A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

[Haunted]

Santa's list


nothin' crazy
just a camera

naturally the best possible
resolution on earth

one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable
that are their faces
and the peace
that has become their eyes

I would also like optical zoom
to pull them close

and infrared lenses
for that extra spectral clarity

and thermal imaging
to chart the orbs as they float
as elusive as sheer white oregano
while I sit in the dark room

waiting
wailing
waning

Santa, if you're real
f*cking bring them home for Christmas

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt: There's a bit of a problem with S3:

"one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable
that are their faces"

there are acouple of things about the underlined which jar a bit. The declension in the third line here is not in agreement with line 2 and line 2 reads as incomplete. "Least palpable is a long way of saying impalpable, perfectly good word, but where you say "are their" afterwardes, you need to have something after the plapable word so that the specific of faces agrees with the expression. A word like 'traces' would do this.

not sure about most in the first line here either.

"one with enough pixels
to catch the impalpable traces
of their faces"

would probably be the most elegent way to say this.

S6 L3 you can drop the first "as" because you don't need it.

"waiting
wailing
waning"

I'm not sure about this verse, but I can see why you'd want it. However, it's impact would be improved by making "waiting" the last word. Wailing and waning are weak, with soft consonants, whereas "t" is a hard aggressive sound. it needs to be the one which ends the stanza, otherwise it comes over as weak. I'd use waning first and waiting last.

Lastly, given the title, To Santa, the penultimate line doesn't really agree with the idea of the letter to Santa. The title and body of the the text imply that Santa is being addressed directly, so, "if you're real" would make more sense in context.

Overalll though, the poem is very effective in conveying a sense of lonliness and loss, reaching out to the ephemeral and expressing greif.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Amazing, how you convey desperation and sorrow here. Newtown come to mind, of course. But not only. You surpass yourself in originality, Haunted. Thanks a lot for this one. And my warmest wishes for a magic Christmas and a blessed New Year to you and yours, as well as to our common linnet-friends! (I'm so little available these days, have moments to read a piece or two, here and there. Please forgive my hastily reactions!)

[qimissung]

"extra spectral clarity"-I like this line. It's a good poem, Haunted. I think Hawkman makes some good points, but on the whole, you get the point of love and loss and being extraneous to your loved ones across quite effectively.

I like your last line a lot, too.

[Haunted]

Hawk, "if you're real" works! I had been rewriting that line over and over, this sounds most direct. Regarding the 3 "least palpable" lines, I wasn't thinking of the word "impalpable" at all, just "least palpable, yes, seriously. There is something tangible about the paranormal. Grammar-wise, one might expect a noun after "least palpable", but I wrote it to be similar in construct to "the least obvious" which doesn't require a noun, it is the noun. I do like your version, it's smooth and certainly grammatical, but it lost something for me. I could grammarize it and rewrite it as "least palpable/as their faces" but for now I'll keep its original form, for even if it misses grammatically, it's punchier. Your comment on "waiting/wailing/waning" is spot on, with the soft consonants, but that is intentional — it's meant for a fading effect, as one becomes emotionally drained and reduced to nothing. All in all this is another piece that's been a challenge to write, and your attention to details is hugely appreciated!

Bar, I'm really glad you have had a moment to leave a comment, and being so supportive and sweet as you always are. Happy holidays!

Qim, thanks so much! Who knew, the f word is a crowd pleaser

[Haunted]

tom


I can't remember the last time
but the first time
was some awakening

there he was
on my bed
curved into me
without my consent

but he was crazy
and I love crazy...

a wound-up mountain lion
morbidly mighty
stopping at nothing
next he'd be the softest teddy
and so I let him act out his beast

he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh
at night he'd give me an earful
if his bed — me —
wasn't ready on demand

all this for fourteen years
and I can't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

they said it'd come back
with time
(or not)

but I do remember the first time
when I got down and crawled
to the forbidding shadow
where he lay

and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was
on the dusky floor

I dabbed his decrepit face
until the cotton ran out
and there was nothing left
nothing but a small set of bones
under paper-thin skin

the last time he took his breath
it was a very strange day
the world was wrapped in sun
but at the same time
it was raining cats and tears



~ ~ ~ ~


for Tiger
1994 - 2012

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt.

There are a couple of things to pick up on in this poem. Generally the emotion of the piece, the memeno rmori aspect is well realised, but I feel the poem suffers a little from being a tiny bit over written, and there are some peculiar word choices on occasion. There is a danger, when communicating intensely personal memories, either to become obscure or throw in unnecessary exposition.

The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects. Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.

S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"

Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.

"but I do remember the first time
when I crawled to the shadow
where he lay
and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was on the dusky
unforgiving floor"

This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.

My favourite bit:

"he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh..."

and the poignancy of the penultimate verse is well realised.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?

