That repeated "must" in line 2 does wonders to prepare one for the revelation at the end of her awareness that he has been lying - all along. The "exquisite" stationary and the linen envelope are very effective details.
That repeated "must" in line 2 does wonders to prepare one for the revelation at the end of her awareness that he has been lying - all along. The "exquisite" stationary and the linen envelope are very effective details.
Hi Haunted. I like this poem, it's very efective.
"whenever she misses him
she lays on a bed of letters
this is where he is
when he is not here"
However, lays, should be lies. Now I can see why you would not want to use lies, as the punchline of the poem is lie, so you could say, "She lays herself [down] on a bed of letters" The down is optional.
Best, H
You must read minds Hawk, I was debating with myself, lie or lay, lay or lie.... I abhorred at the thought of having to use "lie" because of my lifelong hatred to repeat the same word twice in a poem, and also exactly as you said, it might take from the punchline. I would sacrifice everything for a knockout punchline...my house, my integrity, even grammar!
Thanks Jerry, your comment is so eloquent, did you write it with an old fountain pen? Hail to 1948! And those hanging chads, pregnant chads, they came right out of American politics. The fact that it works so well, I have all those stupid politicians to thank.
Hill, thanks for the comment. And yes, everyone knew except her, or maybe she just didn't care....
Thanks Mary. The way you said it...sigh.
Thank you Prince! After the linen envelopes I did try a line with 20% cotton paper but decided not to push it, it may look forced.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
The best solution would be to say, "she reclines on a bed of letters"
Hawk, I totally forgot to make the change you suggested. I really like "lays herself down"...the optional "down" actually adds just the right pitch. But I opted to drop "herself", just want to keep it minimalist.
Originally Posted by Hawkman
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Wonderful Haunted.
...peace...
"Remember, we are all in this alone." - Lilly Tomlin
I appreciated it Hack!
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I first wrote this to complete a Trilogy. I kept it short and sweet (maybe not) as a wrap up. But what I had in mind is more involved and certainly beyond the trilogy. Is this better as a standalone, or should I stick with the trilogy?
my name is Jane
water is my birth sign
I had no desire to
come back to land
the waves pull and push
my vintage lipstick red gown
until the layers of chiffon
open up all around me
like a rose in the ocean
he should recognize me
on the ten o’clock news
I feel a pair of eyes
gaze into mine
hopeless for answers
my white knight
gently picks off
my long dark matted hair
from my mouth
he notes the saline content
in my water filled lungs
most definitely from the sea
but it could also be tears
before he leaves the
temperature controlled room
he apologetically tags my toe
Jane Doe
Last edited by Haunted; 11-19-2010 at 08:03 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Except for the change of tense in
he noted the saline content
this is definitely the superior version of this poem. I'm not sure it fits in the Trilogy now but it's strong as a stand-alone.
I fixed the tense, thanks Prince.
I feel better with this expanded version too. I didn't include in the trilogy more details because they wouldn't fit. This has a story of its own. So down with the trilogy, I'll get a wrecking ball....
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I like this poem lot, it remind of recent peice I wrote 'The Slab' in short story about boy but was bit blunt.
Haunted your is one of 'Jane Doe' one place she will ever be.
Favourite lines are. 2 verse and last one.
English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.
Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane
I have pass by English Exam.
Excellent haunted.
I am still re-reading looking for clues - is your knight white as he is dressed in white jacket in a morgue?
The second stanza is a thing of beauty with our heroine drowning? in a visually stunning manner.
It stands alone and I will now have to fight myself for 'Jane' verus 'love story'.
well done haunted
Jerry
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
The salt on my blistered lips
crackles on the stem of my pipe.
My sou'wester glows by a sudden moon
briefly free from thunderclouds.
Beneath a flapping throng of gulls
I see a woman like a taffeta rose
disappearing, reappearing
in angry whisps of spray.
I spin the wheel around.
I know her by any other name
and I would never hold her back
as she is on her way down.
Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 11-19-2010 at 06:15 PM.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Thanks zoo, I have to check out "The Slab".
Jerry you got that right, the coroner wearing a white coat. I tried white coated knight /the knight in the white coat...but none of them worked so I went back to white knight.
I got goosebumps...This would be how she wanted to be found, if not rescued by a seasoned sailor, perhaps a captain, with blistered lips smoking a pipe. What vivid portrayal, it's got so much personality in just two lines. Love the imagery in S2. Had to look up taffeta. Beautiful choice of word and visual. It ends just the way it should. Thanks for remembering her wish in Love Story.
Last edited by Haunted; 11-19-2010 at 07:28 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Wouldnt want such a poetic death to go by unobserved
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
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