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Thread: The Elephant

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    A Presence

    Foul snuffling breath
    turns my face away
    so that I overlook
    flapping, torn grey ears.
    They fan the gentle breeze
    of truth from deep within
    and urge me to listen to my soul.
    I sip tea instead and babble
    with a crowd who know nothing of
    wise, beady eyes
    embedded in wrinkled pouches
    of primordial skin.
    As if our minds are
    chained at the foot,
    we huddle in herds
    to block out painful reminders.
    Still, we are prodded and jabbed
    with ivory chipped tusks.
    We lurch, scowl, bump about,
    but nobody professes knowledge
    of trunks which trip them.
    We remain selectively blind
    to the gigantic stomach
    that digests all the good
    and all the bad in our lives.
    I speak like others,
    in stumbling denial,
    refusing to acknowledge
    what is in the room.
    Last edited by Delta40; 12-16-2010 at 07:34 PM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
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    Thoroughly enjoyed this, Delta. There is some great description; I particulalry liked:

    "wise, beady eyes
    embedded in wrinkled pouches
    of primordial skin."

    but the poem grows as you read it, with a wealth fo finely crafted imagery to enthrall the mind's eye.

    The only thing I would point out is that I saw the punchline comming. This is not necessarily a fault though. But I feel the title telegraphs the payoff halfway through, though this did not diminish my pleasure in reading it.

    Best. H

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks Hawk. I pained over the title, knowing it would be a giveaway. perhaps in its absence the end line would not seem so punchy?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
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    No, Delta, I think the poem itself concludes pretty well. Although 'The elephant in the room' is becoming a cliche, I feel that your take on it is original and inventive enough to stand on it's own merit. But the title detracts from this. It's too blatant. Let the readers find it for themselves.

    Best, H

  5. #5
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    The elephant in the room, may I take it, is we ourselves?

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin View Post
    The elephant in the room, may I take it, is we ourselves?
    Damn! I can't change the title!

    I don't know that I was thinking that deeply Prince! but its certainly something to munch over. When I think of it like that, it really takes on a new meaning but you do me more justice than I deserve in this case!

    The term 'elephant in the room' and the symbolic meanings of Ganesha got me thinking.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  7. #7
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    You managed to change the title ! Deltaesque extended metaphor and to be honest I would not have seen the ending even with the original title and the elephant in the room is a great truism that you have turned into a great poem.

    I havent checked this but I am sure drinking tea is a recurring theme in your poetry you anglophile. Love Australia, there are people there who aren't even related to criminals
    post note. love you really.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  8. #8
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    The scourge of Pomhood evolved into Aussie Ockers
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  9. #9
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Bloody colonials and their loss of the english language

    For those who believe,
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    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  10. #10
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    Delta, this is a fine poem and I was captivated by the detail in it leading me through.

    Title are always agonizing for me as well and I am often changing them several times. I try to make them ambiguous if I can't get away from some content revelation in my titles.

    I think if you want to change the title, you can click the Go Advanced button once you're in edit mode.

    Very perceptive of the status quo.

  11. #11
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thank you Firefangled.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  12. #12
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    I will bypass your lack of acknowledgement to say that elephants milk is no good for you and your coco pops may taste of nelly the elephant, as I for one, stood loud and proud against the use of elephants milk on my bran flakes and frankly I think anybody who uses nellycream, as I choose to refer to it is a ****wit. .
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 12-18-2010 at 07:48 AM.

    For those who believe,
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    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  13. #13
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thank you for your comments on my poem Jerry. You have milked my imagination dry...
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  14. #14
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Well-thought out and executed, Delta. You may be interested in this one, on a similar subject:

    http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/poe...315po_poem_ras

  15. #15
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    Well-thought out and executed, Delta. You may be interested in this one, on a similar subject:

    http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/poe...315po_poem_ras
    Thanks Aunty. The poem was great too! I like the idea of washing some vast mysteriousness...
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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