Lokasenna's Poetry Thread

[Lokasenna]

To anyone who might be interested, I submitted a slightly tarted-up version of Metaphysic to a local online magazine, and lo and behold they've published it:

http://www.thebubble.org.uk/creative/metaphysic

They'll print any old rubbish these days...

[Paulclem]

To anyone who might be interested, I submitted a slightly tarted-up version of Metaphysic to a local online magazine, and lo and behold they've published it:

http://www.thebubble.org.uk/creative/metaphysic

They'll print any old rubbish these days...

That's a great poem Loka. I enjoyed it.

[mortalterror]

To anyone who might be interested, I submitted a slightly tarted-up version of Metaphysic to a local online magazine, and lo and behold they've published it:

http://www.thebubble.org.uk/creative/metaphysic

They'll print any old rubbish these days...

Very nice Lokasenna, I had no idea you were such a gifted poet.

[Lokasenna]

That's a great poem Loka. I enjoyed it.

Thanks Paul! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Very nice Lokasenna, I had no idea you were such a gifted poet.

I'm really not, but thank you anyway!

[Lokasenna]

Well, the 'History' poetry contest has finished, and the entries have been taken down - for posterity's sake, if nothing else, here's my little piece about Ol' Queen Vic...

Victoria by Starlight

The mighty queen, in silent wealth adorned,
the crowd has left, the brittle party scorned.
Her simple grief and dress of midnight silk
confound and fright the fleeting reveller's ilk,
and so her leave she takes, forgoes the ball,
to softly tread the dim and thoughtful hall.
Along the room with memories filled she goes,
the faint and trembling light her shadow throws
upon the priceless treasures of her realm,
upon a Damask rose, an Indian helm,
on bright and softly glowing Afric gold,
on rings upon the hand he used to hold.
Each artefact calls back his face to her,
the shades of times that are, of times that were;
she wore the crown for him, for him the world
she sought to rule, the flag of war unfurled.
The queen into the garden steps, unsure
and frail, below the heavens' bright allure.
She weeps at last beneath the sky, the trees:
no lands to take, the stars alone to seize.

[Hawkman]

Hi Loki. I'm glad you put this back up. I did quite enjoy it because it's fairly well realised. I did have some issues with it however, mainly because I felt that the idiom and form would have been more appropriate to a poem about Elizabeth I. the wrenched syntax gave the piece an anachronistic archaicsism. For Victoria I think you should have been channelling Kipling instead of Dan Brown

There are some inconsistencies in the narrative: in line 2 you say, "the crowd has left" but in line 5 you say: "and so her leave she takes, forgoes the ball" and I also have a problem with the "thoughtful hall". Thought filled - maybe... I think the next line should start with 'Into' rather than 'along' and "on rings upon the hand he used to hold" means that the hand is still in there! a gruesome souvenir perhaps you might try, "that graced" instead of upon, but I think you might consider revising the mention of a hand here and reserve it for the last line, where it would replace "lands". Two reasons for this, firstly it's more in keeping with the "widow" theme and secondly, it's historically inaccurate. Prince Albert died in 1861 and the empire continued to expand after this. In 1879 there was a nice little war in Zululand, and then there was Egypt and the Sudan in the 1890s.

However, as I said, I did enjoy it and I appreciated the fluidity of its execution. The poem would have been my second choice.

Live and be well - H

Edit: Sorry, I've just noticed that I've consistently misread the line about the hand as I kept reading it as "she used to hold", so it's not quite the grisly image I'd pictured - lol. However, I do still think that the reference to the hand should come in the last line and for the reason stated.

LLAP - H

[Grit]

This was by far my favorite, I voted for it. Beautiful and sad, with excellent rhythm.

The last two lines are haunting. I wanted to let whoever wrote Victoria know how much I enjoyed it. Wonderful work.

[tonywalt]

To anyone who might be interested, I submitted a slightly tarted-up version of Metaphysic to a local online magazine, and lo and behold they've published it:

http://www.thebubble.org.uk/creative/metaphysic

They'll print any old rubbish these days...

Brilliant poem, I enjoyed it. You can write both in prose and in beautifully elevated language- rare gift!

[cafolini]

I knew all along that the poem Metaphysic was very good and I said so when I read it. Wish you the best as a writer, regardless of incidental disagreements out of different circumstances. The themes of Unmade are also very-well thought out and worth working toward publishing.

[Lokasenna]

Hi Loki. I'm glad you put this back up. I did quite enjoy it because it's fairly well realised. I did have some issues with it however, mainly because I felt that the idiom and form would have been more appropriate to a poem about Elizabeth I. the wrenched syntax gave the piece an anachronistic archaicsism. For Victoria I think you should have been channelling Kipling instead of Dan Brown

There are some inconsistencies in the narrative: in line 2 you say, "the crowd has left" but in line 5 you say: "and so her leave she takes, forgoes the ball" and I also have a problem with the "thoughtful hall". Thought filled - maybe... I think the next line should start with 'Into' rather than 'along' and "on rings upon the hand he used to hold" means that the hand is still in there! a gruesome souvenir perhaps you might try, "that graced" instead of upon, but I think you might consider revising the mention of a hand here and reserve it for the last line, where it would replace "lands". Two reasons for this, firstly it's more in keeping with the "widow" theme and secondly, it's historically inaccurate. Prince Albert died in 1861 and the empire continued to expand after this. In 1879 there was a nice little war in Zululand, and then there was Egypt and the Sudan in the 1890s.

However, as I said, I did enjoy it and I appreciated the fluidity of its execution. The poem would have been my second choice.

Live and be well - H

Edit: Sorry, I've just noticed that I've consistently misread the line about the hand as I kept reading it as "she used to hold", so it's not quite the grisly image I'd pictured - lol. However, I do still think that the reference to the hand should come in the last line and for the reason stated.

LLAP - H

Oh no, not Dan Brown! Anything but him! The style of the poem was simply one of personal preference, but I have felt for a while that I wanted to write something about Victoria; I find the idea of a lonely and emotionally broken old woman at the centre of a vast empire quite a powerful idea.

As for my habitual archaism... mea culpa, I will try to reign in my worst excesses!

The phrase 'the crowd has left' is actually agree grammatically with 'the mighty queen' of the first line, which is supposed to be the subject - so it is she who has left the crowd, not the crowd who has left her. I do, however, understand how such a mistake could be made - and yet whilst I could rewrite it as 'has left the crowd' I'm not sure that flows quite as well.

The use of the word 'thoughtful' was intended to be a sort of dual meaning: the hall is quiet and medative compared to the ballroom (hence 'thoughtful'), but also plays on the sound of the word suggesting that it is thought-full, filled with memories and ideas. I wanted to use the word 'along' to heighten the sense of progression - the hall is transformative space between the ballroom and the garden, with Victoria reducing in stature as she moves along it and is assailed by memories that are both desired and intolerable.

Yes, I know the Empire continued to expand after Albert - I was trying to convey the sense that her imperial ambitions have become part of her coping mechanism. I wanted Victoria to have her Alexander moment, he who weeped when there were no more worlds to conquer - this is Victoria facing up to the impossiblity of obtaining the only thing she truly wants, now that only the impossible stars are left for conquest.

Thank you, though, for the feedback - I really do appreciate it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem (your quibbles aside!).

This was by far my favorite, I voted for it. Beautiful and sad, with excellent rhythm.

The last two lines are haunting. I wanted to let whoever wrote Victoria know how much I enjoyed it. Wonderful work.

Thank you very much - that's a very kind thing to say. I'm particularly pleased you liked the rhythm - as regular readers of my work will know, it has not always been my strong point! I'm very happy that you found it so affecting.

Brilliant poem, I enjoyed it. You can write both in prose and in beautifully elevated language- rare gift!

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it - I was utterly delighted when it got published. I'm not sure it's a rare gift, but it was one of the few pieces I've ever written that I've been fairly satisfied with.

I knew all along that the poem Metaphysic was very good and I said so when I read it. Wish you the best as a writer, regardless of incidental disagreements out of different circumstances. The themes of Unmade are also very-well thought out and worth working toward publishing.

Spoken like a gentleman - my thanks for your friendly and eloquent words. I think a bit of bickering and backbiting is inevitable on the forum, but don't take it personally - we're all friends here!

[Hawkman]

I think you're missing the point of my comment about the crowd etc. Although the wrenching of syntax does confuse meaning between whether the queen has left the crowd or vice versa, whichever it is, it is reported in the past tense, whereas the subsequent line about takes her leave is in the present. Therefore the inconsistency within the narrative means that she's taking her leave either after she left or after the crowd has left! However, as the opening lines are written, it is, 'the crowd' who have left the queen. The crowd forms the subject of the clause.

I was aware of you intension with regard to the thoughtful hall, but it reads as a pathetic fallacy of dubious merit, which is why I flagged it. The reason I flagged along is because it doesn't sit well with the room. People aren't generally referred to walking along a room, so it jars, although along or down the hall is ok. However, the sense of progression from hall to garden is still maintained without incongruity by replacing along with into, or even inside if you prefer. I agree that that the subject is a worthy one, but by inappropriately adhering to a style with wrenched syntax (unless for comic effect or parody) you weaken the emotional impact of the piece. Lastly I would take issue with your premise that she actively instigated wars of conquest. Queen Victoria was not an absolute monarch, and nearly all the wars the empire became embroiled in were the result of the ambitions of individuals like Sir Henry Bartle Frere, who, inadequately supervised, operated beyond their actual authority and in the case of the Zulu War brought down the government. Victoria didn't have anything to do with it. The empire was really an idea of government, for which the queen was merely a figurehead. Consequently, likening her to Alexander, weeping for no more worlds to conquer, is doubly misleading. Concentrating on her widowhood and isolation would be the better course. I take it you are familiar with Kipling's "The Widow at Windsor", which addressed the issue of conquest rather well.

I'm afraid I mentioned Dan Brown because of the stylistic similarity to his riddle verse beneath the rose on the box to the cryptex.

Live and be well - H

[hannah_arendt]

You are from Lothlorien, aren't you? This was enchanting. The repetition and variation in the second line of each stanza worked very well. The meter was perfect.

I loved the effect of the joined couplets in the last stanza.

Very enjoyable and well written!

In the third line from the bottom, should it be "...in deep earth resides?"

i would say very well written. Lokasenna must come from Lothlorien

[hannah_arendt]

To anyone who might be interested, I submitted a slightly tarted-up version of Metaphysic to a local online magazine, and lo and behold they've published it:

http://www.thebubble.org.uk/creative/metaphysic

They'll print any old rubbish these days...

I`ve just recommended it via facebook.

[Lokasenna]

I think you're missing the point of my comment about the crowd etc. Although the wrenching of syntax does confuse meaning between whether the queen has left the crowd or vice versa, whichever it is, it is reported in the past tense, whereas the subsequent line about takes her leave is in the present. Therefore the inconsistency within the narrative means that she's taking her leave either after she left or after the crowd has left! However, as the opening lines are written, it is, 'the crowd' who have left the queen. The crowd forms the subject of the clause.

Ah, I see - I understand now what you mean. I may try to work those first two lines into the correct tense, if I am able.

I was aware of you intension with regard to the thoughtful hall, but it reads as a pathetic fallacy of dubious merit, which is why I flagged it. The reason I flagged along is because it doesn't sit well with the room. People aren't generally referred to walking along a room, so it jars, although along or down the hall is ok. However, the sense of progression from hall to garden is still maintained without incongruity by replacing along with into, or even inside if you prefer. I agree that that the subject is a worthy one, but by inappropriately adhering to a style with wrenched syntax (unless for comic effect or parody) you weaken the emotional impact of the piece.

Fair enough, I take the point - though I'm not sure I entirely agree with you on this one.

Lastly I would take issue with your premise that she actively instigated wars of conquest. Queen Victoria was not an absolute monarch, and nearly all the wars the empire became embroiled in were the result of the ambitions of individuals like Sir Henry Bartle Frere, who, inadequately supervised, operated beyond their actual authority and in the case of the Zulu War brought down the government. Victoria didn't have anything to do with it. The empire was really an idea of government, for which the queen was merely a figurehead. Consequently, likening her to Alexander, weeping for no more worlds to conquer, is doubly misleading. Concentrating on her widowhood and isolation would be the better course. I take it you are familiar with Kipling's "The Widow at Windsor", which addressed the issue of conquest rather well.

True, though it was not my intention to portray Victoria with sober historical accuracy - a bit of artistic license being taken to make her into a more romantic figure, something which even artists of her day were doing. I'm not familiar with that Kipling poem, but I'll go and look it up - thanks for the tip!

I`ve just recommended it via facebook.

Thanks Hannah! I'm glad you like my poetry.

[Lokasenna]

I know I've not really been a presence on LitNet for a little while now. Life is just insanely busy these days, but I hope very soon to have more free time - and hopefully spend more time on here! I always end up logging on, seeing lots of interesting posts, but feeling like I don't have time to reply to them.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a little song I wrote the other day. It is, sadly, designed for an accent I do not have, and cannot imitate. I had intended it as a sort of blues/jazz style piece, in the manner of something Nina Simone or Billie Holiday might sing.

Apple a Day

Way back when in Eden,
God made an apple tree.
Said to Eve an' Adam:
"Don't touch it, let it be."

Eve went kinda crazy,
talkin' to Mister Snake:
"Woman, eat that apple,
it ain't no crime to take."

Evie ate the apple,
with evil got to grips.
Then knew herself and found
the fire between her hips.

Adam came a-lookin',
she gave him that sweet fruit.
He saw she were right fair
and wearin' birthday suit.

The Lord, He walked abroad,
lookin' for His chillun'.
Found 'em actin' scand'lous,
not as He was willin'.

Man He set to workin',
woman to givin' birth,
then poor ol' Mister Snake,
He ground into the earth.

And now we pass our days,
makin' love and workin',
and our old snakey friend,
he gone back to lurkin'.

We grow them apples now,
grow under every sky,
we take our daily fill,
we bake 'em into pie.

Keep the apples comin',
keep lovin' while you may.
Take joy in bein' free,
keep mean ol' God away.