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Thread: Creative Juice

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Creative Juice

    While I clip clop along
    a quiet country road,
    ambition speeds toward me
    like an eighteen wheeler truck

    My old horse is earthy
    and knows the route well
    but he doesn't cope
    with sudden bends and turns.

    Two semis hurtle round the corner,
    one trying to overtake the other.
    I reign sharp to the right
    and the practical horse bolts.

    The cart topples over the grassy verge
    and my livelihood of figs spill out.
    I watch the trucks thunder by,
    caught in the back draught of a future lost.

    My horse gobbles down the sacred fruit
    as I consider the road least travelled once again.
    Last edited by Delta40; 03-15-2011 at 07:34 PM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Ambition heads toward me - speed toward me } should be said second
    like an eighteen wheeler truck - lorry }
    while I clip clop along } should be said first
    a quiet country road. }

    My old horse is earthy
    and knows the route well
    but he doesn't cope
    with sudden turns in my life.

    Two semis round the bend,
    one trying to take over the other. -overtake
    I reign sharp to the right
    and the practical horse bolts.

    My cart topples over the grassy verge
    and a whole delivery of figs spill out. - the day's delivery?
    I watch the trucks pass me by - trucks? storm/thunder past?
    while my horse gobbles down the sacred fruit
    Last edited by MystyrMystyry; 03-15-2011 at 06:39 PM.

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I made some of he changes you suggested. Thanks MM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
    Freed by your indulgence deryk's Avatar
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    Is a horse sharing a road with semi-trucks nearly as reckless and ambitious as the trucks themselves? If ambition is catching up with the speaker because he or she is expressing it as well, then very well played. The last line made me wince. It reminded me of a car accident I was in. Because strangely, I was motivated by the crash (it was an ambitious one), so my experience differs from my reading when I arrive at the horse eating the fruit. Enlightenment never arrives at the suspected place and time. I'm glad the horse benefits from that sacred circumstance as well.
    Last edited by deryk; 03-15-2011 at 08:00 PM.
    "My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar

  5. #5
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Deryk I really appreciate the considered response you give to my work. I suspect you have experience in such matters which I lack but I like how I have developed. Are you well versed in classical and contemporary poetry?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  6. #6
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    I thought of gypsies and considered you meant much more. I was reminded of an odour of chrsyanthemums and being trapped between nature and the industrial. There's a reference

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I like how other readers put an spin or interpretation that even I did not realise it contained. I'm willing to accept that because diversity amongst people is broad. Who am I to limit the interpretation of what I write?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  8. #8
    Freed by your indulgence deryk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    Deryk I really appreciate the considered response you give to my work. I suspect you have experience in such matters which I lack but I like how I have developed. Are you well versed in classical and contemporary poetry?
    More than I'd care to admit. Rather, more than I'd feel safe to admit, because while I've read and studied a good chunk of the western canon, I don't consider myself an expert yet, but someday. I once wrote a poem that documents the changes of English poetics over the centuries, the evolution of the language and structure. I might post it some day. So I can spot allusions pretty well, but I'm no authority.
    "My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    without knowing your poetry too well, I can say the critiques you provide to me and others is invaluble and I urge you to continue.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  10. #10
    Freed by your indulgence deryk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deryk View Post
    So I can spot allusions pretty well, but I'm no authority.
    When I'm looking for them at least. Hahah, I see them now right in front of my face. I feel kind of silly, because they're very obvious ones. I'm not sure to what extent it changes my reading though, to be honest.

    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    without knowing your poetry too well, I can say the critiques you provide to me and others is invaluble and I urge you to continue.
    I had planned on it. I love playing the outsider.
    Last edited by deryk; 03-15-2011 at 09:54 PM.
    "My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar

  11. #11
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deryk View Post
    I had planned on it. I love playing the outsider
    I'm glad.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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