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Thread: A quick work.

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    North Carolina.

    A quick work.

    I haven't been having very many ideas lately, so this story is probably not very good, but lately strange noises in my house have been bothering me, so I wrote this in an attempt to get it off my mind.


    I slowly opened my eyes, the glowing red numbers on my alarm clock red 11:34 AM. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. A beam of light was crawling through a crack in the window. I slowly blinked my vision still blurry from the nights sleep. As I sat there, trying to wake up, my thoughts drifted to last night. And to my surprise, I couldn’t remember how or when I went to sleep. I could remember fumbling around the darkness of my house, searching for something. I eventually gave up trying to remember, as it seemed useless. I dropped the blanket on the floor, and slowly walked towards my door.

    As I stood in our kitchen, I looked around; trying to find something to eat. But to my dismay there seemed to be no food in the cabinets or fridge. I figured I would just have to ask my mother to get groceries today. I called out for her, and in return I heard a high pitched and drawn out “Yeeeeeesss” come from the third floor. I stepped into the living room, in front of the stairs to the third floor. “Mom, are you up there?” I called. In response I got another “Yeeeeesss” from behind the door, at the top of the stairway.

    As I was about to climb the stairs, I noticed a piece of yellow paper stuck to the table near me. It read in my moms handwriting: “Jake, me and dad went out to get food, will be back soon.” This went through my head for a couple seconds. I looked up at the door, which was now cracked open. A pale face was looking back at me, grinning.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Vietnam, Singapore, Japan, The Middle East, UK, The Philippines & Papua New Guinea.
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    I enjoyed it. The story kept double guessing me. Is this bit a dream? / Is that bit reality? Punch at the end with the pale face grinning. There is always something sinister and disturbing about a smile you know is not genuine. Trust now that you are getting plenty of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzssssssssssssssssssss!

  3. #3
    The Sultan MatthewFarlow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    New York, Washington DC, Taipei, Budapest
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    I thought the twist was going to be that a door was creaking upstairs making a Yeeeee sound. It was not and I was surprised. Therefore your story worked. Dont end all your stories with this sort of unexplained twist, or people will get fed up, so to speak. But this one was certainly enjoyable.

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    This is heading somewhere - unfortunately you don't take us there with you (assuming you know what happens next).

    It's a good opening for a story..... though I wouldn't waste time sidetracking the reader with quite so many pointless observations. Does it matter that you can't remember how or when you got off to sleep? Not according to the story. And there's no food in the kitchen. Again, so what?

    Needs tightening up - but also it is a good springboard to what could turn out to be a really enthralling tale.


  5. #5
    "In the mad world, only the mad are really sane."
    "With her for, her amphetamine and her pearls."

    My first attempt at something creative... A short story in 15 pictures titled "A tale of Desire, temporary like Achilles" <>

    (It is a facebook album)Please leave comments, I need to know what you think of it.

  6. #6
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    North Carolina.
    I think that I'l go somewhere with this, as I have been having nightmares lately; due to being ill.

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