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Thread: Shop Girl Indicators

  1. #1
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    Shop Girl Indicators

    Shop Girl Indicators
    By
    Steven Hunley
    Their earrings are their indicators. By observing them you can tell which ones are good in bed. Now don’t get all upset just ‘cause I said it. Just get all upset if it’s true. So get all upset. It is.
    Imagine a shop girl from Subway Sandwiches, Mc Donald’s or a checker in Vons or Food for Less. All businesses try to make them look the same like little droids. All the same like women in the Robert Palmer video Addicted to Love. All all the same-like. But girls ain’t dumb.
    They’ll show you their differences no matter what tops their bosses put on them, no matter how unfashionable the tops they shove them into. Here’s how they do it.
    When you spot a good one, you give her left hand the eye, and look for the ring. If it’s not there you gotta chance. Now’s the time to really size her up and give her the once over. If you like the package wrapping and if the candy smells good you look for the indicators. With shop girls it’s hands off! You know? But the indicators are all eyes on.
    Necklaces can’t be seen. They keep these uniform tops and shirts close on the top. They don’t want the male customers to bother their heads thinking about cleavage. So, when you come to the only custom apparel you can spot that only leaves one thing, the earrings. That’s alright if you know how to read them. Here’s how:
    If they’re ostentatious… no good. She’s needy, wants attention.
    If they’re not, then she picks out the design to please herself. That’s good. Here’s why:
    Women who want to satisfy themselves are better in bed. Attention-getting girls fall apart as soon as they’ve reached their threshold. They’ve already got about all the attention they’re going to get from you. So they don’t know what to do with themselves. Then it’s all downhill.
    The others are all uphill but at least you’ve got somewhere to go. At least you’ve got a view, a bed with a view. What could be better? A woman doing her thing is a thing to be admired. So now you know. I’ve done my job. Now you’re on your own. But really… next time… think about the earrings… and pay attention!

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    i tohught this was pretty cool overall.

    i like how it seems conversational (idk if you were doin that on purpose but it works here). i feel like this would be 1/2 a convo heard at a bar.

    "Just get all upset if it’s true. So get all upset. It is."
    ^nice.

    felt like it could have been longer, to me i just feel like it was pretty strong then fizzled out at the end. maybe work on it some more.

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    Registered User Nax's Avatar
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    I can understand the philosphy here, I personally use other indicators though.

    You could have a girl dressed head to toe in a burka or a burlap sack, I can tell you if shes into you from her eyes and her body language within about 5 seconds. People are incredibly facinating, and not nearly enough of us take the time to really observe their behavior. If you do, and ur honest with urself, then its pretty easy to figure out.

    Hair is also a pretty good indicator, specially if used in conjunction with your earing philosphy

    I can tell you if shes good in bed too, if shes a woman, and your a man, well theres not a whole lot of buttons and combinations down there on us, so unless shes missing some appendages or has a thing about oriphi, your probably in for a treat.

    And I just got serious dejavu from this post lol

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    Good material, and would be a great start to a short story about some guy who picks up a lot of shop girls, or girls in general. I also think this needed some spacing, as it's a bit bunched up. But I think it'd make a great opener to a short story. Throw in some line at the end, about a girl he saw, etc. Perhaps you saw a girl with a pair of earrings that intrigued you, and from there, you've got a story as well.

    It's nice, but unsatisfying. A lot more could be done with it.

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    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    response to responses

    That's why I come to this site. The people that take the time to respond are so damn good. I've got an idea on how to revise this, will try to do it within a week, and extend it without watering it down. Then I'll post it as a reply right here before it leaves the front page. Thank you all so much.

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    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    Ok I give up. here's the improved story