[Haunted]

Hawk, thanks again, as always, for your lengthy and indepth comment, and your observations are all good and correct. It took me like, 4 months to complete this, trying to stay relevant. I wanted to record a tale, abridged, with a condensed timeline and some personal thoughts and sentiments along the way. With that ambition it started out truly overwritten and I've already cut one or two stanzas as I was finishing this. I think I'm ok with the content right now, it's a tad long for my own taste but I can't think of a way to shorten it yet keeping it the same, because the poem also needs to be relevant to me as well, since it's a personal piece, with a dedication.

The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects.

"A morbidly obese mountain lion", good lord no! I"m using "mighty" here just to describe strength and power, not size. I combined it with "morbidly" to allude to his hunts and kills, that's all. It's an aspect of his character so I want to leave it in. I'll dangle it out and see if anyone else comes to your "unwholesome" conclusion :=D

Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.

I knew something was missing! But I don't really write complete sentences in poetry, only contracted forms so instead of adding "moment..." to make a smooth sentence which isn't really my thing, I'll change how the "next" line is written, I"ll see if I can contract it a bit more.

S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"

Totally agree. I just threw it in there quickly, wasn't happy with it. I've rewritten it.

Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.

That's a self-conscious thought, yes. Wordy, yes. But I need that to complete that thought because it really isn't coming back....

This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.

THe "first time" refers to the crawling over. "Once again" refers to what happens after that. It's sequential, same event but not the same actions. If it's confusing I'll split up the stanza and see.

Lots of great feedback and ideas for improvement, thanks so much for your time and intensive reading, much appreciated!!!!


Delta, thanks for popping in with such kind words. I have some thoughts to share with you and I want to devote some time to it, I'll get back to you in a little bit.

[qimissung]

What if you did something like this:

I don't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

but the first time
the first time

I crawled...


Oh Haunted, so sad! I felt it all. It's beautiful. What a lovely tribute for Tiger.

[Haunted]

I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?

Delta, thanks for your comment and patience. I was thinking the same of you, and I think I have already said that in comments posted to your poems. There are a few people here that have the weight to carry an anthology of their own and you are one of them. Your persona as the domestic diva has its charm and is tremendous fun to read. And now you've grown darker, it gives your writing another dimension. Your use of metaphors and how tightly you've spun them, it's a work of art. I used to do that a lot, but then I took a different approach but admire it when others do it. I hope I get to read your published work one day.

I just have had a few loose pieces floating out there, since then my editor passed away and I lost interest in poetry writing altogether. I did return to poetry but dropped off again. This is Poetry 3.0. My style has changed a lot and to be honest I really don't know what I'm doing

What if you did something like this:

I don't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

but the first time
the first time

I crawled...


Oh Haunted, so sad! I felt it all. It's beautiful. What a lovely tribute for Tiger.

Qim, funny you suggested that, I have experimented with that but abandoned it as I already have a few repetitions — "nothing" is repeated in a later stanza — and I tried to avoid overusing it. But repetition is indeed a technique here since it's showing someone who is obviously stuck. I've just revised it, I think it works. Thanks so much for reading and the precious comment, I'm really moved. (I hope he likes it too )

[firefangled]

Haunted, this is a beautiful, well written tribute. I understand how you must feel; recently I lost a cat named Rascal, very similar to your apt description of Tiger.

Every word was precious.

[Haunted]

Fire, thanks so much for gracing this poem with equally beautiful words. And it means a lot to me because I started writing this since September and I struggled so much with it on so many levels, so I'm really gratified you can relate and also share with me your own precious Rascal. There's sure similarity — Tiger was a rascal too, with a capital R! Your comment was reassuring and comforting and I thank you again for taking the time.

[deryk]

tom


I can't remember the last time
but the first time
was some awakening

there he was
on my bed
curved into me
without my consent

but he was crazy
and I love crazy...

a wound-up mountain lion
morbidly mighty
stopping at nothing
next he'd be the softest teddy
and so I let him act out his beast

he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh
at night he'd give me an earful
if his bed — me —
wasn't ready on demand

all this for fourteen years
and I can't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

they said it'd come back
with time
(or not)

but I do remember the first time
the first time I crawled
to the forbidding shadow
where he lay

and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was on the dusky floor

I dabbed his decrepit face
until the cotton ran out
and there was nothing left
nothing but a small set of bones
under paper-thin skin

the last time he took his breath
it was a very strange day
the world was wrapped in sun
but at the same time
it was raining cats and tears



~ ~ ~ ~


for Tiger
1994 - 2012

There is a lot of emotionally energized contrast in this poem. Along with the plain, truth-honed words, the poem paints a very stark and real image. I appreciated it for that. But what also caught my attention was a coincidence. I've been writing a poem about my father manifesting as the ghost of a dog, who shares the same name as your lost animal. Maybe it's an omen.

[Haunted]

Oh wow deryk, that's what I'd call an omen, yes. You've got to write it! It sounds really unique and I'll love to read it, I'll keep an eye out for it. And many thanks for your comment!