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Thread: Part One

  1. #1
    Registered User sparr0w's Avatar
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    Part One

    (As Of Yet Untitled Project Part One)

    There were hours spent waiting
    long dreadful hours in the dark
    waiting with nervous ticks
    as the clock marked the long dreadful hours
    spent waiting in the dark
    for the survivors;
    but the others never understood.
    I suppose it would have probably meant less
    if the others understood,
    or if he ever managed to survive all that static.
    They all had to be the living dead
    for this all to have any significance at all,
    but I'm probably the only one who feels that way-
    and that would be understandable.

    Grey melencholly childhood flashbacks.
    Both mine and his.
    All the things that did and diddn't happen
    (I get them all so confused anymore).
    Either there were cartoons and it was a hundred degrees outside,
    or there were scat films and it was below zero.
    Like I said I cant remember which one it was
    but either way it just was
    because even back then
    the living dead diddn't understand a thing.

    In my mind I can make the most wonderful things happen.
    A sudden beautiful kind of chaos.
    A breathing heap of happening.
    Tender moments interrupted by awkward confusion.
    Imbalance.
    Unawareness.
    And absolute unconditional resolve.
    Mars, the center of the earth, heaven, utopia.
    Earthworms matches plastic leaves hoses fireflies sparklers broomsticks.
    A wooden house, and can of gasoline, and a blowtorch.
    In my mind he was there, even though he diddnt know it yet.

    (It would have made you uncomfortable, too).
    ...Ride life into perfect laughter. It's the only good fight left. -Charles Bukowski

  2. #2
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    This gets better from the second verse onwards and makes quite an impact. Unsettling and tense writing with an element of dread hanging over the entire piece.

    I'm not sure whether or not that final line in parentheses is part of the poem - if it is I suggest you remove it as it dilutes the power of the poem (telling the reader how he would feel should be left to the language and imagery of the poem itself).

    But the first verse is messy and needs tightening up - there is far too much repetition ('dreadful' - 'hours' -'spent' - 'waiting'). It is possibly intentional to crank up the tension, but it comes acros as quite monotonous.
    And the conversational asides to the reader take away any sense of atmosphere created by what goes before.
    I also found it confusing trying to figure out whether or not the 'he' and the 'I' were the same person (judging by the context they probably are, so why change from third-person singular to first-person singular?).

    Otherwise, a laudable effort.

    H

  3. #3
    Registered User sparr0w's Avatar
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    Thank you very much for your feedback! I was worried I wasn't going to get any constructive criticism, which was always why I posted here so frequently in the past. Now, as for the first refrain, I did mean to be repetitive so as to "crank up the tension". It's something I use often in my writing. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Looking back, you're probably absolutely right about it not working out so well this time. As for the "he" and "I", it is referring to different people. This will make much more sense by the time we get to Part 2. The whole thing is meant to start out somewhat confusing and get progressively more clear until finally reaching Part 4. Kind of like staring at a "Magic Eye" poster. It's the same thing with the closing line, it kind of leads in to Part 2. I'm thinking now, though, due to your feedback, that it probably would have made more sense to post a short explaination as a header to this, and possibly even waited and posted all four parts at once. I guess I was just excited to have finally finished touching this up! I get that way sometimes. Premature publication. Oh whell, live and learn, eh? Thanks for the feedback!
    ...Ride life into perfect laughter. It's the only good fight left. -Charles Bukowski

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I look forward to the next part then. I was a little unclear although the mood is apparent
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  5. #5
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    Thanks for your illuminating response. Personally I'm not a fan of poems that are preceded by an explanatory preamble. All the reader needs to know should be there in the words of the poem.

    As for posting all 4 parts at once - again it's easier to absorb shorter pieces in my experience. Most of us on here have a very short attention sp.....

    H

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