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Thread: Love in Chucke Cheese

  1. #1
    Registered User
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    Feb 2011
    Apopka FL

    Post Love in Chucke Cheese

    This one of my first stories I've writen so please read it and tell me what you think.

    This is going to be a long night, is all I think, as me, my sister Amber and my Dad are driving to my youngest sister’s play. I already tried to get out of it by saying I have a headache, but my dad being his usual charming self-told me to ‘stop whining and suck it up.’

    “Jack!! Stop writing in that stupid journal and answer my question.” Jack’s Dad, Pete, snapped. “Uh… what was the question again?” “Did you bring the camera?” “I thought she had it” Jack said while pointing at Amber. “I thought Jack had it” “You got to be kidding me.” Pete yelled “you mean to tell me you both forgot the camera?!?” “Technically you forgot it too.” Jack replied with a smirk. “Jack I don’t want to hear you smart mouth right now, do you think we have enough time to get to the house and back before the play starts?” “Maybe… I think.” “That’s not very helpful Jack you know that. We will at least try cause I don’t think Autumn will like it very much if we don’t get any pictures.”

    So with that Pete turned into a parking lot where he did a U-turn and went back to their house. When they got there Jack jumped out of the car and ran to the door unlocked it, went inside, grabbed the camera off the table and dashed back to the car where his dad was waiting for him and they sped off to Autumn’s play just in time to see it begin.

    Great this sucks epically. Autumn’s play is now over and I have just been told that we are going to chucke cheeses. So not only was I dragged out of my room to see some stupid play but I also get to go to some retarded kids place with a seven foot rat walking around.

    As they pull into chucke cheese Autumn flips out with excitement, “CHUCKE CHEESE!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU I LOVE YOU ALL.” “Well I’m glad you’re happy to be here” replied Amy (their mother) “we thought that since you did such a great job with your play we should do something special just for you” “If it’s just for her then you should of left me at the house” Jack mumbled under his breath.

    As they walked into chucke cheese one of the employees greets them, “Welcome to chucke cheese, my name is Bethany, are you celebrating anything special tonight?” “Yes we are actually” replied Amy “This little girl” she said pointing at Autumn “has just been in her first play and we have decided to bring her here.” “Well that’s just great of you isn’t it now, so how many tokens do you guys want to buy?” As Bethany and his mom were talking something caught Jack’s eye, some girl about his age was looking right at him, but the second she realized he was looking at her she quickly turned her head blushing. ‘Now this could be interesting’ Jack thought. “Hey mom I’m gonna walk around ok.” “Yeah sure Jack just don’t do anything stupid” Amy replied while pulling out her debit card to pay with. Jack walked over to the girl he saw earlier and noted with great interest that he had seen her in the courtyard of his school.

    “Hey my names Jack, what’s yours.” Jack asked when he confronted her. “My name is Megan… So why are you here?” she questioned him back. ”wait before I answer that, do you mean here like right here in front of you or here like in chucke cheese?” Jack said in a joking manner. “I mean here like in chucke cheese” “oh well in that case I’m here with my little sister because she just got done with her play at her school.” “Was it a good play?” Megan asked. “As good as seven year olds can make a play.”
    “What if I were to ask you why you are here right in front of me?” “To tell you the truth the reason I came here is because of the fact that I feel like talking to someone who is my age, and that I think you’re cute.” Jack said with a look of uncertainty.

    She said yes I can’t believe that she said yes. I guess that I can’t say that today was a total waste because when I was at chucke cheese I met this chick named Megan and let me tell you she is smoking hot, and the best part is when I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date with me tomorrow night to see a movie she said yes and gave me her number. Did I mention that she is HOT!?!

    The following night Jack pulled up to her house in his old, beat up Nissan Maxima. As he walked up the drive way to her front door, a guy about 6ft walked out and pointed at Jack and said “come here and sit” indicating to the chair to his left. Jack walked over and sat down. The man who Jack assumed must be her dad studied Jack like a scientist might study an animal. After what seemed like an eternity he spoke.

