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Thread: Keats Help :D

  1. #1
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    Keats Help :D

    righto, for my class we are supposed to emulate a writers style...i choose keats
    this is the poem ive written (i flipped the grecian influence to nordic):

    Kept wonders pass beyond the swell
    For eternal whisperings around
    Crash upon desolate shores, silent of sound,
    That scarcely found in darkness unbound
    The silence and the shell--
    Unmoved from where it had sometime fell.

    Máni embraces a shadowed spell
    ‘Tis in such gentle temperance found –
    Among those vex’d and tired hearts run aground.
    Oh, ye! Feast thy eyes upon the sea
    For Eir’s melody sighs;
    Soft sounding bells unto the seas skies .

    Njord my father will you hear me
    The winds of heaven are unbound,
    And last the wideness of the sea,
    In its cloying melody—
    Disturb’d languish with uproar rude,
    Clouds thy eyes and dims thy heart to brood.

    Whence standing in Valhalla’s days;
    Cast thy spirit unto the Norns
    And turn thy sightless eyes to gaze—
    Enchant’d of the Margygur;
    Upon whose brows rests a crown of thorns,
    And voices of old, shadow bound,
    Of sjøen’s eternal sound.

    apparently it doesnt sound keatsian enough...the ideas come from his sonnet 'on the sea', they structure is more like 'ode to apollo' but apparently the feel is closer to 'the eve of st. agnes'.

    any suggestions how to anchor it to the poems its based off, or how to make is sound more keats like?

  2. #2
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    I can't comment on the Keats formula (although it has the Keatsian allusions and puzzling syntax); but you may find the following comments useful on what has the makings of a good poem:

    No title
    Several repetitions of sound, bound/unbound, sea/s, melody.
    "had sometime fell" ungrammatical just to rhyme with "shell"
    "run aground" ungrammatical. I suggest "now aground" or simply "aground"
    "Feast thy eyes" is clumsy assonance. "Feast thine eyes " might be better.
    "sighs;" semi-colon not required?
    Alliteration in "Soft sounding bells unto the seas skies" is good but "skies of the sea" might be better. Unfortunately, you have two "seas" in close proximity. "Sounding soft bells unto the skies" would suffice.
    Possibly, change "upon the sea" to "upon the ocean" in order to preserve the "sea" rhyme in next verse.
    "days;" semi-colon not required?
    "brows". Too many sibilants. I suggest "brow".
    Last verse has seven lines. All others only six. (Although, that is not an error but a matter for your judgement)
    No consistent rhyme scheme. (Although, that is, similarly, your choice). But "around", "sound, and "unbound" not forgetting "found" in successive lines seems too much of a good thing.
    Better punctuation would assist comprehension.

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