The Failed Mate

[Hawkman]

“Oh, Berty, old man where on earth have you been?
In your usual haunts you are no longer seen,
And what’s with the get up, those scabs, have you fleas?”
“Oh didn’t you know that I’d failed?” said he.

“The last time I saw you, you looked like a king,
With suits from Armani and dripping with bling
but now that I see you in rags it’s quite ghastly.”
“Well that’s how we dress when we’ve failed,” said he.

“Your speech was so lovely when last you were seen
But now it is coarse and quite frankly obscene
When so many swear words escape through your teeth.”
“Well, some polish is lost when you fail,” said he.

“Your hands are so dirty, your face is so bleak
I’m really repelled by your stubbly cheek.
Do you work in a sewer to wind up so smelly?”
“It’s hard to find work when you’ve failed,” said he.

“You used to be languid, said life was a dream,
When soaking up champers, with laughter you’d scream
But now you are sullen and brooding and mean.”
“it’s true, one gets grumpy when failing,” said he.

“I’m glad I have money and such a nice house
a wife who’s an heiress, so perfect a spouse.”
“Just give me your wallet - I’m armed as you see,
One gets pretty ruthless when failed,” said he.

[hillwalker]

This took an unexpected turn. I was anticipating a 'good samaritan' finale perhaps, or just a sad observation along the lines of 'walking a mile in someone else's shoes'.

There's a sense of defeatism in the final line of each stanza, and one also prepares for the message to become more and more poignant as each verse unfolds. It could be a blues song from the 30's or a folk song-cum-rap song given the right treatment. Not your usual territory but a wonderful read.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

By the third iteration of his failure I was beginning to think there was some bravura to it, some gloating, as if it was what he'd been aiming at all along. The references to "Armani, bling & champers" kind of prepared one for his immorality at the end.

I found the quotation marks

a wife who’s an heiress, so perfect a spouse.”
“Just give me your money - I’m armed as you see,

after "spouse" and before the next line to be misleading, as they appeared to designate a change of speaker.

Of course your command of meter and rhyme are as sparkling as ever.

[Hawkman]

Hill & Prince, thank you both for reading and commenting. I think perhaps I should have referenced the, 'The Ruined Maid' By Thomas Hardy, as this is an updated parody with my own garnish of black humour.

You are right that there is an element of bravura in the repetition, Prince, which is also very much more apparent in the original as the eponymous ruined maid returns home to lord it over her contemporaries but I wanted to reverse the circumstance and sensibilities. You should not have been confused though, as there is a change in speakers at this point.

I'm most gratified that you both enjoyed it. The Ruined Maid may be found at:

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-ruined-maid

Live long and prosper, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

You should not have been confused though, as there is a change in speakers at this point.

In which case, I'm stumped, as this seems to me imply an unidentified 3rd persona other than the "failed mate" and his wife.

[Jerrybaldy]

I loved the bleakness and reality of its end Hawk. Unexpected and rewarding as it cut to the chase. Success as measured in currency, forever ugly.
cheers
Jerry

[Hawkman]

Hi Prince, I don't know why you would think there is a third person, there are only two. Berty, the failure and his erstwhile chum, who is tactless enough to flaunt his good fortune to his failed mate's face. I have made a small edit as I disliked the repetition of money in the last stanza.

Thanks JB. Certainly, not having it is an undesirable state of affairs

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi Prince, I don't know why you would think there is a third person, there are only two. Berty, the failure and his erstwhile chum, who is tactless enough to flaunt his good fortune to his failed mate's face.

The truth of this is so blatant once it's pointed out! My error was in reading My flaw was in reading the first two lines of each verse as being in the voice of the wife he was belatedly returning to.

Thanks for clarifying. (In lieu of a dunce-cap)

[Sapphire]

I thoroughly enjoyed this - especially with the Hardy reference

Thank you for sharing,
Sapphire

[Delta40]

When you're down everyone wants to *^%$ you!

good poem Hawk. I think it is coarse rather than course.

[Hawkman]

Sapphire, Thanks very much, glad you enjoyed both the poem and the reference

Delta, thanks for that. You are quite right and I have corrected it. Cheers! - H

[AuntShecky]

Well, I've heard of Thomas Hardy and I knew he wrote poems as well as somber, somewhat melodramatic, novels, but who knew he had a sense of humor, which is what we have in "The Ruined Maid."

Since I was unfamiliar with that piece, up to today, I wouldn't have gotten the allusion. But now I see that you've created a splendid parody, reversing the situation from abundant down to impoverished circumstances.

In a way your piece reminds me of something Noel Coward might have written after October 29, 1929, if he ever recognized that not everybody on the planet is wealthy. I can see how hillwalker in his reply above said that your piece reminded him of a song from the Thirties or even contemporary rap. I think the form of both Hardy's piece and yours is closer to that of a ballad, like "Frankie and Johnnie," correct? (But as it says on the great fount of knowledge --wikipedia -- the term "ballad" now refers to a slow love song, but I think that narrowed meaning came much later than the 19th century.)

As usual, this piece shows your unique talent of mixing old references with the new --"Armani," "bling," etc. I thoroughly enjoyed this, Hawk.

[Hawkman]

Hi Auntie,

Yes, I was put off Hardy's novels at an early age. I was given "Under the Greenwood Tree" to read when I was about 9, much too young for it, and its dreary tone and impenetrable dialect passages coloured my perception of his work for years. I first heard "The Ruined Maid" on "Poetry Please" a BBC Radio 4 programme about 30 years ago. I think it is my favourite piece of Hardy.

A contemporary Coward! Now there's an accolade I can see why you and Hill can see a parallel with the Thirties Depression. There is a hint of, "Buddy can you spare a dime" but perhaps there's more demand than entreaty in my little poem. It's more in keeping with contemporary sensibilities, as you have both noted. As for Frankie and Johnnie, I never intended to imply that the failed Berty and his erstwhile chum were lovers

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

As for Frankie and Johnnie, I never intended to imply that the failed Berty and his erstwhile chum were lovers
- H

I meant the ballad form, of course, "not" -- to quote Seinfeld--"that there's anything wrong with that!"

[Haunted]

Hardy is one of my favorite authors but I haven't read this one. Even if I did I would have forgotten it soon enough, blame it on short term memory. So I have to look at this without the reference and it does stand on its own. I guess he could have just asked for the money, and his friend who's living high on the hog didn't have to brag, but what's the fun in it without some firearms