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Thread: A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

  1. 08-28-2010, 10:38 AM #106
    Haunted
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    I've been struggling with this poem. It started out in minimalist style but I felt I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. It's autobiographical so I want to get this one right. Here's a rewrite of a rewrite http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=55044 Please chime in and tell me what you think!!




    his green eyes


    they were never
    this green
    or this tranced

    emeralds
    as clear and dear
    as his love
    flawless
    wholesome

    then
    why

    he’s so distant
    as though he didn’t see me

    I searched inside
    those unfamiliar
    iridescent pupils

    so undeniably
    dilated

    yet

    here I am
    so in denial

    so
    bro
    ken
    up

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    his vet
    says

    their
    eyes

    never
    close
    right

    when
    they
    d
    i
    e




    ~for Apricot~

    Last edited by Haunted; 10-17-2010 at 02:07 PM.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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  2. 08-28-2010, 10:41 AM #107
    dafydd manton
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    Oh Haunted. What a touching, lovely poem. I really felt for you, when I read it. Superb.
    Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!! www.dafydd-manton.co.uk

    My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!
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  3. 08-28-2010, 10:59 AM #108
    Maryd.
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    Oh, as a cat lover, I empathise with you, with this poem... You made me feel what you are feeling with the broken wording... Very clever effect
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  4. 08-28-2010, 11:11 AM #109
    Haunted
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    Thanks so much Dafy, your comment is heartfelt.

    Mary, my cat lover friend, love you dear!

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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  5. 08-28-2010, 03:58 PM #110
    Jerrybaldy
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    Haunted
    I remember the original well and thought it was marvelous as it was. Nothing wrong with a bit of tinkering though, lost one.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.
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  6. 08-28-2010, 06:23 PM #111
    Bar22do
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haunted View Post
    I've been struggling with this poem. It started out in minimalist style but I felt I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. It's autobiographical so I want to get this one right. Here's a rewrite of a rewrite http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=55044 Please chime in and tell me what you think!!




    his green eyes


    they were never
    this green
    or this tranced

    emeralds
    as clear and dear
    as his love
    flawless
    wholesome

    then
    why

    he’s so distant
    as though he didn’t see me

    I searched inside
    those unfamiliar
    iridescent pupils

    so undeniably
    dilated

    yet

    here I am
    so in denial

    so
    bro
    ken
    up

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    his vet
    says

    their
    eyes

    never
    close
    right

    when
    they
    d
    i
    e


    haunted, this precious piece fills me with anguish... my cat is over 15... but - your poem is a masterpiece in form and an infinity at heart!

    Thank you.

    Bar
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  7. 08-29-2010, 09:26 AM #112
    Haunted
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    aww Bar, your comment touched me. Wish you all the best with your kitty, dear.

    Jerry, you have such good memory, thanks for giving both of them a read!

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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  8. 09-01-2010, 02:42 PM #113
    Haunted
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    just updating the TOC...removing an unpostworthy poem from the list....

    please comment, criticize, rant away, etc. If you feel the need to trash a trashy poem, go ahead, I can take the abuse



    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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  9. 09-02-2010, 11:19 AM #114
    Haunted
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    September 2nd


    another
    month

    another
    anniversary

    today i will be
    with my baby

    he
    died
    seven months ago
    on the 2nd

    please
    don’t look
    for me
    today


    Last edited by Haunted; 09-02-2010 at 11:46 AM.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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  10. 09-02-2010, 11:44 AM #115
    dafydd manton
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    Haunted, you have this amazing ability to turn even the most hardened cynic to tears. I'm pretty sure than most of us would just like to give you a big hug, and try to make you feel better. Much love
    Dave
    Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!! www.dafydd-manton.co.uk

    My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!
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  11. 09-02-2010, 03:37 PM #116
    Jerrybaldy
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    This must be about green eyes...
    love to you haunted,
    Jerry

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.
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  12. 09-02-2010, 06:30 PM #117
    Haunted
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    awww Dave, you're such a sweetheart <3

    Jerry knows, this is indeed about green eyes...thanks my dear x

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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  13. 09-02-2010, 06:35 PM #118
    dafydd manton
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    I just feel for zou. I know the pain of loss of a loved pet.
    Dafydd Manton, A Legend In His Own Lunchtime!! www.dafydd-manton.co.uk

    My Work Has Been Spread Over Many Fields!
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  14. 09-03-2010, 12:27 PM #119
    NikolaiI
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    It's lovely though it is so sad, and it reminds us that life is so fragile and so valuable. It's a really good poem because it is a perfect expression of the feeling. And it's so sweet to make a day for remembering him.
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  15. 09-06-2010, 11:03 PM #120
    Haunted
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    Thanks Nik. I know you would be one to agree that connectedness doesn't end with death.

    yes Daf, 2 and counting...

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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