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Thread: Added Stanza: My Senior

  1. #1
    an organized mess
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    Added Stanza: My Senior

    "I'm old,"
    you complain,
    a cantankerous senior.
    Wincing dramatically at the creak, the squeak,
    of rusted geriatric bones,
    you blink feebly behind thick lenses
    and hang your grizzled head.

    Nearby, your brown corduroy jacket
    hangs lonesome in the closet,
    holding the shape of younger self,
    a crumpled receipt for the University bookstore
    forgotten in a pocket.

    Now you lecture in your pajamas
    from behind your computer desk
    as I, your student,
    listen attentively to you, my senior.

    "I'm old!"
    you protest,
    waving gnarled hands.
    "Used up and brittle!
    Now leave me be!"

    How can I?
    Beneath your deceptively wrinkled brow
    greatness wastes.

  2. #2
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    It is what it is...
    or isn't, as the case may be.

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    nice touch the crumpled coat and lecturing in pyjamas EA - it implies a greatness that was.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    nice addition. a plus.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  5. #5
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    I find it extraordinary, theme wise, but also the poetic freedom of the verse! The last short strophe is a moving tribute... thanks for sharing this... best from Bar

  6. #6
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    Reminds me of a poetry teacher I had many years ago. I also liked the corduroy jacket and particularly the crumpled receipt from when he or she was a student.

  7. #7
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Nice insertion, adding dignity to the dude who has seen a lot

  8. #8
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    I read the first version and felt it didn't do justice. This revised version finally gave me something to sink my teeth into and I like the added image of a former "form". Still I feel there's something lacking and this sounds like a contradiction and threw me off again

    Beneath your deceptively wrinkled brow
    greatness wastes.


    shouldn't it be:
    Beneath your wrinkled brow
    greatness wastes
    Last edited by Haunted; 03-21-2011 at 02:26 AM.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  9. #9
    Freed by your indulgence deryk's Avatar
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    Very much improved. Kudos.
    "My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar

  10. #10
    an organized mess
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    Thanks all, for your input.

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