    “So you must be Jack, the guy my daughters going out with tonight.” “Yes sir I am and le…” “Quiet Jack. Let me talk.” He cut Jack off, “like I was saying you’re probably Jack, the guy my little girl told me about. Let me just tell you this now if you ever try anything with her, you will be sorry you ever laid eyes on her.”

    With that he told Jack to wait outside, a couple of minutes later Megan walked out looking as cute as ever. Her dirty blond hair blowing in the wind, and her crystal blue eyes sparkling like a sapphire in the dimming light of evening.

    “Hey Jack how are you?” Megan asked. Snapping out of his daze he quickly replied “pretty good, how bout you?” “I’m doing fine, what did my dad tell you?” she asked. “I’ll tell you in my vehicle.” Jack told her while opening up the passenger side door to let her in.

    As they drove off to the movie they talked, and talked, and talked. Until they finally arrived at the theater were they walked in, bought their tickets, bought some popcorn and a soda, and went to watch the movie.

    After the movie they walked to the car and drove to Megan’s house to drop her off. As they drove they talked again. “So Megan how did you like the movie?” Jack asked. “It was pretty good for a comedy, the part where Jack Black came in was hilarious.” Megan replied. “Yeah I have to agree on th…” POP EEERRRR. One of the front tires popped and the car screeched to a stop on the side on the road.

    “Whoa that could have been worse.” Megan remarked. “Yeah it could of.” Jack agreed with her, “you wait here I’ll go get the spare.” He told her. “Are you kidding me I’m coming out with you.” She replied sounding a little offended. “Fine come on out then.”

    “You know Jack, I had a really good time with you tonight.” Megan said while looking at the ground and shuffling her feet as if trying to decide something. Jack too busy putting the spare on didn’t notice her strange movements replied “Thanks I had a great time too. I hope that we will go on many more dates.” “Jack there is something I want to give you.” Megan said. “And what may that be.” Jack asked while tightening the last lug nut on. Then he felt something warm and moist on his cheek. It took him a second to register that she just kissed him.

    Tonight was the best night of my life EVER. Even though my tired popped and I needed to get a new one to replace the spare, it was still the best night because she kissed me. First on the cheek and then on the lips when we got back in the car. Not wanting to get into detail I’ll just say that there was a make out session. And to think that this was only our first date. For the first time in a while I actually want Monday to get here so I can see her again.

    The next couple weeks flew by in what seemed like minutes to the two lovers. In those weeks they grew closer and closer, but as they grew closer they grew farther from their friends. Josh finally decided that it was about time for him and Jack to go out like they did when they were both single. So today he decided to ask Jack if he could hang out.

    “Hey Jack you got a second?” Josh asked “Yeah of course man I got a minute, what do you want.” Jack said. “I wanted to know if you wanted to go bowling with me and Tyler tonight? Just us guys like old times.” “To tell you the truth that actually sounds pretty fun, yeah I’ll come why not.” “Cool I’ll tell Tyler that you’re coming and I’ll pick you up at let’s say eight.” “Sure man that’s fine with me. See you at eight.”

    Well tonight is gonna be a fun night. I’m going to go bowling with my two best friends Josh and Tyler. It took a little persuading on my half to Megan cause she doesn’t want me hanging out with Tyler because he is a pothead, but I told her that even though he is a pothead he has been my friend since like 5th grade. She seemed to accept that as a good reason to go bowling with him but still didn’t understand why it had to be a guy’s night, I then told her it’s a guy’s night because we always used to do stuff like this before I met her and that they would like to do it again, which she also seemed to accept pretty well.

    “JACK, COME OUT OF YOU’RE ROOM YOU’RE FRIENDS ARE HERE” Amy shouted “COMING” Jack yelled back and quickly stuffed his notebook under his mattress and ran out of his room quickly said good bye to his parents and then he was out the door running to Josh’s van where he jumped in the back because the van doesn’t have any side doors.

