Mask

[Zothar]

Though my heart aches,
Though my soul grieves,
Though my head hurts,
Though I cannot see,
I am living on,
I will follow through,
No one will know,
And that will do.
I’m wearing a mask,
It is working well;
No one will ask,
No one can tell.
Though you live through the pain,
It never really goes away.
Through sun and rain,
You live with it day to day.
Friends want to aid me
And keep me lifted high;
But things are not as they should be,
And to not admit that would be a lie.
And though I am not doubting
That I will see him again,
I will always be missing
The companionship of my friend.

[hillwalker]

I much prefer this to 'Stay Away' because it sounds more heart-felt and reads more naturally (because you have not lumbered yourself with a demanding rhyme-scheme right from the start).

This line

And to not admit that would be a lie.

trips the reader up slightly, the rhythm loses itself before getting back on track

(perhaps 'And to deny that would be a lie' makes a better fit?)

overall, an enjoyable piece.

H

[Zothar]

thanks. and thank you for the tip. i have always hated the way that line sounded but didn't know how to fix it.

[Song of Mercy]

I have some thoughts on this one, I really really hope you do not mind. Please let me know if I have overstepped.


I think if you broke it into stanzas it would strengthen the structure and also add some flexibility.

First stanza- though+abcb pattern

Though my heart aches,
Though my soul grieves,
Though my head hurts,
Though I cannot see,

Second stanza-I, I, no, and+defe pattern

I am living on,
I will follow through,
No one will know,
And that will do.

Third stanza-I,I,no,and+ghih pattern

I wear my mask,
I wear it well,
No one will ask,
And they can't tell.

Then you could do another stanza with the same pattern as stanza one. You already have 2 lines that start with 'though' created and the others look like they could easily be restructured.

and then follow a similar pattern in stanza 5 and 6 as 2 and 3. You would not need to be locked into to the I,I,No,And beginning either. If you kept the pattern with different words I think it would draw the reader through more and be more aesthetic.

It is a good topic

[Delta40]

I like the honest truth of this poem

[Beautifull]

It's so funny. We must have been thinking alike! I just drew a picture and called it mask. It seems to relate a lot to your poem too!

http://kyeire.deviantart.com/#/d2xdgnp

Well, he's blind in one eye and is ghost white, so he looks like a mask. It's one of my first drawings using my computer. *cheese**cheese*

[Zothar]

So i tried reconstructing it using your suggestions. tell me what you think.

Though my heart aches,
Though my soul grieves,
Though my head hurts,
Though I cannot see,
I am living on,
I will follow through,
No one will know,
And that will do.
I’m wearing a mask,
I wear it well;
No one will ask,
And they can't tell.
Though you live through the pain,
Though it is hell to pay,
Though there is so little to gain,
Though you face it every day.
I have friends to aid me
I know they want to lift me high;
No one can change what I see,
I know to deny it would be a lie.
And though I am not doubting
That I will see him again,
I will always be missing
The companionship of my friend.