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Thread: Cloud

  1. #1
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    Cloud

    My partner has a cloud that goes in and out with him,
    And what can be the use of it is more than he can limn.
    It's there in the morning and there at sleeping time.
    And follows him to town while the house is in sunshine.

    The cars pull out when I arrive for easy parking places,
    He wonders if they're mystified at giving up their spaces,
    Statistically speaking one can't be too assured, but he
    Thinks I'm very lucky so he's sticking close to me.

    He stops to go to shops and it unzips down a shower
    To let him know devotion and also who's got power.
    As he turns for home it packs its bags, scudding after him.
    To greet with open arms and another drenching whim.

    That's not to say he's paranoid or prone to being glum,
    He's my perfect match with an equilibrium,
    That's why he lives with me, I'm an optimistic soul
    I gnomen count the sunny hours - I find him rather droll.

  2. #2
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    I love the whimsy of the content, but I think you could smooth out the meter a bit. It's basically in ballad form, which usually works better as four lines instead of two, like:

    My partner has a cloud that goes
    in and out with him,
    And what can be the use of it
    is more than he can limn.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  3. #3
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    Um, are these breaks meant to tell one when to take a breath or some other reason? But then it'd occupy twice the space - and I'm all for tidiness...
    Last edited by Jinian; 03-31-2011 at 10:54 PM.

  4. #4
    Freed by your indulgence deryk's Avatar
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    I agree with MorpheusSandman, it isn't bad poetry, but the rhyme-scheme gutters it up much more than it deserves. Redirecting the meter will improve it immensely.
    "My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar

  5. #5
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jinian View Post
    Um, are these breaks meant to tell one when to take a breath or some other reason?
    It's just how ballad meter is written. It's a bit easier read in two lines of 4 and 3 feet rather than one of 7.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  6. #6
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    I see... should I have called it The Ballad of the Cloud? Or perhaps it's not a ballad but something vague and amorphous, maybe best considered as prose?
    Last edited by Jinian; 04-01-2011 at 02:04 AM.

  7. #7
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    Most poems written in ballad meter don't have "ballad" in the title. Emily Dickinson used it a lot. I think it works just fine as poetry. I was just suggesting a restructuring. It's not a fatal flaw, really. I just didn't see a reason for diverting from the norm. There are poems called fourteeners that is essentially ballad meter written in one line like you wrote it, but they're just less common ever since shorter lines became more popular.
    Last edited by MorpheusSandman; 04-01-2011 at 02:20 AM.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  8. #8
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    lol I was just having fun with you, and it's kind of you to spend the time to give me pointers. By the time my stuff is exposed to the world I've finished with it, though I realise I have no schooling in the subject at all. My weakest link is apostrophe(')s, that definitely doesn't come naturally no matter how often I'm quoted a rule for applying. Hey ho, such is life.
    Last edited by Jinian; 04-01-2011 at 04:45 AM.

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