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Thread: Frank

  1. #1
    Registered User bortleman's Avatar
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    Frank

    Frank opens the door into his empty apparment. He stands in the doorway momentarily and steps in. It is dimily lit by the overcast afternoon light. Setting his briefcase at the door, he moves to the window overlooking the street below. It is full of people and cars. On the sidewalk a man is pushing his food cart. Frank leaves the window and walks over to a partially filled wine cabinet. Out of it, he removes his favourite wine and two glasses. Before placing the two cups down, he smooths out the dining table cloth. An envolope sits on the place opposite him.

    *

    Frank un-corks the bottle and fills the glasses with deep burgondy sirrah. He reaches into his pocket and removes a creased photograph. It holds an image of a blonde woman smiling in a wedding gown. On the back is written: "You don't know how lovely you are". He props the picture against her wine glass. Picking up his drink, he swirls the liquid around in the clear container. He takes several drinks, pausing briefly between each one.

    *

    Frank picks up the white lace envolope and sets the wine glass down. His fingers shake as he opens it.There is a small piece of paper inside that reads: "No matter what, I will always love you". He takes a larger drink from his cup and finds a more perfect picture of his wife accompanying the letter. It is an exact copy of his, un-damaged and not yet faded.

    Frank pulls the Derringer out of his pocket and looks down at it. It is small resting in the palm of his hand. He looks over at the empty chair and then back down at the gun. He sets the gun down and pulls a pen from his sleeve. He turns the new picture over and writes: "I am sorry".

    *

    No one but Frank hears the small caliber pistol fire.
    DraftsSent
    Last edited by bortleman; 02-05-2011 at 07:18 PM.
    You think they're selling you. Truth is, they're selling you out.

  2. #2
    an organized mess
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    Oh dear, this story ended before it was told!

    The beginning had me intrigued, I liked the image of this man having a drink with a photograph. The mystery of the letter stirred my imagination.

    Please, don't kill this man off before we hear his story!

  3. #3
    Registered User
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    bortleman, good to have you posting again. This piece shows an admirable restraint. It actually seems like a drill or practice. Something like this seems ripe for the insertion of sparse and meticulously crafted figurative language/imagery. As it stands it's a fine exercise in exposition but it could use very subtle flavoring to create hints of emotion or however you want the reader to feel.






    J

  4. #4
    Registered User
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    You set the scene quite meticulously - as if building up the screenplay for a movie - and then he takes out a gun and shoots himself. Without a little more exploration of the circumstances surrounding his suicide it's impossible to care about Frank.

    H

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