Results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: please please give me some feedback its my first poem

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    3

    please please give me some feedback its my first poem

    the way you took my heart
    Shelby, ill never forget
    You said, "i still love you"
    i read it with regret
    You ****ed things up
    said youd never lie
    Now were apart
    so long, goodbye

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Fremantle Western Australia
    Posts
    9,886
    Blog Entries
    62
    I think when we're talking from the heart, rhyming has got to go. The reason for this is because it limits what it is that you want to say. Don't make rhyming words together the key focus here.

    There is definite pain between these few lines and you have been economic but effective also. Keep posting!

    ill should be I'll
    were should we're
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    I agree that the rhyme gets in the way - it's more like a Valentyne card than a poem, and I'm surprised anyone would want feedback on what looks like a private message to a lost love.

    H

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    3
    thanks im taking my first poetry class so working on it !

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    If that is so my suggestion would be to keep an open mind. Don't go in there thinking all poetry has to rhyme and sound like it was written by Wordsworth.

    If you figure out how to express what you want to say clearly and originally enough to make others understand it you won't go far wrong.

    Good luck

    H

  6. #6
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    10,145
    Blog Entries
    4
    There's anger and bitterness and heartache in these few words, the poem is well expressed. But do you really need all of this :"Now were apart / so long, goodbye"? Haven't you said goodbye already when you went your separate ways? I would leave out "Now we're apart".

    And I urge you to use complete words. It's a turnoff to see words like "youd". Don't say ill...unless you are sick.

    the way you took my heart
    Shelby, I'll never forget
    You said, "I still love you"
    I read it with regret
    You ****ed things up
    said you'd never lie
    goodbye

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  7. #7
    Pièce de Résistance Scheherazade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Tweet @ScherLitNet
    Posts
    23,903
    Quote Originally Posted by mosipovi View Post
    said you'd never lie
    Now we're apart
    so long, goodbye
    I quite like this ending rhyme actually!



    I'm even thinking if it had only consisted of these lines, it would have been a nice little poem.
    ~
    "It is not that I am mad; it is only that my head is different from yours.”
    ~


  8. #8
    Registered User billl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    2,012
    I liked this one, and I think the rhymes work OK. It works for me because I imagine that the broken romance here probably won't be a big deal in the larger scheme of things. Just give the person a clever little rat-tat-tat and seeya! The double send-off sort of makes it seem like the poet might soon forget the whole thing after all.

  9. #9
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    192
    I really like the vulnerability in this. I think vulnerability is what makes many writers great. I agree against the rhyming though. Poetry like this is best said without restraints. I think one of the biggest qualities of all evocative poems is the undeniable self of the poet shown throughout. Don't hold back.

    Sarah

  10. #10
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    16
    This is very touching. You're able to convey your pain in such a short direct way that I look forward to reading more from you.

  11. #11
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    3
    wow thanks guys you're all amazzzzzzzzzing

  12. #12
    Star****er Bastard Child's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Ottawa, Ontario
    Posts
    35
    Quote Originally Posted by mosipovi View Post
    thanks im taking my first poetry class
    Well then, there's your problem right there! You see, the initiative to TAKE a poetry class, the desire to seek poetry OUT, to attempt to tame it, to assuage its tempestuous nature and make it as your own - that is all good and commendable and to be encouraged; but to seek to replicate (or - god forbid! - duplicate) what these rat-bastards would teach you? Think nothing of the sort! Poetry can't rightly be taught, save perhaps through experience and sympathetic examples.
    Read and read poetry, of every kind, then read some more, and again some, until you start THINKING poetry, almost speaking poetically... breathe it in, make it your own, pick and choose which lines inspire you - whether or not you understand them - and let their fragrance fill you...
    Being a poet is just so very much like being a man after all and, really, is nothing beside: you may see others walk about on two legs, but their holding you by the shoulders will in no way help you stand for yourself, and any tip anyone can possibly offer as how best to keep upright afterward will change from one person to the next, and may never prove useful to you...
    Every man must invariably learn - and takes pride in learning - how best to be a man, just as any poet learns how best to express himself only when he and he alone has mastered the potential and limitations of his own tongue, and learned to grow within these limitations up to this potential...
    Last edited by Bastard Child; 10-21-2010 at 05:29 PM.
    ...LaNgUaGe Is A vIrUs FrOm OuTeR sPaCe...

  13. #13
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    In da Hood. In Englaand.
    Posts
    538
    Blog Entries
    20
    I really quite liked the last couple of lines... Made my top lip quiver...

  14. #14
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    3,561
    Blog Entries
    1
    I would go with bastardchild above, for that read as a truth to me.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  15. #15
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    Bump.

Similar Threads

  1. Poetry Bookclub 4
    By quasimodo1 in forum Poems, Poets, and Poetry
    Replies: 132
    Last Post: 09-04-2013, 04:42 PM
  2. Please help me find a poem
    By hartista in forum Poems, Poets, and Poetry
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-07-2010, 08:02 PM
  3. Comparing and Contrasting the Poems by Shakespeare and Allan Poe
    By David_42 in forum Poems, Poets, and Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-11-2010, 10:45 AM
  4. What good is poem?
    By PrinceMyshkin in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 05-22-2008, 10:51 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •