep thinking and establish if it so (its early morning here!)

keep writing.

[qimissung]

IceM, I love the first poem. Pens and Pencils. It has heart, even if it isn't literally bleeding. I agree with Delta, though, that it needs a little tightening up. would you consider eliminating the "I'm one of millions" section?

Keep writing!

[MorpheusSandman]

I rather like the "one of millions" sections, it's actually the opening and closing that seem rather cliched. I might recommend starting from the point you're writing without setting it up. You can create drama through what you're encountering and then reveal that it's actually you writing, rather than actually in the moment yourself. I might even start with "my first kiss relived". There's a lot of creative things you can do to write about the drama of writing without revealing that you are writing; the perspective itself will recreate the feeling you're trying to express.

I like the shorter pieces as well; they're a bit like haikus, and all nicely aphoristic. "Man are but those birds" is probably too direct though. In such formats I prefer to let the images speak as symbols rather than spelling out the metaphor/simile. You open up more interpretive possibilities that way.

[IceM]

Firstly, I like the name of the thread. Secondly ' I'm breeding thoughts' is a great line for a poem!

Thirdly, the first poem has all the dramatis of the self threatening to be lost amongst the million of other voices. I like that you become them all. I think the poem needs a bit of reshaping.

Paper beckons me forward to
join in. From that I learned,
I really suck at three-ways.

Bleeding forth from the pen,


sounds a little bumpy to me and sucking at three ways seems totally incrongruous with the poem! However, your passion leaks through the ink and onto lit-net!

Finally, the short ones require at least one strong cup of coffee before I can sift through the appearance of some deep thinking and establish if it so (its early morning here!)

keep writing.

Thank you for reading Delta!

The three-way comment was meant to parody my self-created idea that I struggle to successfully portray my thoughts, from my blood to the pen to the paper. It was also meant to provide a slight aside of humor.

I normally wait anywhere from a week to a month to revise poems, only to give myself time to work on others and, when my gaps between readings are longer, I notice more of what can be improved. I'll make sure to take your recommendations into mind!

IceM, I love the first poem. Pens and Pencils. It has heart, even if it isn't literally bleeding. I agree with Delta, though, that it needs a little tightening up. would you consider eliminating the "I'm one of millions" section?

Keep writing!

Thank you for reading Qimi! I'll take your advice into consideration, and will later edit this poem. Thank you!

I rather like the "one of millions" sections, it's actually the opening and closing that seem rather cliched. I might recommend starting from the point you're writing without setting it up. You can create drama through what you're encountering and then reveal that it's actually you writing, rather than actually in the moment yourself. I might even start with "my first kiss relived". There's a lot of creative things you can do to write about the drama of writing without revealing that you are writing; the perspective itself will recreate the feeling you're trying to express.

I like the shorter pieces as well; they're a bit like haikus, and all nicely aphoristic. "Man are but those birds" is probably too direct though. In such formats I prefer to let the images speak as symbols rather than spelling out the metaphor/simile. You open up more interpretive possibilities that way.

Thank you for reading Morpheus! Your analysis of my first poem is interesting. I never considered starting from that line. Coming from a Slam background, I normally give a background to my poem, only to make the message clearer. As I begin to edit this poem, I'll tinker with both my beginning and other phrases to see if I can be more precise with my language.

I see the recommendation with the third haiku. I tried to imitate the Rumi "A white flower....let your tongue be that flower" directness, but I agree, I should open up the possibilities in that haiku.

Thank you all for reading! I'd posted some poems here before that, with revision, may be better. I appreciate your readings!

The Night is Beautiful
Inspired by Langston Hughes's My People

The night is beautiful.
So too are the stars,
each a dream,
and an inevitable supernova
destined to adorn the skies
with Hellish reds and Hughes's blues.

The night is beautiful.
So too are the stars,
yet so far away.
Move towards one star
and become farther,
farther,
farther away from all the others.
Indecision is a void,
decisiveness, an exile.
Which to choose? Which to choose?

The night is beautiful.
So too are the stars,
so far away as to be
trepassing on neighboring worlds,
so entrenched with finite dreams
as to be peddling them at local marts,
salesman saying:
Ten dollars for a dream,
twenty for the counterfeit satisfaction
that only counterfeits can provide.
No refunds.

The night is beautiful.

