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Thread: Shattered

  1. #1

    Shattered

    It was now exactly Midnight. I stared up at the sky, remembering. Silently, I reached my hand across to where he used to lay beside me. My trembling fingers didn’t find the resistance of his body though. Only damp flowers. A strange, strangled noise escaped my lips. He was gone. And that realisation hurt. And everything had been so perfect. But now it was over.
    Suddenly, there was a loud crack, and I jumped ten foot in the air. I ran to the source of the noise, quickly wiping away tears that I hadn’t even realised had been falling. I headed into the bathroom, where the sound of my sister’s cursing was coming from. I noticed it straight away. There was a huge crack in the mirror.
    “I don’t know how it happened!” my sister wailed as I stared, dumbstruck, at the broken mirror. “It just did! Help me fix it before mum and dad get back!”
    But as we watched, shards of the mirror dropped off ant onto the floor. It was shattered and couldn’t be fixed. Just like my heart.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    very small piece. The analogy of the broken mirror and your heart is rather cliched but I think this has the potential to be expanded upon. You could offer a whole lot more about the guy and feed the appetites of your readers
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
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    It's a great introduction to what I feel could stretch out to a really worthwhile story - whether you pursue the romantic trail or the supernatural.

    Just one observation
    - Silently, I reached my hand across to where he used to lay beside me -
    is one of those expressions that are continually miswritten for some reason.

    Unless he was a chicken that 'used to lay' eggs (or 'laid' eggs) , I'm assuming you meant 'where he used to lie beside me' - or 'where he lay beside me'. There is a huge difference.

    H

  4. #4
    Registered User Ely_Massacre's Avatar
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    I realize this is a short story, but this might be... too short. Even certain stories have more detail than this. I recommend elaborating some more, adding more detail, and maybe even looking over your own work with an absent state of mind. Think to yourself, "If I was a reader, and not the writer, what would I think?" It's a basis for a nice story, but still needs a little more flavor, so to speak, in order to capture future readers.
    Dreaming is the easiest part of growing up.
    Achieving those dreams is a little harder.
    But in the end, it's always worth it.

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