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Thread: Winter part 1.

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Winter part 1.

    Last edited by saltysugarplum; 04-17-2010 at 04:28 PM. Reason: didnt want it anymore.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Good start to a story, would like to see more as soon as you have it. I do have a few comments.
    1)Repetition in the first paragraph about the nurse being "pretty" maybe change one to beautiful, attractive, eye catching, head turning...well you get the idea.
    2)The discussion of the method of suicide seems far too cliched, I know that's not very constructive, but I feel as though you could almost just say "But how was I going to do it? After a quick thought as to the alternatives, I choose an overdose" or something like that.
    3)The realism of a transfer from a hospital to a mental institution without the patient knowing is a bit hard to grasp. Would be much better if you described the fight, struggle etc with Winter not wanting to go or something like that.

    Hope some of this helps. As I said, I look forward to reading more.

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