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Thread: the dinner bell

  1. #1
    Registered User paperleaves's Avatar
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    the dinner bell

    i remember the laughter that came from the kitchen
    when my mother and her sisters spent
    every Saturday afternoon cooking.
    their blood red aprons,
    dainty white fingernails stretched about their tired hands
    like lillies after the Winter
    as my father sat in silence in his study
    scouring over books with his
    glossed over eyes
    so weary, so weak
    for such a strong man.

    I always knew he was looking for an answer
    but to what, I didn't understand.
    I would bring in my coloring books
    and spread them around his reading chair
    like leaves about a dying tree.
    he would cough intermittently,
    a dry, hoarse cough
    that only weathered men have
    and I could smell the taunt of cigarettes
    in his skin.

    we would retreat at the dinner bell
    in single file
    to roast, potatoes, corn, and sweet tea,
    my mother's curls swept about her breast
    and her eyes peering into him
    as if she were waiting for an answer.

    it wasn't until
    I loved a man
    that I realized what they were always
    looking for.
    "real
    loneliness
    is not
    necessarily
    limited to
    when
    you are
    alone
    "
    -C. Bukowski

  2. #2
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Enigmatic in its ending paperleaves, I doubt they are looking for dinner, but I am just a man.

    a dry, hoarse cough
    that only weathered men have
    and I could smell the taunt of cigarettes
    in his skin.
    As a recent ex smoker for ever smitten I enjoyed these lines.

    The whole thing was really well done.
    JB
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 02-25-2011 at 07:35 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  3. #3
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    Hi paper, you always write with such vivid imagery, painting exquisitely detailed pictures of scenes and people. This piece is no exception, but I would query:

    "dainty white fingernails stretched about their tired hands"

    This reads peculiarly I feel. The image it evokes is of hands with fingernails pulled out of shape and spread all over the place. You could replace about with "out from" if you don't want to disturb the metre or just from, but I wonder if you actually need the emboldened portion of the line at all.

    Still, a very engaging poem with it's intimate observation, speculation and resolution.

    Live and be well, H

  4. #4
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Wonderful but as with your latest blog entry (which I have yet to comment on) I feel it could do without the last verse: could do without and, in this case, would be more interesting, more provocative...

  5. #5
    an organized mess
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    A beautiful snapshot. Very well done.

  6. #6
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Ah paper! it's very good, beautiful and dreamy... though I too would suggest to lose the last 4 lines to increase your poem's power! Thanks for this reading, great you're back! Best from Bar

  7. #7
    Registered User paperleaves's Avatar
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    Thank you for the comments bar, prince, hawkman, and everyadventure. I appreciate your feedback.

    I don't know what it is lately, but it seems that every single one of my poems has at least 3 lines at the VERY end that are unneccessary. LOL.

    I really really appreciate your suggestions, as well, because I haven't written in such a long time and I am trying to get my wings back.
    "real
    loneliness
    is not
    necessarily
    limited to
    when
    you are
    alone
    "
    -C. Bukowski

  8. #8
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    he would cough intermittently,
    a dry, hoarse cough
    that only weathered men have
    and I could smell the taunt of cigarettes
    in his skin.

    is very powerful and gives a clear insight into this man. More so, when I read the final lines that render a woman heartbroken. I don't know whether Prince is right in suggesting you cut them so much as edit so it does not have such a moral of this story feel. I think it is important for the reader to feel that sense of searching
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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