The Book's Short Stories

[The Book]

The Last Will and Testament of Philip Stone
This is the story of how I, Philip Stone died. I died when I 20, but it was not always this bad. I was born in Athens, Ohio in 1988. I had a great childhood. I had great parents and great friends. I went to William Clayton Elementary School. I played basketball starting in 4th grade and we even won the championship in 5th grade. My best friend in elementary was John Addison. I went to John F. Kennedy Middle School where I met the single most influential person in my life, my English teacher, Mr. D. He taught me not only how to read and write correctly, but how to live life to fullest with no regrets. I think he went on to win the Pulitzer Prize for something he wrote about 9/11. In 9th grade, I decided to join the Alexander High School football team. I played safety my first year, but often didn’t play, but I had nothing to complain about. This was also the year that I met the girl that I continued to love until I died, Hannah Jane. It was love at first sight, we met in Mrs. McCurry’s Biology class while dissecting a sheep brain, and we were paired as lab partners. Hannah was also one of the head cheerleaders and very popular. In my second year of High School, I decided to join Student Council; I soon became the vice president of the entire student body. Also, that year at Homecoming, Hannah and I were elected to be the King and Queen for the Sophomore Class. The Junior Varsity football team did very well going 12-0, and the Varsity team even won the State Championship.
My junior year was much of the same, except that I got to play on the Varsity football team for the first time. Also at this time I decided I would pursue a career in the Air Force to pay for my college, I was hoping to make it into Yale Business School. Hannah and I continued dating and all was well in my life, I was invincible, completely oblivious to my certain death. At the end of my junior year in high school, my grades were so good I could graduate early, and I did. I was still to young to either join the Air Force or apply for Yale yet, so I decided I’d go west in search of a job. This search landed me in Denver, Colorado. I was not into politics much, but soon I became interested in the politics surrounding Governor candidate Richard Michael. I became very involved with his campaign and so much, I became his leading campaign advisor. Later that same year he won the election and became Governor of Colorado. After we won I decided not join the Air Force or go to Yale, but stay in Denver and be the leading advisor to Richard Michael. I then got Hannah to come to Colorado so we could live together. When Hannah got to Colorado, I immediately asked her to merry me, she said yes. While I worked, Hannah went to the University of Colorado to get a college degree. One day while she was in class, she said she saw Mr. D, our old middle school teacher. She said he worked for the Today Show and was doing a report about a new sport that some students had invented. Mr. D then came over to our house and we had coffee and talked about this and that, and then we got to talking about presidential election coming up and that the Democratic National Convention was going to be in Denver for 2008. He wanted to convince the Governor to boycott the convention in protest of the war, while I was not against the war I agreed to try it because I knew that Mr. D had a reason for everything he did and said. I asked the Governor to boycott the convention he said he couldn’t or it ruin his image and a lot of people wouldn’t approve and that he might be voted out of office. He then told me he had to fire me stating that I could not do my job fully any longer. When I got home that night after being fired, Hannah had a big surprise for me. She was pregnant. I could not tell her that I had been fired, it would have crushed her. So from then on, I would just leave home and go sit in the park all day. I contemplated what I had done in my life and if anything I had done with my life was really worth it or was I put on this planet for another reason, a bigger reason. I thought about why Mr. D had told me to do what I had done, and why I did it. I thought about John Addison and Athens and Alexander High and Hannah. I had come to the conclusion that I could not stop the inevitable and that I had to die to save the lives of the ones around me.
Nathan Moore Stone, son of the late Philip Stone, and Hannah Jane Stone. Born August 29, 2008 in Denver, Colorado. Father, Philip, was kidnapped during the riot at the Democratic National Convention and assumed dead. Former Governor Michael has been charged with the kidnapping of Philip Stone and conspiracy to commit crimes against the public by instigating riots, which have brought the nation to the brink of a civil war.

[hillwalker]

You have created a very interesting character - with a good story to tell if you allow him to tell it. But it is quite noticeable that he only starts to come to life towards the end of the piece.

Speaking of which - I'll admit I don't understand the connection between the story itself and that final paragraph. In fact that final paragraph reads like it belongs to a different story - admittedly about the same characters. I just don't think it's a good idea leaving the reader in the dark the way you have unless there is a huge chunk of story that has been left out, or you are going to add to this at a later date.

My one major criticism is the huge amount of detail the reader has to absorb at the start of the story - far too much because +90% of it is not relevant to the plot. Short stories rarely need as much background information - unlike novels where the writer has time to fill in lots of detail - in a short story the idea is to cut to the chase.

Your work shows flair and ability - it's just the way you handled the subject matter that lets you down. The crux of the story is how a successful, hard-working individual finds himself in such a desperate situation. And you only devote 10 lines to this - the actual plot on which the story hinges. The rest of the story - the background - is really just unnecessary filler.

I would also suggest breaking it up into shorter paragraphs with spaces between - it just makes reading on screen that bit easier.

This does have the makings of a fascinating story - and you definitely have skill. You just need to go back to the drawing board and rethink how you work with your character I think.

Good luck

H

[The Book]

This is kind of a rough sequal to my other story. I will write more of this story and will edit this one as I go and hopefully its gets clearer the further I get.

__________________________________________________ _____________

Captian Michigan's Adventures Part 1

CAPTIAN MICHIGAN– . . . Born in the 1510th year of the King; He disappeared in the 1580th year of the King. He was born to a noble family of Mulberry City on the edge of the Waltham Forest and on the shores of the Southern Ocean. His Father, Isaac was the Duke of the Forest and his mother Jessica, his consort. In the 1525th year of the King he left Mulberry City to go to explore the King’s Counties. . .
. . . When he was 24 years old, he met Catherine Grey of King’s Mill. They soon fell in love. They married in the 1538th year of the King. She also disappeared along with her husband . . .
. . . His greatest achievement was the unification of the Counties of the West. There he founded the first Senate of the West, which had 40 Senators and 420 Representatives . . .
. . . He is often regarded as the greatest leader of all time and is often compared to Julius Caesar, Napoleon I of France, Donnie Pierre of Neptune, and King Julian I . . .

*Encyclopedia Galactica

__________________________________________________ _____________

Nathan was born on August 29, 2008. This is a particularly interesting date considering it was the date that a second American Civil War started. This time the war was between the Republicans and the Democrats, instead of North and South. The war was actually a very short war, with not very much fighting. The United States was permanently split in half this time, the East into a quasi empire ruled by the former Republicans and the West into a republic.
Nathan Stone was also now fatherless. Philip was found soon into the war when Governor Michael was found and captured. All he had now was his mother Hannah.

“I’m sorry for you loss, Hannah”

“Thanks John, he’s dead and I can’t bring him back” cried Hannah.

“We gotta move on and make sure that Nathan has to never go through what his dad went through” said John Addison, who was sitting on the steps of the former Colorado capital building, which was now the capital of their new Western Republic.

“I already made sure that he will remain safe, I sent him to go live with his grandparents in Canada”

“I didn’t know they left Athens”

“You haven’t heard?” John questioned Hannah.

“Athens was torched to the ground”

“That’s horrible; I hope my folks got out! I gotta go!” John immediately got up and ran for the nearest phone. There were no longer mobile phones, since all communications satellites had been destroyed during the brief war.

Meanwhile on Highway 2, in Alberta Canada

“How’s baby Nathan doin back there?” asked Tom Stone

“He’s doin fine” Sally Stone softly said back to him.

Tom, Sally, and Nathan were on their way to Grande Prairie, Alberta were they would presumably by safe from the war which was not being fought in Canada.

“Watch Out Tom!!!!” Sally screamed at the top her lungs.

Only it was too late. They had drove crashed into another car which had drove over a roadside bomb that was put there by former CIA agents now terrorists. That evening, Nathan was found on the side of that same by another couple, only this couple had no business in Canada. In fact they had no business being on earth. No they weren’t aliens; they were in fact Homo sapiens just like you and me. These two actually lived in small town called Mulberry on a small planet forty-five light years away from Earth circling the star we know as Castor. Isaac and Jessica did not know where he came from and did not know that his parents were the most famous people on this planet, they also did not know the little child’s name, so they decided his name would be Captain, who was wearing a Biffy Clyro t-shirt, but that is completely irrelevant now isn’t it?

[hillwalker]

I'm beginning to understand the thought behind this story. An interesting concept but the plot is only as good as the way it is presented.

Which is where I have a couple of negatives -

1] that Encyclopaedia Galactica intro crams far too much information down the reader's throat right at the start of the chapter - and at this stage in the story it is irrelevant.
A lot of second-rate science-fiction stories use the device as a short-cut to avoid having to introduce their characters properly - but any discerning reader would take one look and close the book.

2] your story seems to consist of two styles -
a) dense narrative where you cram as many events and as much information into one bulky paragraph as possible - almost like a really bad newspaper report.
and
b) poor dialogue that you only use to broadcast more information into the piece. The characters are not having a conversation with each other - they are just passing more background facts indirectly to the reader. Not a clever way of making your characters seem part of the actual story.

Telling a story involves generating a scene and an atmosphere that is believeable, and creating a character that is a real person who the reader can engage with or empathise with.
In this second piece the characters are really cartoons - and all the action happens with such immediacy without any build-up of tension whatsoever, that we feel no impact or compassion. To be honest I could not care one tiny bit about whether your hero survived the car smash or not because I did not see him as a person.

I would call this a story outline rather than a story.
If you read any fiction you will appreciate how much work you need to do to inject pace and interest into the story, create characters that have personalities and catch the reader's attention.

BUT you do have the ability to write judging from your first piece - most of the second one just comes across as a little lazy and slapdash.

H

[zoolane]

Ok 1 part was readable, follow okish few bit had readed twice, 2nd part bit let down, paragraph one was like small history lesson and dialog bit to vary consider that Governor John being kipnapper and how does hell does alien get involve? Most of your story reading like tragic not sci- fic.