Oh Haunted. I hope you don't actually feel this way!
Secondly as a poem you use the sounds of existence and the technology of existence to your advantage to diminish the real you. Very effective and it hits home to me straight away.
Oh Haunted. I hope you don't actually feel this way!
Secondly as a poem you use the sounds of existence and the technology of existence to your advantage to diminish the real you. Very effective and it hits home to me straight away.
I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it
Sound of 1 st stanza tried to avoid someone at the front, the rest of it remind me of have photo taken but really does not want to have taken.
Sorry just re reading the poem. I also hope you don't feel that way to. You have home and family here. xxxxxxx
Last edited by zoolane; 02-09-2011 at 03:18 PM.
English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.
Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane
I have pass by English Exam.
God, this is surely close to the bleakest of the poems you've written & posted - but your confidence in handling this very terse form just grows and grows!
Thanks Zoo and Prince.
Delta, true that, from real life to cyberspace. sigh.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I missed this because it was buried in the basement of the previous towerblock - but having retreated one page there you were. And as bleak and regretful as this reads - at least it got noticed, so your efforts were worthwhile. As are the efforts of reading your poetry.
H
You are HAUNTED. Screw them all . But you know thatx
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Hill, thanks for hauling it out of the basement, hope it was worthwhile for you too.
yes Jerry, with a driver
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Your value is splashed all over the recent history of this classless society of ne'er do wells
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
translation please (too much screwdriver in my noodle)
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Haunted, it's maybe because I feel somewhat weak and shaken at the moment (after a ghastly ex re-contacted me some days ago – a two-hour-phone-conversation too gruesome for words) but 'honesty' hit me in a tender spot, almost made my eyes water. You painted with so little and simple words a whole world in which I recognize so much of myself that it nearly hurts. When I was living with my ex (it lasted 13 years), I had that tendency to give up who and what I was for my Significant Other. I felt that 'seeing your eyes again/in the morning/is the only reason/to open mine'. When it was over (the creep had a sideway affair going on for months before I discovered it and left), I suppose you can imagine the pain, the feel of loss, the world crumbling down. I find all of these in your precious lines.
'The real me' is excellent, too; yet it appeals more to my head, less to my feelings ('honesty' was like an emotional hit with a hammer on my head!).
Last edited by DieterM; 02-10-2011 at 03:53 AM.
'Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein…' ("Liebesode" - Otto Erich Hartleben)
"Small Portions" available in Kindle format
Dieter, I'm touched by what you said and how much you relate to "honesty", means a lot to me. xo
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
#345 is one of your better pieces. I say this because unless there is explicit evidence to the contrary, I try never to confuse the "I" of the poem, the speaker, with
its author. This piece works because it is expressed artfully (each stanza or "strophe) begins with the same phrase, "I am," it depicts an individual against the inroads of an extremely superficial, technological society, but most of all it's effective because rather than an amorphous, overly "personal" journal entry, it is actually "about" something specific.
All this gobbledy-gook above ^ is just to say that you've done a good job with this particular poem.
Aunt, it's a pleasure to read your thoughtful gobbledy-gook. I walk a fine line between fiction and autobiography. But in this last one it really is me.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Hi Haunted, Sorry, been neglecting you a bit. Really liked your last two offerings but have a couple of suggestions to run by you.
In Honesty I would recommend dropping the last line of S3. By doing this you'd leave the statement open and give state a double meaning. It would also even the stanzas out so that they are all three lines. For this reason I'd also tweak the last one. try:
"To see your eyes every moring
is the only reason
I open mine"
Lastly I'd drop the italics on truth is.
The Real Me
The only thing I'd suggest here is changing the indefinate article to the definate in the first two strophes. Economical and effective poem.
Best, H
Oh no, not again...
Hawk, so glad you are back and with a bagful of suggestions no less! I'm guilty of the same but never for a lack of interest in reading the poetry here.
In honesty it is supposed to be a double meaning, so I dropped the last line as you said. I'm holding on to the word "again" in the last stanza, it implies a bit of codependency and for that reason I'm also leaving the bold/ital emphasis for "truth is"
In the real me you are absolutely right about the article.
thanks so much!
Last edited by Haunted; 02-15-2011 at 11:49 AM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
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