    “So Josh I see you still are driving you’re pedo van.” Jack said jokingly. “It’s not a pedo van.” Josh snapped back. “I hate to burst you’re bubble but you’re driving a white van with no windows, or doors… That means one of two things. One you’re a pedophile or two, you’re a molester. The choice is yours.” Jack said with a smart look on his face. “Actually he is too young to be a pedo.” Said a voice muffled by pillows. “Holy crap are you back here Tyler?” Jack asked while searching through the mass of pillows and blankets in the back of the van. (Josh’s dad and mom argue a lot so his dad sometimes sleeps in the back of the van instead of on the couch and keeps a lot of pillows and blankets back there in case he needs to storm out.) “Yeah man I’m over here.” Tyler said while sticking a hand out of the layers of pillows and blankets.

    “So Tyler how you doin.” Jack asked. “You know me, just trying to get through life without getting in too much trouble.” Tyler said while still under the blankets. “How’s that working out for you?” Josh jumped in from the driver’s seat. “To tell you the truth, not very well cause my parents found my stash of pot and told me that if they ever catch me with it in my possession they will send me to the military academy downtown.” Tyler said with a depressed look on his face.

    “So have you quit smoking then?” Jack asked. “No. I actually have some on me right now, you guys want some?” Tyler asked while pulling out a bag with some weed at the bottom of it. “Dude put that crap away before someone see’s it.” Josh said in a whisper as if the people in the cars around him could hear what they were saying. “I thought you said you were gonna get sent to a military academy if you get caught with that junk again.” Josh continued in the same whisper. “Dude first of all why are you whispering and secondly I’m not gonna get caught with it so shut up.” Tyler snapped back. To get off the subject Jack suddenly exclaimed “hey look we are at the bowling alley. Tyler seemed to instantly seemed to forget about the feud that was taking place only a couple of seconds ago said with excitement “and look there is only a couple of cars here… that means no lines.”

    Josh was equally excited to see that there were very few cars there. Jack on the other hand seemed to lose all of his excitement the second they parked in the parking lot. Josh seeing Jacks sudden loss of spirit decided to confront him about it.

    “Hey man what’s the prob?” Josh asked as politely as possible. “That stupid redneck Brandon is here.” (Brandon and Jacks problems go way back to when they were in 7th grade when they first met and Jack called him a retarded redneck and Brandon called Jack a gay emo, from there it escalated until they almost got in a fight freshman year when Brandon tripped Jack during lunch and made him drop his food all over himself, luckily Josh was there to calm Jack down before anything major happened.) Tyler’s head suddenly shot out of the blankets, “how do you know that, I don’t see him anywhere.” He said as he scanned the parking lot like a hawk looking for any sign of him. “Because genius you see that truck right there, that’s his truck.” Josh informed him. “It is? I did not know that.” Tyler said with a slight grin on his face, but his grin turned into a frown as he asked “so are we going somewhere else?”

    Jack looked at the faces of both Josh and Tyler and saw the disappointment in both of them and came up with a decision.

    “Let’s go inside and bowl. If we get in an argument then we’ll just leave.” Jack said somewhat reluctantly. “Sweet let’s get going then.” Tyler exclaimed while jumping out of the van. “Hey Tyler you go inside and tell the person working tonight and tell them that we want one game and that we are gonna be in there soon to get our shoes okay.” Josh told Tyler. “Sure man, see you guys inside.”

    With that Tyler left to go do what Josh told him. As Jack was getting out of the door, he felt a hand on his shoulder and sat back down. When he turned around he saw Josh sitting there across from him in the driver’s seat. “Jack I want you to know before we go in there that no matter what goes on in there I will have you’re back.” Josh said with a serious look on his face. “Thanks man, it’s good to know that I will have back up if me and redneck decided to kick each other’s ass’s.” Jack said with a grin on his face an added “hey for all we kn…” CRASH!! The sound of glass breaking drew their attention to the front entrance of the bowling alley. “Hey Jack look some idiot just got thrown through the door” Josh said trying to hold back his laughter. Jack squinted trying to find out if he knew who was thrown through the window, then Jack was off running straight towards the guy on the ground yelling back at Josh “That’s not just some idiot, it’s our idiot. Tyler.” The next second Jack and Josh were picking Tyler off the ground and dusting him off. “Hey man what happened?” Josh asked. Before Tyler could reply a voice rang out from inside the bowling alley that Jack instantly recognized as Brandon, “What happened I’ll tell you what happened. That stupid pot smoking retard had the nerve to call me a hillbilly.”

