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Thread: Church

  1. #1
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    Church






    As they crossed the threshhold, the families feet echoed hollowly in the empty building.

    "Momma, what is this place?" asked the smallest.

    "This is a church, little one. You can tell by the cross on the roof, probably a Christian church but that emblem had been used by many cults before this one.' replied her mother.

    Scurrying around the premises, the young 'uns explored eagerly, exclaiming, questioning - with the mother patiently explaining the purposes of the various accoutrements to the best of her abilities.

    "No, Fanny, those aren't dresses, they're robes for the males, decorated to impress the umm, congregation or their god, I'm not sure, since no one has ever seen their god"

    "Yes, Larry, the sound is meant to impress also, the building is designed to give a sense of awe when the songs called hymns are sung and the man in skirts bellows from the pulpit."

    "No, that's not a bath, it's for dunking people who are already clean, to cleanse their insides as well, so they never need soap here"

    "That little bowl is for babies, for without the special water on the forehead they won't remember their names"

    "No, Johnny, you can't start now, I've not checked out that the place is empty, but you can eat that dry stuff, if you're hungry, but it's not much of a meal."

    "Suzie!. You spilled that red stuff and now all the littlies that drank it will have a headache, though why the folks here use such a lousy wine I don't know"

    "Stanley, I know it's a strange picture window, the mans hands do look rather painful - it seems many in this cult are into something called BDSM with blood, pain and self mutilation, there's no accounting for taste"

    "Jimmy!, don't pull on that rope!" Covering her ears, the mother checked on the rest of her brood while the bell tolled deafeningly.

    Bouncing on the low stools, they were delighted with chairs their size.

    "Momma! There ARE small people here."

    "No, darlings, those are for kneeling down while praying because it's too far to the floor, some might never get up again"

    Entreaties from all sides from her family, the mother finally relented...

    "Alright, everyone, go ahead."

    And so the horde of rats fell upon the every part of the wooden pews, altar, fittings, vestments, robes, curtains - gnawing, chewing, splintering until the inside resembled the same forlorn outside of the former church that now sported a weathered For Sale sign....
    Last edited by Jinian; 04-08-2011 at 04:24 PM.

  2. #2
    Ivor Randle, writer themiddleprince's Avatar
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    Were you on a word limit? I think it needs to be 3 times longer; let the reader work out it's about rats (an old timer might scratch his whiskers, but when the young ones' whiskers twitch on the dust of the hard dirt floor then the reader's mind starts questioning).
    Also, get straight in your head the rats' spiritual position: it's explained that Christianity is just one cult that utilised the cross as a symbol, a complex idea when the word "hymn" has to be explained (but not the concept of kneeling to pray).
    Finally, the sudden ending makes it into a punchline, but the looooong list of furnishings the rats set into takes any "punch" out of the line. Write a story not an anecdote.
    There's some nice stuff here and an interesting perspective (what DOES a rat's god look/act like?), give it the space to grow...
    Ivor Randle
    author of The Middle Prince
    Available now on Amazon Kindle for all e-readers

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I guessed mice at:

    "No, Johnny, you can't start now, I've not checked out that the place is empty, but you can eat that dry stuff, if you're hungry, but it's not much of a meal."

    the reason I thought of mice rather than rats is because of the picture and the subsequent association with 'quiet as a church mouse'

    You give some food for thought on the ritual practices of christianity.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
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    Insofar that I'm writing, dashing off, the thought brought on by the picture, as an exercise, then yes, it is in shortened anecdotal form, themiddleprince. Also a test to see if I can stand to write dialog, apparently I can, but doing so has increased my admiration for the patience of authors of books. Had I a collaborator, passing pieces back and forth, I might persist, but saving that, this will do. Certainly an added incentive if I were I being paid by the word.
    lol yes I did leave parts unexplained to the young'uns, I felt I'd assaulted human frailties enough, opening that door and I could write reams. "What Rats, Bats and Unicorns Would View Humans As"
    Much appreciated comments, suggestions, themiddleprince.
    I thank you, Delta40, too sharp you are by far, and here I was going for the shock value!

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