please please give me some feedback its my first poem

[mosipovi]

the way you took my heart
Shelby, ill never forget
You said, "i still love you"
i read it with regret
You ****ed things up
said youd never lie
Now were apart
so long, goodbye

[Delta40]

I think when we're talking from the heart, rhyming has got to go. The reason for this is because it limits what it is that you want to say. Don't make rhyming words together the key focus here.

There is definite pain between these few lines and you have been economic but effective also. Keep posting!

ill should be I'll
were should we're

[hillwalker]

I agree that the rhyme gets in the way - it's more like a Valentyne card than a poem, and I'm surprised anyone would want feedback on what looks like a private message to a lost love.

H

[mosipovi]

thanks im taking my first poetry class so working on it !

[hillwalker]

If that is so my suggestion would be to keep an open mind. Don't go in there thinking all poetry has to rhyme and sound like it was written by Wordsworth.

If you figure out how to express what you want to say clearly and originally enough to make others understand it you won't go far wrong.

Good luck

H

[Haunted]

There's anger and bitterness and heartache in these few words, the poem is well expressed. But do you really need all of this :"Now were apart / so long, goodbye"? Haven't you said goodbye already when you went your separate ways? I would leave out "Now we're apart".

And I urge you to use complete words. It's a turnoff to see words like "youd". Don't say ill...unless you are sick.

the way you took my heart
Shelby, I'll never forget
You said, "I still love you"
I read it with regret
You ****ed things up
said you'd never lie
goodbye

[Scheherazade]

said you'd never lie
Now we're apart
so long, goodbye

I quite like this ending rhyme actually!



I'm even thinking if it had only consisted of these lines, it would have been a nice little poem.

[billl]

I liked this one, and I think the rhymes work OK. It works for me because I imagine that the broken romance here probably won't be a big deal in the larger scheme of things. Just give the person a clever little rat-tat-tat and seeya! The double send-off sort of makes it seem like the poet might soon forget the whole thing after all.

[drago]

I really like the vulnerability in this. I think vulnerability is what makes many writers great. I agree against the rhyming though. Poetry like this is best said without restraints. I think one of the biggest qualities of all evocative poems is the undeniable self of the poet shown throughout. Don't hold back.

Sarah

[Jake10]

This is very touching. You're able to convey your pain in such a short direct way that I look forward to reading more from you.

[mosipovi]

wow thanks guys you're all amazzzzzzzzzing

[Bastard Child]

thanks im taking my first poetry class

Well then, there's your problem right there! You see, the initiative to TAKE a poetry class, the desire to seek poetry OUT, to attempt to tame it, to assuage its tempestuous nature and make it as your own - that is all good and commendable and to be encouraged; but to seek to replicate (or - god forbid! - duplicate) what these rat-bastards would teach you? Think nothing of the sort! Poetry can't rightly be taught, save perhaps through experience and sympathetic examples.
Read and read poetry, of every kind, then read some more, and again some, until you start THINKING poetry, almost speaking poetically... breathe it in, make it your own, pick and choose which lines inspire you - whether or not you understand them - and let their fragrance fill you...
Being a poet is just so very much like being a man after all and, really, is nothing beside: you may see others walk about on two legs, but their holding you by the shoulders will in no way help you stand for yourself, and any tip anyone can possibly offer as how best to keep upright afterward will change from one person to the next, and may never prove useful to you...
Every man must invariably learn - and takes pride in learning - how best to be a man, just as any poet learns how best to express himself only when he and he alone has mastered the potential and limitations of his own tongue, and learned to grow within these limitations up to this potential...

[Skia]

I really quite liked the last couple of lines... Made my top lip quiver...

[Jerrybaldy]

I would go with bastardchild above, for that read as a truth to me.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Bump.