    “So you threw him through a window for speaking the truth?” Jack asked in a smart-*** tone. “Well, well, well I did not see you standing there you gay emo bastard.” Brandon said to Jack. But Jack was ready with another insult which he spat at Brandon “oh so I’m the gay one when you have probably have had sex with most of your family members. You incest loving sicko.” Brandon flinched as if the words were venom that ate away at his skin, then he said “that’s it I’m gonna kick your ***.” And started to take off his bowling shoes. At this point Tyler had recovered from being thrown though glass and was now behind Jack listening to Josh talk to him.

    “Hey Jack this is what I was telling you about in the van earlier, I know you’re not gonna back down from this fight and I don’t want you to, so I’m gonna tell you some crap I learned from my brother in the marines. Since he is bigger than you in height and muscle you need to bob and weave, basically just keep on moving, try to dodge his attacks and give fast but powerful attacks. I’m not gonna help you fight unless one of his friends jump in.”

    With that Josh pushed Jack forward into the fight and watched.

    In the beginning Brandon got two not very powerful punches in and one powerful one in, after that it was Jack’s fight. Brandon swung a high right punch at Jack who easily dodged it and countered with three quick consecutive punches to the gut and jumped back out of Brandon’s reach before he could react. Brandon then charged at Jack in a pathetic attempt to tackle that Jack neatly dodged causing Brandon to fall face first on the asphalt. Jack took advantage of this moment and rolled him on his back where he sat on his chest and started wailing left and right on his face.
    BANG, BANG!! The sound of gun shots rang through the parking lot and instantly stopped the fight. At first Jack thought it was one of Brandon’s friends. Then as he looked up he realized who really shot the gun. “Cops” Jack and Brandon both said in unison.

    “Get up and get against the wall” The officer yelled at them. “Please sir don’t arrest me.” Josh asked “Shut up.” The cop barked at Josh, then turned around and walked to his car leaving the seven teens standing with their faces facing the wall. “Hey red head get over here.” The officer ordered Josh who complied quickly. Tyler took this chance to talk to Jack who was standing to his left.

    “Jack I’m so screwed” Tyler whispered to Jack. “Why?” Jack asked in a whisper. “Because man, I have my weed on me still, and that cop will more than likely do a cavity search, and tell my parents what he finds, you know what that means right?” Jack didn’t answer because he knew there was no need to, they both knew that it was unavoidable. Tyler was going to a military school.

    Then a thought suddenly came to Jack. “Give me the weed man” He told Tyler. “What man. Why?” Tyler asked. “Because man, if you get caught with weed you’re gone, but if I get caught with it the most I’ll get is a slap on the wrist since it’s my first time and when they drug test me they will see I never smoked. Just consider this as a way of me repaying you for when you took the blame for breaking my granddads urn for me.” “Thanks man.” Tyler said while secretly passing the bag to Jack.

    “Hey both of you shut up, and you” the cop yelled while pointing at Jack “get over here.” “Yes sir.” Jack said while walking over trying to decide if what he did was worth the consequences, weighing the pros and the cons in his mind to finally come up with the decision that no matter what happened it was worth not losing his friend.