    Shop Girl Indicators
    By
    Steven Hunley
    “Their earrings are their indicators. By observing them you can tell which ones are good in bed. Now don’t get all upset just ‘cause I said it. Just get all upset if it’s true. So get all upset. It is.”
    That’s what the man said.
    We were in Lenny’s. You all know Lenny’s. It’s that neighborhood dive in San Pedro perched there on the corner across the street from Von’s. I go there not just to wet my whistle, but to ear-hustle from Steve, the man with the most game in all San Pedro. It was him wot wrote “How to Have Great Game.” Everybody knows him in the hood. He was talking to a couple of us younger ones, just cubs really, when I overheard a few choice words.
    Now the boys were paying attention. And Silvy, the girl at the bar, started paying attention too.
    “Imagine a shop girl from Subway Sandwiches, Mc Donald’s or a checker in Vons or Food for Less. All businesses try to make them look the same like little droids. All the same like women in the Robert Palmer video Addicted to Love. All all the same-like. But girls ain’t dumb.”
    “How so, Steve?”
    “They’ll show you their differences no matter what tops their bosses put on them, no matter how unfashionable the tops they shove them into. Here’s how they do it.”
    This was when Silvy started taking notes on the back of her receipt pad.
    “You gotta be careful with shop girls; they’re a cautious variety of Bird. You gotta creep up real quiet like. When you spot a good one, you give her left hand the eye, and look for the ring. If it’s not there you gotta chance. Now’s the time to really size her up and give her the once over. If you like the package wrapping and if the candy smells good you look for the indicators. With shop girls it’s hands off! You know? But the indicators, the indicators are all eyes on.”
    The boys listened intently. Instead of all eyes, they’d become all ears.
    “Necklaces can’t be seen. They keep these uniform tops and shirts close on the top. They don’t want the male customers to bother their heads thinking about cleavage. So, when you come to the only custom apparel you can spot that only leaves one thing, the earrings. That’s alright if you know how to read them. Here’s how.”
    Steve hesitated and looked at his watch. It was a quarter to five. Only two sips of his beer were left in his glass.
    “I gotta leave soon,” he said, “I’ve got somewhere to be.”
    “It’s not time yet,” said one of his friends. He was of his grad students in the subject of Women and wanted to complete his thesis on time. Maybe he was just hard up for a date.
    “Tell us the rest Oh Exulted Master.”
    “O.K.” he responded, “I will.”
    “If they’re ostentatious… no good. She’s needy, wants attention.
    If they’re not, then she picks out the design to please herself. That’s good. Here’s why:
    Women who want to satisfy themselves are better in bed. Attention-getting girls fall apart as soon as they’ve reached their threshold. They’ve already got about all the attention they’re going to get from you. So they don’t know what to do with themselves. Then it’s all downhill from there.
    The others are all uphill but at least you’ve got somewhere to go. At least you’ve got a view, a bed with a view. What could be better? A woman doing her thing is a thing to be admired. So now you know. I’ve done my job. Now you’re on your own boys. But really… next time… think about the earrings… and pay attention!”
    With this our note books were closed.
    He took the last sip of his beer and jammed out the door. Silvy put away her receipt pad and pencil. Class was obviously over.
    “Where’s the Exulted Master going?” I asked Silvy.
    “The shift at Von’s is changing,” she said, “He’s going to pick up a girl.”
    A hush drew over the crowd. We hit the window as one. You could see from across the street, him disappear from the parking lot and enter the store.
    Noses were pressed to the glass.
    “There he is!” said one.
    “He’s coming out!” said another.
    “What’s she like?” said a third, “can you see her?”
    When they saw what they saw a collective sigh fogged the glass. Drool dripped down which had to be wiped off later.
    “But,” said a fourth, who needed closure to his lesson, “Her earrings, her earrings? What about her damn earrings?”
    “My God,” said Silvy, “What’s up with that? She hasn’t got any on.”
    Last edited by Steven Hunley; 03-26-2010 at 03:50 PM. Reason: cut last line

  7. #7
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    response to responses

    This just goes to show you how good a site like this can be. If the right people respond, and they often do, it can really help with your story. I thank you all. Before I had an observation. Now I've got a story.

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    This was a great revision, as now I leave feeling satisfied. You went from a side box out of Maxim to a legitimate short story.

    I like the opening, but I would swap sentences. I would open with "Now don’t get all upset just ‘cause I said it. Just get all upset if it’s true. So get all upset. It is.” And then continue on. That sentence just draws me in, and following it up with the description of the bar keeps your interest.

    Anyway, I liked it a lot.

  9. #9
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    You get your way. and a better finish too.

  10. #10
    Registered User Nax's Avatar
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    Much better revision. Sets the scene and adds waaay more depth, like you said now its a story fo sho!

    If I were you I would probably delete this thread, or start a new one with the revised story, as your more likely to get a few more replies, alot of people will just read the first paragraph and then move on sorta thing so.

    It has ALOT of room to grow aswell, which is a good indicator that you have a great base. Might be worth playing around with more and see if you can get a bit more out of it.

    As an idea, I would love to see a sister story of this told from the opposite perspective, from the woman Steve picks up in the shops, telling her female friends how to spot and get a man, then in stumbles Steve and "works his magic" haha.

  11. #11
    Registered User Mfdoom's Avatar
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    Story was simply delightful. I enjoyed reading this to the fullest!

    It felt like I was chillin' with my homies and checkin' out chicks lol.
    There is no heaven nor hell, when humans die the place they go is nothingness

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