Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: visions of hell

  1. #1
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Hull
    Posts
    671
    Blog Entries
    25

    visions of hell

    a poem with many dark images, please comment.



    blue bottle of orchid pills,
    hectic hours beneath
    highway bridges
    colour streaming by

    our gentle nights,
    the few remaining shadows
    till dawn

    the livery paste
    of the face of
    the dead
    lifted up, misshapen
    and screaming obscene
    gestures

    the automobile coated
    in thick shiny oil, shining
    in delirious afternoons
    and reflecting streetlights
    after dark

    - our world as a single
    entity
    in its emplacement
    upon cosmic brow -

    the silence in the car
    was like an impact
    after the noise outside,
    and the uneven streetlamps
    like a vision of hell
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

  2. #2
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    I'm almost at a loss for what to say, this is so vivid! The impact is enormous.

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    6,161
    Blog Entries
    8
    Outstanding, breathtest. So vivid. H

  4. #4
    flung (but not far) hack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    in absentia
    Posts
    1,623
    Blog Entries
    17
    This is good!
    Cinematic.

    Perhaps, if you might excuse a small edit:

    Delete "shining" from V4L2 and change V4L3 to:
    "The sheen of delirious afternoons"

    This IS outstanding...peace...
    "Remember, we are all in this alone." - Lilly Tomlin

  5. #5
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Hull
    Posts
    671
    Blog Entries
    25
    I am glad it had such an enormous impact, Prince. Almost lost for words, wow, never thought i could come close to that kind of reaction from anybody.

    Hawkman, my humble thanks, a good comment from you is always valued.

    Hack, thank you too. Your opinion here is valid. However with that line i was trying to indicate the shine of the oil and the heat that can make you delirious. We are helpless when it comes to mother earth. she may bite and we are helpless to stop her. the juxtaposition is between man-made machinery and the fluctuating moods of the planet. Having said that, your suggested line would be valid and i'm sure many people will like yours better, but i'm going to stick. Thank you endlessly for taking the time, i'm happy you liked it.
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

  6. #6
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    3,640
    Blog Entries
    1
    Nightmarish and psychidelic and poetic. Three of my favourite things
    BW
    JB

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Fremantle Western Australia
    Posts
    9,902
    Blog Entries
    62
    very strong imagery.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  8. #8
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Hull
    Posts
    671
    Blog Entries
    25
    JerryBaldy - those are three of MY favourite things, too. What a coincidence! Thanks.

    Delta40 - thanks a lot.
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

  9. #9
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Tongue Imbroglio
    Posts
    2,663
    I don't know how it escaped me... it produces of so strong images in the mind, and is distressing, Gosh.

    "screaming obscene
    gestures"

    sounds weird and reminds of the biblical "seeing voices"...

    dark, Orson-Welles'y, hounting.

    Thanks you Breath, be well!

    Bar


  10. #10
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Hull
    Posts
    671
    Blog Entries
    25
    Thanks for reading Bar22do and commenting
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

  11. #11
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    10,145
    Blog Entries
    4
    very strong visuals. The car plot left me wondering if it's a new beginning or the beginning of an end. Powerful stuff.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  12. #12
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Hull
    Posts
    671
    Blog Entries
    25
    Hey thanks Haunted
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

  13. #13
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    At the north border
    Posts
    3,381
    Blog Entries
    156
    sorry for missing this piece.

    This made me think of a drug colony under a bridge and a car crashing into the area. I know this is not your intent, but it makes sense to me.

    blue bottle and orchid pills- expresses the seductiveness of habit forming pills. This was a very strong opening line and hooked me immediately.

  14. #14
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Hull
    Posts
    671
    Blog Entries
    25
    Jersea i'm glad you mentioned that first line because that stuck in my head when i wrote the piece. I liked it too. It's good that the poem had some meaning to you specifically, i like it when that happens. And don't worry that you missed it, thanks for commenting
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

  15. #15
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    1,194
    Disturbing, powerful, and contemporary, breath. Good stuff, reminded me of JG Ballard. (Note to self: must read more JG Ballard... must read more JG Ballard...)

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Tell Me A Joke
    By smilingtearz in forum General Chat
    Replies: 854
    Last Post: 10-21-2021, 02:18 PM
  2. Excerpt from "The Death and Times of Christopher Young"
    By Seabird111 in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 06-22-2008, 01:01 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •