The lines on these machines,
resemble the lines of society,
connect us all,
create motion in this world.
Vast as we are,
we are controlled,
by these machines,
whom we all rely on.
Great as they sound,
they can fail.
They are not so different
than ourselves.
---
Quick free-verse poem..
If anyone knows any poetry tutorials online, I'd love so see them, I'd love to write more captivating poetry.
Thanks.
Last edited by misterreplicant; 03-09-2011 at 05:41 PM.
Books completed in 2011:
- Shadow of the Hegemon - Orson Scott Card
- The Inferno - Dante Alighieri
- The Iliad - Homer
"Homer was on the rowing team at his high school." ~My grandfather
It's a good start but it feels a bit outline-ish. My reaction is that there aren't enough concrete sensations to sustain the very broad abstractions: Society, world, us, they...etc.
It also feels too declarative. At least too declarative to work optimally alongside the other issue I mentioned. It evokes a certain coldness, which is very appropriate for the subject. The best quality I felt was the juxtaposition of fatalism with familiarity. Not sure how much you were looking for a critique, but I hope that helps.
Last edited by deryk; 03-10-2011 at 12:56 AM.
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