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Thread: pulverize

  1. #16
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Yes, the business about her Mom was a bit intrusive and irrelevant. The tragedy would have taken place whether she had a Mom to stat with or not, but that's a very minor point contrasted with the sadness of the poem and the dignity with which it's conveyed.

  2. #17
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    thanks Prince. I changed the part about her mom, and went back to an earlier version of the ending.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  3. #18
    Jai Keshava NikolaiI's Avatar
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    Hm. I liked it better the first time! I should have said something before you changed it.

    Prince you are my 2nd on my list of favorite poems on here, but in this case I disagree with you. Of course the poem is still good, but it better originally. So often the first draft is best.
    Last edited by NikolaiI; 09-13-2010 at 09:46 PM.

  4. #19
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    oooohhhhh I'm losing my touch...

    let's see what Jerry has to say when he returns from rehab.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  5. #20
    Jai Keshava NikolaiI's Avatar
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    do you still have the original version?

    what rehab is he in?

  6. #21
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    yes I kept a copy of the first one.

    the same one Sponge Bob went to.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  7. #22
    Jai Keshava NikolaiI's Avatar
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    haha, really glad you do. I recommend you change it back to its original -- and I am really sorry I didn't say this sooner, the first one was perfect as it is -- and then put the updated version just in a later post...

  8. #23
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    good idea. The original version is restored in the first post. Here's the revised version. (you guys are so hard to please )


    pulverize


    she's going to stay with mom
    every daughter does
    when they leave
    their husbands
    but that won’t work for her
    her mom died long before

    he is ALL
    she’s got


    she checked into Hudson
    an off Broadway boutique hotel
    where its cocktail lounge floats
    psychedelically on a lit glass floor

    between ironed bedsheets
    she felt around for him
    she starts to panick

    she can’t breathe
    without him


    so it became clear
    crystal clear...

    tomorrow
    she will check out at noon
    or when the meds wear off
    whichever comes first

    tomorrow
    she will take the E train
    go ten stops downtown

    tomorrow
    when he gets off work
    she will be there
    in the lobby
    where they first met
    going up ninety-eight floors

    tomorrow
    she will walk into him
    melt into him

    tomorrow
    she would know
    there will be
    no tomorrow

    and she will have
    no body


    but she didn’t know that
    when she fell asleep
    just before midnight
    on September tenth
    two thousand one




    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  9. #24
    Jai Keshava NikolaiI's Avatar
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    Oh... wonderful, now we've still got the first one.

    Basically, the first part seems a lot more powerful in your original version. And I like the rest of it better, I wouldn't change anything. I think on this one your first instincts were perfect. Thanks for putting the original version back up!!

    ah, don't know how to say it... but just that the first one sounds perfect, it's your voice, and especially the first two stanzas are perfect, deep feeling and powerful - and the other one is crippled, and doesn't sound half as good, it doesn't have the purity and force of the first one, which is your voice completely and is perfect for that reason.
    Last edited by NikolaiI; 09-13-2010 at 10:25 PM.

  10. #25
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    yeah, I did feel the second one lost some of its edge too although it gained some subtlety. I guess there's always a trade off...Thanks for weighing in Nik.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  11. #26
    Our wee Olympic swimmer Janine's Avatar
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    Beautiful poem, Haunted...I think this is one of your finest. I like the idea and how you expressed it. Your poems are always so effective. Keep writing!
    "It's so mysterious, the land of tears."

    Chapter 7, The Little Prince ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

  12. #27
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    "Bar, I know I know! It was a subtle but punchy ending originally, but then I wasn't sure if that's clear enough without talking about the desvastation. Let me look at it again. Thanks for pointing that out!!"

    Is it the one you posted as second here, the original you mentioned to me? Then yes, much better, though I'd still suggest to lose the last S (wordy) and to trust that the reader understand with just an allusion. Also, I'd separate the two parts, N telling about her decisions re tomorrow, and the knowledge N reveals to the reader re tomorrow.

    Just a try, if you allow:

    tomorrow
    she will walk into him
    melt into him

    ........

    tomorrow
    she would know
    there will be
    no tomorrow

    and she will have
    no body

    but now she fell asleep
    comforted,
    into nine/eleven.


    this or some other clue (there is one already in "98 floors up")

    Finally, I'm also hesitant about S1. You could start the poem with S starting:
    "She checked into..."
    and place
    "he's all
    she's got"

    right after "...without him" (I wouldn't capitalize "all").

    I hope this is helpful, and as usual - please feel free to toss, yours is the last voice, it's your poem!
    Enjoyed.
    Best.

  13. #28
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    Actually Haunted, on the whole I think this is a pretty good poem, although I would drop the itallicised lines as they read like sub headings and disrupt the flow of the piece.

    Best H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 09-14-2010 at 05:32 AM.

  14. #29
    dafydd dafydd manton's Avatar
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    Haunted, I liked the revision but I still prefer the original, it is more raw and "of the moment". And I also think it is one of your very best, which given the quality overall, speaks volumes. Thanks.
    Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!! www.dafydd-manton.co.uk

    My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!

  15. #30
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    Bar, your ideas are solid but in this particular case it actually needs to reference 9/11. Not everyone knows what floors the plane hit. And despite subway/compass directions, no one really can pinpoint it as NYC, but even then they may not make the connection to the Twin Towers. Even my friend who lives across the stateline didn't get it the first time until I told her to re-read the last stanza. Some transparency is necessary, or else it gets lost as some tragic event that involves a building but didn't convey the horror that not only was he killed, he was pulverized. And that she was left with no body in every sense of the word.




    Hawk, thanks so much for your kind comment and feedback. The itals tell a story within story, it's also the heart of the poem and in a way it's independent of the events of 9/11. it's a standalone.

    he is ALL
    she’s got

    =

    she can’t breathe
    without him

    =

    she will have
    no body





    ah, now I remember why it says mom died when she was sixteen, it's not just something shoved in there to evoke sympathy. For sympathy I would add the word "just" — mom died when she was just sixteen, but that wasn't what I wanted to say and I made it as a matter of fact. What its saying is, until he came along years later, her life is a void left by her mother when she died. Thats how central he is in her life.
    Last edited by Haunted; 09-15-2010 at 01:19 PM.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

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