Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: Strong Soldier...

  1. #1

    Strong Soldier...

    I知 here by myself,
    lost and alone,
    not sure about my health,
    while your waiting for me at home.

    While miles away,
    wondering about you,
    I知 screaming mayday!,
    hoping I値l be one of the lucky few.

    To make it back,
    to our home; safe,
    my world is turning black,
    for I was hit by the strafe.

    A couple days later,
    when I was found,
    fighting for my life in that crater,
    my head left on that battleground.

    Now experiencing PTSD,
    no one ever comes to visit,
    they say 登h just let him be,
    that痴 not even apposite.


    This is the newest poem I've written. Please critique it, so I can make myself better.
    http://poemsbydylan.blogspot.com/

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    I won't comment on the subject matter - that's not my place.

    As for the poem itself - it would work better if the narrator distanced himself slightly further from the reader.

    while your waiting for me at home......

    While miles away,
    wondering about you.....

    To make it back,
    to our home; safe,


    make this such a personal piece (written presumably for a loved one) that any uninvolved reader feels they are intruding on a private conversation and are left rather uncomfortable.

    I loved the line about 'screaming mayday' - a cry for help on so many more levels than just a radio transmission

    I wasn't so fond of for I was hit by the strafe. - you would do better to let the readers use their imagination rather than provide such specific information. I'm guessing the need for rhyme led you to include it.

    And the line my head left on that battleground. had me thinking decapitation! Perhaps a slight rewrite would be in order.

    Finally - the last verse although poignant is too revealing. Spelling out your condition is less likely to ellicit understanding and sympathy than were you to put into words exactly what PTSD feels like. That's where writing poetry comes into its own - allowing the reader some insight into the writer's thoughts and feelings. There's not enough emotion in that last verse for me to fully engage with you. It's as if you're asking for pity - when obviously what you really need is just some understanding.

    Again the curse of rhyme means it also ends on rather a flat note.

    that痴 not even apposite.

    Are those the exact words that spin through your mind when people treat you as if you are either unapproachable or hostile? I doubt it somehow.

    My humble advice - ditch the rhyme. Poetry doesn't need it when it gets in the way of what you are trying to express.

    Poetry as therapy - it's the best way to unbottle many of those demons, believe me.

    Pick up your pen and get scribbling.....

    H

Similar Threads

  1. A soldier in love
    By witty kitten in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 02-06-2010, 10:00 AM
  2. Star Soldier
    By rocketcats in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 12-16-2009, 05:23 PM
  3. Amylian and Selia..
    By spacetoon in forum General Writing
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 01-13-2008, 09:39 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •