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Thread: Following Julio

  1. #1
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Following Julio

    He’d infuse papaya leaves
    for breakfast. Was inspired
    by a tiny sloop heading for the ocean end,
    an oval of a passion fruit and
    naturalmente by his tawny Mia, cello-shaped.
    Julio indulged seco Frasquiera -
    would lift up his glass as if it held ambrosia.
    Ecstatic, he heard black pebbles
    on the beach, jostling,
    or ancient volcanic rumors, ear to earth.
    A maze of little stories inevitably led
    to his birth floating orchards.

    Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
    he fled on a slender wineglass stem
    reaching for the unknown sky end, above Madeira.

    Over dark-iodine Colheita
    now Mia and friends probe the redness of this huge eye
    ritually closing beneath the water lid
    and carefully ignore as if a light breeze
    rustling their own end of Eden time.

    Last edited by Bar22do; 07-13-2010 at 06:41 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Lumiere's Avatar
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    Lisboa must be good for your poetry organ;
    this is beautiful.
    I've been reading Octavio Paz, and the patient lushes of your words reminds me a bit of that;
    poetry that fills you up!
    Nabokov referred to this feeling as the "sob in the spine".
    Thanks for the feeling.

  3. #3
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    Wine and poetry are good bedfellows and mutually enriching. I feel as though you have indeed left a kiss within the cup.

    I really loved this:

    "Ecstatic
    he heard black pebbles on the beach
    jostling, or
    ancient volcanic rumors, ear to earth."

    I think this is a marvellous poem, Bar with its bouquet of rich language and soft nods to memory with a more than a hint of reflection to give it colour and body. Most stimulating to the palate.

    So thanks for enriching my morning, but I mustn't over indulge before the sun is over the yard-arm...

    Live and be well. H

    PS. You might consider swapping schooner for sloop, as it is both a ship and a glass used for drinking Port. Just a thought. H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 06-27-2010 at 05:37 AM.

  4. #4
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Lumière, how I love Octavio Paz... !! I cherish your appreciation of my poem... thanks!
    Hawkman, thanks for commenting; "schooner" sounds like a beer glass more than porto... but perhaps I just don't feel the word and you might be right, thanks for suggesting... (oh, and what you say is that a kiss floating in porto is the secret of ambrosia..., very interesting..)

    Be well, Bar
    Last edited by Bar22do; 06-27-2010 at 06:03 PM.

  5. #5
    flung (but not far) hack's Avatar
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    It is beautiful and dreamlike
    and heartbreaking.
    "Remember, we are all in this alone." - Lilly Tomlin

  6. #6
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    The language you use in this is indeed like a dark, rich wine, and you use it to such good effect. A toast, to you and to julio, wherever he may be.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  7. #7
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Thanks a lot hack and qim..., lumière, that "sob in the spine" is somewhere an immodest objective (for next life or so... ), but one has to be a Nabokov, or a... Pastan to hope to achieve such level of writing... thank you all the same, my "artist-readers"... Bar

  8. #8
    on the run lallison's Avatar
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    This is exquisite! The powerful visions and sounds emanating out of your poem are magnificent. To me it speaks of the richness and beauty that life has to offer to those who are willing to go out and find it. When I read this, I see blue oceans and lush volcanoes steaming above it. It makes me homesick for the place I've just left and hungry for more tropical fruits. You inspire with your work. Your poetic talent is clear, blue and translucently apparent. Thanks for giving the joy I felt in reading.

  9. #9
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    "he fled on a slender wineglass stem" was a line i understood and liked. i guess he narrowly escaped. which reminds me of michael franks' 'look at me i'm a refugee from the island life' (music).

  10. #10
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    lallison thanks a lot for your kind words; this poem describes lust for life's beauty, refinement and creative inspiration in a place where death itself (over which the sun cries none the less) is easier to bear...

    cogs, going in this fashion is indeed a way to escape, gracefully. I'm happy you loved "the slender stem"... and thanks for reading

    very best to both of you - Bar

  11. #11
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    There are some very nice moments in this, Bar; it's a poem which takes on the biggest issue of all and is quietly successful in its ambitions, with its subtext of carpe diem or memento mori.

    The first stanza has some wonderful imagery but is a bit bumpy to read. I'm not too keen on the exclamation mark at the end of the first sentence, it feels like it's trying too hard to make an impression which can just be left to the words themselves. I think it comes down to our old friends 'show and tell' - saying he was 'embracing life' and 'ecstatic' fall into the latter category and I feel the poem would be improved if they were left out. Just listing Julio's wonderfully-drawn characteristics is enough, I feel, and where the strengths of the poem lie.

    I'm not really sure what to make of 'birth floating orchards', to be honest, but it does pre-figure the 'death in Eden' image and stanza, which itself is emotionally restrained in its concision and works well, particularly
    Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
    which makes a powerfully confused kind of sense.

    I think it's worth contrasting the first and final stanzas, where you just 'show' the mourning friends rather than 'telling' how they're feeling. (I'm not sure about them 'ignoring' the wind, though, it suggests they're doing this deliberately, where I think it would work better if no connection was made between them.)

    Anyway, the end is quite sinister, imbuing the wind with a destructive power, but subtely suggesting death is part of nature, without being too obvious about it. Similar to another poem posted here, it reminds me of 'Wind' by James Fenton. (And also the 'ancient volcanic rumors' line; and the 'ear to earth' image - I loved this, as it provides one of those wonderful moments in poetry when the reader is forced to stop and look with fresh eyes at otherwise prosaic, commonplace words. Nicely done.) It's also nicely structured - starting with breakfast and ending at sunset.

    Excellent poem, Bar.
    b|v

  12. #12
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    B/V thanks for showing up and thus proving you are still around a bit, even if busy... Thanks for your thorough devoted critique of my poem, as for your appreciating it, at least in parts! I can imagine how busy you are, hence my intensified feeling of gratitude for your time and reflection around my effort. Carpe diem and memento mori underlie my poem indeed, you felt it so right. As you noticed the intended structure going from morning to death, I mean - night...

    It's so late now, I really have to go to rest, but will give a careful attention to your comment and since I still consider my piece a mere draft, I'll ponder how to improve it, also/especially in the light of your reading it. Many many thanks, B/V, and I hope you're getting your own things done! Thanks for caring - and best regards - Bar

  13. #13
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Ah, B/V, thanks also for James Fenton, I confess I didn't know his poetry, but will look for now... best - Bar

  14. #14
    holy fool _Shannon_'s Avatar
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    This is one of those that I have no idea what it's about (I missed all the carpe diemness and all that stuff everyone else sees, lol! I'm distractible, what can I say? ;P)---but my word, I feel like I was just whispered to before bed, with great love, before being tucked in for the night. I love it!
    "I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
    ~E.B. White

  15. #15
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Shannon, Shannon, my humble, sincere, embarrassed apologies...!!!!! I haven't seen your comment till now!
    What a pleasure to read that you found in my poem a melody to lull you into sleep! and that you loved it with such a spontaneity. Thank you.

    In the meantime, the melody changed a bit, I reflected on different comments, mainly on B/V's perceptive critique, and here is the result/revision, if you or anyone else cared to read, below.

    Be very well, Shannon, your contribution on this site is greatly appreciated, as is your confident poetic word! Bar


    Following Julio

    Papaya peels to start the day was his rule.
    Inspired by a sloop heading for the ocean end,
    an oval of a passion fruit and naturalmente
    by his tawny Mia, cello-shaped,

    he'd hear black pebbles on the beach jostling
    or ancient volcanic rumors, ear to earth.

    Julio indulged seco Frasquiera
    his glass clinking as if with comrade gods’.
    He gold-nibbed dainty ambiences
    of the island “floating orchards”.

    Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
    he fled on a slender wineglass stem
    towards the unknown sky end, above Madeira.

    Over dark-iodine Colheita, now Mia and friends
    probe the redness of this huge eye
    ritually hooded beneath the water lid,
    a light breeze rustling their own end of Eden time.
    Last edited by Bar22do; 07-07-2010 at 07:33 PM.

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