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[paradoxical]

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starlight over sugarcane fields,
a white crane flies across the moon,
the farmers burn their harvest
late this year, after a bad season

the smoke rises into space,
becoming one with its fiery origins.
just as all water will return
to the stream from which it came,

pure water, now frozen under snow
which will melt with the Spring sun.
the elements separate then converge,
as man returns again to Nature

the darkness of night fades away,
as form returns to formlessness.
its long struggle now over,
even the self returns to its source

[Dr. Cambridge]

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starlight over sugarcane fields,
a white crane flies across the moon,
the farmers burn their harvest
late this year, after a bad season

the smoke rises up into space,
becoming one with its fiery origins,
just as all water will return
to the stream from which it came

man returns again to Nature,
the darkness of night now turns to day,
vibrating matter turns into energy
the self now returns to Self

Self portrait in a sense...good ending to a poem that makes progress through some iconic images. Like it I do.

[Mfdoom]

man returns again to Nature,
the darkness of night now turns to day,

Favrote part! Good poem! I liekd how every thing common to us is interpreted by nature Nice poem!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Wonderful how this lucid, seemingly dispassionate series of observations turns in upon itself at the end. Bravo!

[blank|verse]

Yes, a great short poem, which I felt could have been longer. You establish a nice tone throughout and draw a suitably Wordsworthian conclusion from your musings on nature. I think if you could maintain the standard of writing, then it would benefit the poem being longer.

Personally, I found this line too scientific and clinical in the otherwise 'natural' context:

vibrating matter turns into energy

And I think some punctuation would help in the second and third stanzas; at the moment, I'm unsure about how to read the clauses. And because the tone of the poem is very thoughtful, I think it would help to smoothe out the flow for the reader.

Also, I think you could remove 'up' from this sentence, it's an expletive:

the smoke rises up into space,

And to be honest I found the end

the self now returns to Self

a bit pseudy.

Still, overall a very nice poem. Good work.

[paradoxical]

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback. I've made some changes and I think it's now a stronger poem. Dr. Cambridge and Mfdoom, I'm glad you both liked the ending, I really struggled with the last stanza.

blank|verse, thanks for pointing out the expletive 'up' in the line "the smoke rises up into space." I think you are right about the line "vibrating matter turns into energy," as well as "the self now returns to Self."

Thanks again, all of you, and if anyone would like to compare the two, I have copied the original poem below:

Return


starlight over sugarcane fields,
a white crane flies across the moon,
the farmers burn their harvest
late this year, after a bad season

the smoke rises up into space,
becoming one with its fiery origins,
just as all water will return
to the stream from which it came

man returns again to Nature,
the darkness of night now turns to day,
vibrating matter turns into energy
the self now returns to Self