[Bar22do]

I think you're a gifted poet and writer, IceM, you take your craft seriously and have a great respect of the reader. Which is laudable! I enjoyed reading all your pieces here, even if, like others, I think some need tightening (you received good critique how to do it). You evidently try to be yourself while admiring your chosen poets and learning from them.
I loved your "Search" particularly, in which death becomes a new field of exploration. And, like you write in your Pens poem, ah, if our blood could just write for us... Your very last poem on dreams "caught" me especially when I read "indecision is a void/decisiveness - an exile, which to choose..", impossible though necessary choices - loss or change of identity.
Nice to meet you and read your thoughts. Bar

[AuntShecky]

I'm glad to see that you've decided to put all your work in one thread. That way you can chart your own progress. Additionally, as time goes by and you wish to look up one of your previous works, it's a lot easier to find it in a central location rather than scattered all across the Personal Poetry forum. (Don't worry about getting "hits" --every time you post something, even in an "pre-existing" thread, it automatically gets "bumped" to the top of the New Posts forum.)

The other good move you're making is reading as many modern and contemporary poems as you can. Langston Hughes is a good start; you can also learn much from Auden, Eliot, Frost, and Yeats. At this point you should spend more time reading rather than writing (at first.) The more you read, the more craft you'll begin to develop, almost by osmosis.

Even if you prefer writing free verse, it won't hurt and definitely would help to read copious amounts of metered verse. You could also try to write a few metered lines yourself. After a while, you'll get a sense of rhythm and also an awareness of what a "poetic line" is.

Now, about your offerings(so far.) I've read them and the main thing that jumped out at me is that your verses are heavy with abstractions and light on specific images. You'll also want to avoid, if you can, banalities and clichés.

It took me a long time, but just for you I managed to unearth this article by Walt McDonald:
http://wwwstage.valpo.edu/english/vp...naldessay.html

Please read it, at least the first section which deals with
abstractions. The article mentions how Pound abhorred
abstractions; William Carlos Williams as well insisted that there are "no ideas except in things."


Good luck with your reading and writing.

[IceM]

I think you're a gifted poet and writer, IceM, you take your craft seriously and have a great respect of the reader. Which is laudable! I enjoyed reading all your pieces here, even if, like others, I think some need tightening (you received good critique how to do it). You evidently try to be yourself while admiring your chosen poets and learning from them.
I loved your "Search" particularly, in which death becomes a new field of exploration. And, like you write in your Pens poem, ah, if our blood could just write for us... Your very last poem on dreams "caught" me especially when I read "indecision is a void/decisiveness - an exile, which to choose..", impossible though necessary choices - loss or change of identity.
Nice to meet you and read your thoughts. Bar

Thank you Bar! I'm trying to find sources of poetry that, while containing a beautiful aesthetic, capture the messages I'm trying to send. Langston Hughes is supremely talented, and in that regard, a great source to learn from. I'm just looking for multiple poets that capture a message I'm aiming to capture, both skillfully and technically. Thank you for the read. I appreciate your comments.

I'm glad to see that you've decided to put all your work in one thread. That way you can chart your own progress. Additionally, as time goes by and you wish to look up one of your previous works, it's a lot easier to find it in a central location rather than scattered all across the Personal Poetry forum. (Don't worry about getting "hits" --every time you post something, even in an "pre-existing" thread, it automatically gets "bumped" to the top of the New Posts forum.)

The other good move you're making is reading as many modern and contemporary poems as you can. Langston Hughes is a good start; you can also learn much from Auden, Eliot, Frost, and Yeats. At this point you should spend more time reading rather than writing (at first.) The more you read, the more craft you'll begin to develop, almost by osmosis.

Even if you prefer writing free verse, it won't hurt and definitely would help to read copious amounts of metered verse. You could also try to write a few metered lines yourself. After a while, you'll get a sense of rhythm and also an awareness of what a "poetic line" is.

Now, about your offerings(so far.) I've read them and the main thing that jumped out at me is that your verses are heavy with abstractions and light on specific images. You'll also want to avoid, if you can, banalities and clichés.

It took me a long time, but just for you I managed to unearth this article by Walt McDonald:
http://wwwstage.valpo.edu/english/vp...naldessay.html

Please read it, at least the first section which deals with
abstractions. The article mentions how Pound abhorred
abstractions; William Carlos Williams as well insisted that there are "no ideas except in things."


Good luck with your reading and writing.

