Your face folds in disappointment
at what I have not said
as my eyes search the ceiling
for some unwritten script.
My lips are parted, paused,
waiting to utter the golden line
that will bring you back.
Silence expands between us
as a thickened foggy mist;
a shroud of failure
choking unformed words.
I wonder if this was provoked by B|V's excellent recent poem? It feels like the book-end to it, and
My lips are parted, paused
is especially poignant. Your use of "pause" as a transitive verb is subtly very powerful as if the pausing were not of the protagonist's own volition.
No, as much as I admire B|V's work, I would never dare attempt to emulate it!
Fulfills its title brilliantly. Communication breakdown poetically communicated Misadventure.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
one of your best EA. Love searching the ceiling for an unwritten script.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
So, as I was saying, Prince, the reason I wrote this poem is because... What? Oh, sorry, wrong thread. Easily confused!(I wrote a poem about a Fortune Teller recently as well! But as Aunty pointed out elsewhere, it's the most sincere form of flattery isn't it?)
But that does mean I can't really criticize the poem! (I don't think I would have anyway, to be honest.) I also agree with Prince's comment about the use of 'paused' and there are some nice images and a consistent, slightly melancholy tone.
I think describing a mist as 'foggy' is a bit weak, though. I'd go for 'like thickened mist' with that line; the guttural 'k' of 'like' fits with 'expands' and 'choking'; the assonance of 'i' connects the latter two words and supports the density of the phrase; and dropping 'a' also gives three stresses out of four syllables, which enacts linguistically the 'thickness' of the mist. I would say.
Good stuff ea - and look out for my next poem, about domestic enslavement!
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