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Thread: The Lonely Jester

  1. #1
    Registered User hannah_t's Avatar
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    The Lonely Jester

    First time I've ever had the oppertunity for this; please be gentle

    I was bored one day while walking to work and so ended up composing this mostly on the walk to work, with a bit of tweaking on the way home. However, I'm having major metre issues with it; I just can't seem to get it to work. It's just a light hearted read but I would appreciate any advice

    Also, the last verse is atrocious!

    Enjoy!



    In a land far, far away,
    There lived a happy king,
    His jester told him stories, jokes,
    And sometimes he would sing.

    But one dull day the king saw
    His jester looking sad.
    The king decided to help him,
    To stop him feeling bad.

    "Mr Jester, may I ask,
    Why’s a frown on your face?"
    "Indeed you may" the jester said,
    And told his tale with haste.

    "I have no friends around me,
    No one to love me now,
    I’m all alone," he sadly cried,
    Giving the king a bow.

    "I’m lonely," said the jester,
    "I hate to be alone.
    There’s no one who understands me,
    I feel all on my own."

    So the jester went away,
    As sad as sad can be.
    "I'm going on a quest," he said
    "To find someone like me."

    He travelled far and high and wide,
    He went to distant lands,
    But still he didn't seem to find
    Someone to understand.

    "I’m different," said the jester
    "To you and you and you.
    For some strange reason I can't find
    Someone to love me too."

    On his journey, far away,
    He met a different king
    The jester didn’t tell a joke,
    He didn't laugh or sing.

    For the king had a jester,
    A young girl with a smile
    And as the jester cried and cried,
    He watched her for a while.

    The girl sang the king a song,
    Her voice was very soft,
    But her eyes were filled with sorrow,
    Sobs hidden with a cough.

    When the girl’s song was finished
    And she bowed to the king,
    The jester went to talk to her;
    A very lucky thing.

    As the jester talked to her,
    He found they were the same,
    Her happiness was make believe,
    She always hid her pain.

    "I am lonely" said the girl
    "I’ve no one to love me.
    I have no friends, not here or now,
    I'm all alone you see."

    The jester bent on one knee,
    "Please marry me" he cried.
    "We are the same, both you and I,"
    He told his future bride.

    The young girl was filled with joy,
    And shouted her answer.
    "Yes" she said "yes and yes again,"
    Then the jester kissed her.

    The jesters lived together
    Until the end of time.
    Never were they ever lonely
    Each thought their love divine.

  2. #2
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    I simply loved this poem, just the way it is. Perfect.

  3. #3
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Well, it is a bit sing-songy, one can feel you at times reaching for a rhyme and sometimes finding one that's a bit too obvious; but it has its charms and by doing a few more I believe you'll get better.

  4. #4
    WhispererMuse
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    It makes you read to the end by the cleaverness of the rhyme and it is a good tale to tell when one is lonely and waiting to find someone the same.

    enjoyed.

  5. #5
    Registered User hannah_t's Avatar
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    Thank you everyone I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    I've never written in rhyme before, so I'm aware that a lot of it is a bit cheesy! A few more drafts and it may finally get there. Thanks for the positive feedback though!

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by hannah_t View Post
    Her happiness was make believe,
    She always hid her pain.
    I really like this line. It's so true that this is too often our situation: we smile, but our happiness is make believe and no one shares our pain.

    My only suggestion would be a bit of tweaking of the words to fit the meter in places :
    ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba,
    ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM,
    ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba,
    ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM.
    Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. — Mark Twain

    We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for, I have no idea. — W.H. Auden

  7. #7
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    What a tale! simply disarming! charming and - with happy end to inspire us all! thanks - warm regards - Bar

  8. #8
    on the run lallison's Avatar
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    Cute story, very fairytale like. The beginning was interesting and nicely introduced the characters. It would be interesting to give the jester more adventures during his quest.

  9. #9
    Registered User hannah_t's Avatar
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    Thanks again everyone Will work on the rhythm as I know that's where it falls down! I like the idea of making it longer as well. Gives me a nice summer holiday project! Thanks again!
    What is a story but an extremely convincing lie?

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