Near Death

[breathtest]

deleted for personal reasons

[hillwalker]

This is an amazing piece of writing - simple as that.

I love the tension that hits us right from the opening. The way you describe the search for a pulse certainly grabs the reader's attention.

And the small switches between time frames are very effective - even the replayed 2-sentence conversation with the 911 operator has an interesting role to play in the overall scheme of the story.

I'm not 100% certain the ending works 'though - it leaves the reader hanging on. But I guess that's the whole point of the story, neither death nor life.....

Your short-story writing skills are oustanding if this is representative of your other stuff (I can remember one piece you wrote way back about a disturbed writer and that was also good, but this is better in my opinion). One of the best stories on this forum - and I do try and take a look at them all.

H

[breathtest]

My my Hillwalker, that's by far the most positive comment i've ever gotten on this forum. I thank you humbly. I did sort of some semi-research to write this, something i've never done before. Just seeing what was the correct procedure for CPR and also what the emergency services operator would be likely to say during a call. But i really enjoyed writing it, and i'm glad you liked the switching time-frames. The bit with the 911 operator was an addition i liked, so i'm so glad you liked it too. I'm eternally grateful for your response, you've made my day.

[Mr.K]

I really enjoyed this. Great piece of writing.

I agree with hillwalker about the ending, I would go for something more diffuse, perhaps. Keeping the reader guessing more. Maybe something about those dreams and language, as well as the light. It's hard for me to explain, but I really think this short story has the potential to be truly spectacular if you just changed the ending in some way.

Anyway, a very good short story in my opinion.

[breathtest]

Wow okay thanks for the positive comment. So you think it would be better if the ending was even more uncertain and down to the individuals interpretation?

[Mr.K]

Personally, yes. This is all based on my initial experience of the text, I just ended up with a feeling that it could have had a better ending.

[breathtest]

Thanks Mr K i will definitely consider a different ending as i do agree with you, if i can come up with a better one.

[Maryd.]

Am I having De ja vu here Andy... Help me out? Where have I heard those names before?

[breathtest]

I have no idea Mary, what are you thinking?

[Maryd.]

Well I can't remember the story... But golly those names ring a bell. I don't know where, but they do.

[Maryd.]

Sorry dear, was so caught up in the de ja vu... Forgot to leave a proper message. I loved it. Don't change anything. It is perfect. You are an excellent writer sir.
Did you edit it yourself?
Regards Mary.

[breathtest]

Thanks very much Mary and yes i did edit it myself. I'm glad you liked it.

[Steven Hunley]

This was a fine piece and deals with an important question we'll all thought about, the near-death-experience, and what creates it. I like it when authors deal with something tough. The inital hook was effective and the writing just kept you hangin on for more as you let out the narrative line. Thanks for the experience.

[Hawkman]

This is very well written and quite cinematic. Have you been watching Memento or Don't Look Now? you should give screenwriting a go.

Best, H

[Buh4Bee]

I'm glad that I took the time to read this.

The dialogue between the two character was hard for me at first as I felt it was one person talking, but as the conversation progressed I could easily understand the dichotomy between the two perspectives. The format is successful. It kept me sharp as the reader and it actually kept me engaged.

I'd love to see another chapter to this.