His floorboards
scratched
filled with grime
from a lifetime
yet a pervasive
odour of eucalypt
fresh and breezy
emanated from them
He was the same really
as he hung about
in the creaking hall
groomed and scented
lilac patterned tie
knotted tight round his neck
a final smile eternally fixed
as he revealed his
bleak life story
through broken
discoloured teeth
rotting gums
bleeding from a
last futile brush
he could only ever
smell nice for a while
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Ouch! That one is painful - everybody knows one (I'm teaching one to drive in the morning, and he's only 17, but with green teeth). Brilliant observation, Delta.
Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!!www.dafydd-manton.co.uk
My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!
What a ghastly apparition you conjour for our delectation! Very well written Delta.
thank you both.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Sounds like somebody old and tired of life, smelling of the end. I felt sad for him (intended or not). Its funny how over time you get to see people's personal styles of writing. I can see yours in this (all for the good)Would be fun to see several people write a poem on a given subject anonymously and see if we can spot who wrote what by the style.
Jerry
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Definitely a dark piece, Delta - almost the scent of formaldehyde rather than eucalyptus.
and
what a brilliant idea - but how could it possible work? unless they are all PM'd to one unbiased 3rd party who then posts them on here in one thread once complete..... interesting, verr verr interesting.Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy
Great metaphysical conceit, Delta. I've heard it said that owners look like their dogs, but their homes...? Brilliant observation.
I'm not a fan of the lack of punctuation though. I find it a bit annoying having to stop and put in the full stops in my head so it reads well. Does it add anything to the poem without them?
But that's a minor issue in what is a very enjoyable poem.
Good poem!
Wisely crafted!
Try to live in harmony with people and nature
I like that... Interesting idea.... :P x
P.s, Fantastic, reminds me of a man on the bus the other week... :/
When you're close to tears remember,
someday, it'll all be over...
"Words to cut your emotions with.
Words to make you feel worthless with" - Zoolane
You do excellent, layered portraits of people.
(And, on the contrary, I like the lack of punctuation . . . it allows for waves of surprise that make certain lines hit harder.)
I shoud focus on punctuation a little more
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Perhaps it's time to challenge us all to write poems with nothing but punctuation?
And this is a fine, gruesome bit of portraiture.
,,.,...;;'.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
For a whole two hours, with the guy I was teaching to drive, I thought about this poem, and nearly wet myself laughing. For some reason I can't fathom, I kept speaking to him in a Mock Oz accent! And the air conditioning lays a nice barrier between them and me!
Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!!
My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!
I love the poem and its TITLE. An abstract idea in such an empiric wrap! kudos.
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