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Thread: Facade

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Facade

    His floorboards
    scratched
    filled with grime
    from a lifetime
    yet a pervasive
    odour of eucalypt
    fresh and breezy
    emanated from them
    He was the same really
    as he hung about
    in the creaking hall
    groomed and scented
    lilac patterned tie
    knotted tight round his neck
    a final smile eternally fixed
    as he revealed his
    bleak life story
    through broken
    discoloured teeth
    rotting gums
    bleeding from a
    last futile brush
    he could only ever
    smell nice for a while
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
    dafydd dafydd manton's Avatar
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    Ouch! That one is painful - everybody knows one (I'm teaching one to drive in the morning, and he's only 17, but with green teeth). Brilliant observation, Delta.
    Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!! www.dafydd-manton.co.uk

    My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!

  3. #3
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    What a ghastly apparition you conjour for our delectation! Very well written Delta.

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    thank you both.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  5. #5
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Sounds like somebody old and tired of life, smelling of the end. I felt sad for him (intended or not). Its funny how over time you get to see people's personal styles of writing. I can see yours in this (all for the good)Would be fun to see several people write a poem on a given subject anonymously and see if we can spot who wrote what by the style.
    Jerry

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  6. #6
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    Definitely a dark piece, Delta - almost the scent of formaldehyde rather than eucalyptus.

    and

    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    Would be fun to see several people write a poem on a given subject anonymously and see if we can spot who wrote what by the style
    what a brilliant idea - but how could it possible work? unless they are all PM'd to one unbiased 3rd party who then posts them on here in one thread once complete..... interesting, verr verr interesting.

  7. #7
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    Great metaphysical conceit, Delta. I've heard it said that owners look like their dogs, but their homes...? Brilliant observation.

    I'm not a fan of the lack of punctuation though. I find it a bit annoying having to stop and put in the full stops in my head so it reads well. Does it add anything to the poem without them?

    But that's a minor issue in what is a very enjoyable poem.

  8. #8
    Registered User angliholic's Avatar
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    Good poem!
    Wisely crafted!

    Try to live in harmony with people and nature


  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    Would be fun to see several people write a poem on a given subject anonymously and see if we can spot who wrote what by the style.
    Jerry
    I like that... Interesting idea.... :P x

    P.s, Fantastic, reminds me of a man on the bus the other week... :/

  10. #10
    Registered User Lumiere's Avatar
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    You do excellent, layered portraits of people.

    (And, on the contrary, I like the lack of punctuation . . . it allows for waves of surprise that make certain lines hit harder.)

  11. #11
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blank|verse View Post
    Great metaphysical conceit, Delta. I've heard it said that owners look like their dogs, but their homes...? Brilliant observation.

    I'm not a fan of the lack of punctuation though. I find it a bit annoying having to stop and put in the full stops in my head so it reads well. Does it add anything to the poem without them?

    But that's a minor issue in what is a very enjoyable poem.
    I shoud focus on punctuation a little more
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  12. #12
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    I shoud focus on punctuation a little more
    Perhaps it's time to challenge us all to write poems with nothing but punctuation?

    And this is a fine, gruesome bit of portraiture.

  13. #13
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin View Post
    Perhaps it's time to challenge us all to write poems with nothing but punctuation?.
    ,,.,...;;'.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  14. #14
    dafydd dafydd manton's Avatar
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    For a whole two hours, with the guy I was teaching to drive, I thought about this poem, and nearly wet myself laughing. For some reason I can't fathom, I kept speaking to him in a Mock Oz accent! And the air conditioning lays a nice barrier between them and me!
    Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!! www.dafydd-manton.co.uk

    My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!

  15. #15
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    FACADE

    His floorboards
    scratched
    filled with grime
    from a lifetime
    yet a pervasive
    odour of eucalypt
    fresh and breezy
    emanated from them
    He was the same really
    as he hung about
    in the creaking hall
    groomed and scented
    lilac patterned tie
    knotted tight round his neck
    a final smile eternally fixed
    as he revealed his
    bleak life story
    through broken
    discoloured teeth
    rotting gums
    bleeding from a
    last futile brush
    he could only ever
    smell nice for a while
    I love the poem and its TITLE. An abstract idea in such an empiric wrap! kudos.

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