    “Put your hands on the car and spread ‘em.” The cop ordered. Jack reluctantly followed the orders. As soon as he was in the position, he felt the cops cold clammy hands go from his ankles to his legs, to his thighs, then to his hips where he checked his pockets and pulled out the bag and said “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

    Well this sucks. Over the course of 4 hours I have had my car, TV, phone, iPod, X-box, and freedom taken away. Even though it was for a good cause it still SUCKS. But I guess it could have been worse, seeing as since I’m a first time offender I got away from the cops with a warning and a hour in jail. The bad part is that I might have gotten away with the cops, but I defiantly got in trouble with my parents. They didn’t believe that I was just holding it for a friend (which I was) and have decided to get me drug tested, hopefully when it comes back clean they will believe me then. The only thing I can look forward to is writing in this notebook and, seeing my girlfriend tomorrow.

    The next day during lunch Jack searched the crowd of faces in the lunch room looking for Megan, when he finally saw her sitting with her usual group of friends he approached her.

    “Hey baby. How you doing?” He asked. He suddenly felt a stinging sensation on his cheek, and realized she just slapped him. “DON’T YOU ‘BABY’ ME YOU POT SMOKING ***!!” she screeched at him. “Wait, I can explain, and how did you find out?” Jack replied as fast as he could. “I found out because my friend Jill just happened to be the daughter of the cop that caught you. So go ahead and tell me your excuse for this.” “The truth is that it’s not mine it was a friends.” He told her without thinking. “Oh really, then tell what friend it really belonged to.” She asked. “Uuummm, weeeelll I can’t really tell you.” He replied while shuffling his feet not wanting to sell out Tyler. “Yeah that’s what I thought, Jack we are through.” “No. We can’t be over I…” “Just leave me alone Jack.” She said while walking away. Jack still full of grief and shock over the fact that he just lost his girlfriend left.

    Jack then couldn’t wait until the bus ride home when he would see Tyler again.

    Ring, Ring. The final bell went off and Jack dashed to his bus and took a seat in the back where he knows Tyler usually sits and waited like a sniper waits for the perfect shot at his enemy, quiet, immobile, and ready to pounce at any second.

    Then he saw Tyler walking up to the bus out the window, and a small inch of satisfaction came over him, soon he will get a little bit of revenge.
    As soon as Tyler walked on the bus he saw Jack sitting in the back and went straight toward him. “Hey man ho...” Tyler was cut off in midsentence as Jack grabbed him and pushed him against the wall of the bus “Its you’re fault you know that. You’re fault that I’m grounded, you’re fault that I now have a misdemeanor on my record and YOU’RE fault that Megan broke up with me.” Jack growled through gritted teeth. “Whoa man take it is easy you’re hurting me, and what do you mean Megan broke up with you, and how is it my fault.” Tyler said with fear in his eyes.

    Jack still pushing him against the wall stared at him, eyes burning, wanting nothing more than to release his anger right now and punch the crap out of Tyler, but as he stared at his friend he couldn’t. Jack then released his grip on Tyler and broke into a sob. “M-M-Megan broke up with me cause she th-thought that I’m a p-p-pothead.” He said in-between sobs. “Oh man I’m so sorry, I guess it is kind of my fault. Here man, take a deep breath and tell me what happened.” Tyler asked him.

    Jack did exactly what Tyler told him to do and retold what happened at lunch, and that he planned to fight him today. Tyler took in every word and went to reply when the bus pulled up to his house and he had to get off. As he was walking down the aisle way he shouted back to Jack “I’ll fix this man, don’t worry.”

    The rest of the bus ride Jack sat in silence in the back of the bus until they came to his stop, then he stood up, got off the bus, walked to his house and went to his room where he fell into a deep sleep.

    When he woke up he looked at his clock and saw that it was just turning seven. “Great’” he said aloud to himself “another three hours and my parents will be home from my sister’s field trip to the zoo. What is there to do?” He thought about a bunch of things he could do but none of them seemed all that fun. He then decided to ride his bike down to the gas station about a mile from his house. When he got there he saw the road he usually takes to get to Megan’s house and thought if he should go and try to repair things with her. He sat there outside the gas station for a good 20 minutes thinking of all the possibilities that could happen if he went. In the end he decided to go to her house and try to patch things up.

