The Gift

[Bar22do]

She has to walk home in the drizzle:
the cab never came. It’s her birthday.

A row of parked cars on Alkalaï,
no traffic and even the windows look dull.

Caught in a random selection,
she is thrown against a rock wall.
A knife to her belly, his hazel eyes hating her (gray),
he hisses «death» through his teeth.

An absurd list runs through her mind:
«Tonight’s party, six p.m., cheese cake, my hair a mess.»

Unable to fear or to breathe, but she breathes – carefully
retracting a gram of skin from the tip of his blade.

The moments splinter and she is just
a frantic number
flying into the fibrous rain. Dali’s watch.

Later, somehow adjusted, she is back

staring through gray dilated scars
at the town’s quiet streets, not only when it rains.

[~Sophia~]

Hi Bar! I didn't see this poem till now! I hope this is not written from personal experience but if it is, how brave of you to write about it. It read to me as though the attack left the N a little numb but grateful to be alive. I can't even imagine. Love the banal list that's running through the N's mind at such a horrific time and the refernce to Dali's watch. I think in such a stressful situation it's normal to go into "shock". Time slowing down to a crawl and every second - a lifetime. Good work!

[hack]

Bar,
Having survived violent circumstances myself, I can identify with the surreal perception of time that you describe. It is at once compacted and expanded and, years later, that dreamlike quality of the event is perhaps THE overwhelming memory.
...peace...

[Bar22do]

Sophia: I just gave my compassionate ear to this terrifying true story, but I think it was still a daring to write about it, maybe in doing so I needed to get the time straightened also for myself...
All the same, I'm grateful for your warm appreciation and for your concern!

hack: Situations of extreme danger are always felt surreal, I believe. And I'm sorry you had to experience one... thank you very much for commenting on this poem and for your heartily empathy!

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar, I really like what you've done with the edit here, it really works and communicates the experience in a palpable way. good stuff.

H

[~Sophia~]

Well I'm very relieved to read it wasn't a personal expericence though you've described it in the poem as authentically as I'm sure the real victim felt it!

[Bar22do]

Hawkman and Sophia: thanks a lot for your constructive comments and - again! - for caring.

[qimissung]

You captured the authenticity of the event so well. I love the reference to Dali's watch.

[blank|verse]

Very powerful and unsettling, Bar. And I had to check it had been written by you, it seemed so out-of-character!

I think the objective tone is what makes the poem disturbing: the list of things that 'runs through her mind' and the weirdly pedantic detail of stating her own eye-colour, like she's answering a Police investigation after the event. This line is also strange, and with references to 'skin' and 'his blade' carries sexual connotations, even if the attack wasn't rape:

carefully
retracting a gram of skin from the tip of his blade.

I also thought this image worked very well:

staring through gray dilated scars

Personally, I'm not keen on the 'Dali's watch' reference, as it seems slightly too fanciful in context (and I've heard it used before), but overall, it's horribly well achieved.

[Bar22do]

Thank you qim and blank verse for being able to appreciate this poem, somewhat difficult to take. The struggle here was to share an authentic event as cold as it happened while not betraying poetry. If I achieved it even in part, I'm glad... Thanks to you both, it means a lot to me that you devoted it some of your time.

[paperleaves]

I love the part about Dali's watch--how fantastic you are in your connection of emotions and images, Bar!
the last two lines are the most powerful in my mind. You have a unique style of writing which may seem to take away from the awe and power of your poetry (I get that a lot ) but I think in instances such as this it works immaculately in your advantage.


love
kate

[Bar22do]

Kate, YOU have a unique talent for praising - a crucial element of your natural Grace! I believe everything blossoms under your benevolent gaze! Thank you, love, Bar