Thank you for the critique and comments Shecky! I found the essay very helpful, and my English teacher, one who published locally, is serving as my mentor in hopes of becoming a more successful poet. The essay underlies the change my teacher was leading me towards, the essay much more clearly articulated.

I've been reading Frost, although Hughes more thoroughly. I attempted a few shots at meter, and found that iambs were obtrusive much more than I expected.

[IceM]

Two sonnets, both inspired by Jorge Luis Borges.

Siddhartha

An aged man sits beneath the shade tree, caught
in thought, brooding on what the river says.
He hears what perceptive men have dreamt of,
microscopic pebbles whispering truths
Brahmins dream of, timeless masturbations
fertilizing his mind, planting a seed
to germinate through time--named Samsara.

Only the wise understand the death of ego,
starving the senses, knowing all but Life.
He made money and children--Truth made him
trek long through woe and isolation and loss,
pain a constant, conflict a burden, all for
Truth, all to understand what Truth had known;
that there lies no path but one's own.


Art Kane Jazz Portrait, Harlem, 1958

Trombones, cornets and elegant women
dance with classy men, fumes of Cuban cigars
masking French perfume and sensuous love.
Therein, a truth. This world smells of money.

Down the corner, saxophones lament life,
racism bleeding into the reed, being lost
in timeless glissandos, medlies of the
maladies of life: rape and murder, theft
fraud: it all sounds beautiful. In Harlem,
malaise is magical. It is music.

Slavery somewhere beats her drum, lamenting
losing her childhood dreams. For her, we sing:
Cue the bones, cue the sax, cue Louie's fiery brass,
cue the ballroom, flee the pain and feel the jazz.

[Delta40]

I think swapping S1 with S2 in Siddhartha would be more effective. S2 has more of a moral or concluding feel to it. this man lives a rat race life and so ends up under a tree, reflecting.

the second has its own rhythm.

[Bar22do]

You try yourself at sonnet and at Borges at the same time! this is ambitious and praiseworthy, while I can't judge the actual sonnet's quality I can say I enjoyed Siddhartha especially. And I altogether think your attitude to poetry is touching as is your great sense of the last. Best from Bar

[IceM]

I think swapping S1 with S2 in Siddhartha would be more effective. S2 has more of a moral or concluding feel to it. this man lives a rat race life and so ends up under a tree, reflecting.

the second has its own rhythm.

Thank you Delta! I tried at a meter for Siddhartha, but as the stanzas continued, I abandoned it, only because I wanted to jot down the idea before it left me (something that happens often). I've also noticed how some people pronounce words is different from the actual pronunciations--I always tend to emphasize the re in any word with re in it.

Is it fair to say meter is subjective? At least amongst the common reader?

I'll consider your suggestion when the time comes to revise this poem. Thanks for the read!

You try yourself at sonnet and at Borges at the same time! this is ambitious and praiseworthy, while I can't judge the actual sonnet's quality I can say I enjoyed Siddhartha especially. And I altogether think your attitude to poetry is touching as is your great sense of the last. Best from Bar

Thank you for reading Bar! I've found the Borgesian sonnet (although it seems he never intended to create a Borgesian sonnet) is more difficult than anticipated. His prose-esque style combined with a minimali, concrete sense of imagery is actually difficult to do successfully, and, perhaps with the second moreso than the first sonnet, I succeeded, yet not to his degree. But, with more studies, maybe I can. Thank you for reading nonetheless.

Cyclical Sonnet

I met you on summer's hottest day
wearing none but lilac's fresh scent.
Few in words, little did we say,
all that we did, I must admit:

I adultured, her name, Autumn.
Her tender hues led me astray,
Summer, my love is not gone, yet
even nobel loves fall away.

Yet, her leaves do fuel my desire
for compassion to rise again--
And Miss Winter has sparked my fire,

Cyclical love starts again, for when
Summer falls from my love, I will sing,
into my bed, Winter shall spring.

[IceM]

.....

[IceM]

The clouds remain,
So too, the sun.
The skies, still gray,
My cheeks, still dun.

But time has pass’t,
So too, my eye
That could not see
the beauty there.

Monotony
was once her name.
Now all seems alive--
The bees buzzing
In honey hives,
A lazy cat
Snugly purring
With her lover,
Under a tree.

What did I do
To make my eyes
Appear renew’d?

Many just see
An overcast sky
And gray, drab hues
Abound outside.
Yet with keen eye,
One can discern
Just how alive
we truly are.