    After about another hour of riding he arrived and got second thought about this, and started to tell himself in his head that this was retarded and that he could get in trouble for stalking her. But yet again his heart over powered his mind and he walked up to the front door and knocked on it.
    “Coming” Megan’s voice shouted from inside. He then heard her unlock all the various locks on her front door. (her mom is slightly paranoid and installed at least two locks on every door and window in the house) The second the door opened and their eyes met he lost all fear and said “Megan don’t say a thing I want to tell you something important so please don’t interrupt me. I wanted to tell you that I love you and I love everything about you. I love the way you’re hair shines in the sun like a 22 carrot ring, I love how your eyes sparkle like newly cut diamonds, I love how you’re always glowing with beauty like a full moon but, most of all I love you, and I always will. I know you’re pissed at me because of the pot incident and you have every right to be, but let me tell you that there is a good reason why I can’t tell you who the weed belonged to originally, but I just can’t. I hope you understand.” Before she could answer, Tyler came out from behind her. “Jack that was beautiful” Tyler said.

    “What are you doing here?!?” Jack demanded. Tyler went to reply but Megan cut him off, “he came here to tell me that it was his weed that you were caught with and you were just taking a bullet for him like a good friend should, and then he asked me to take you back. And to tell you the truth I wasn’t going to, but after that I think any girl would be a fool to turn you down.” And with that she threw herself into his arms and they both fell into a deep passionate kiss.

    “Ahem, you two love birds know I’m standing here still right?” Tyler asked. “Oh yeah… Sorry man.” Jack said and looked Tyler straight in the eye and told him “thanks man for everything you have done for me, I don’t think I can ever repay you.” Tyler kept his stare and replied “don’t worry about repaying me man, cause were even.”

    I can’t believe that I’m graduating. It seems like just yesterday I was in ninth grade and had no clue about anything, now I’m gonna walk down the aisle and get my diploma in a month. This past year was the best ever, first of all I proposed to Megan and she said yes, our wedding day in set in a couple of months and my best man is gonna be Tyler. That brings me to the second great thing about this year which is that Tyler is now clean of all drugs and has been for the past three months. The last great thing that has happened this year is that I am now officially done writing in this stupid book for my class, yep I get to turn this in tomorrow for a grade. I hope that Miss Hough doesn’t give me an F because this is apparently 50% of our grade. She said that she’s not going to read it, she’s just going to scan over it, but not a lot of people believed her on that one so the last thing I have to say is that if you’re reading this Miss Hough, you were an okay teacher.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    I'm sure this was huge fun to write. And you write well and with great asssertiveness. But I think you got carried away rather.

    I like the way you switch between his journal entries (?) italicised, and the main plot. But it was rather like reading a very young person's diary. We are told everything that happened, when the story itself doesn't require the reader to be so well-informed.

    Firstly, what was the point of telling us about having to return for the camera? It didn't seem relevant and killed the story stone dead even before we got started.

    Secondly, the dialogue is not very authentic. The word-for-word battle in the car regarding the camera was pretty dreadful. And some of the scenes seemed to consist of nothing but lengthy speeches employed to tell the reader what was happening rather than suggest an actual conversation. Nobody speaks in such long sentences, and always addressing the person they are speaking to. If you listen to people talk they hardly ever use anyone's name when they address them.
    Since the story was dialogue-driven it was not much fun to read.

    Thirdly, the characters are unbelieveable. I can't picture Jack in my mind because he seems to be a different person depending on whether he is with his parents, his lover (?) or his friends. And every other character is a bit of a cartoon stereotype.

    I think this needs trimming down drastically (by at least 50%) if it is to become reader-friendly. Decide on the main elements of the plot - the romance and the drugs bust - and develop a short story around that. Keep all the extra characters to a minimum - and if we have to meet her father try to portray him as a real person not a cut-out.

    Oh, and, we do not need to know they got married and lived happily ever after. It's a short story not a saga.

    Keep writing because you have definitely got the bug. But be a bit more selective in what you put into your stories. Reading a lot will help you decide what works and what doesn't.

    Good luck



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