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Thread: 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

  1. #1
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    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 83

    Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
    She lays eggs for gentlemen
    Well actually well all said and done
    She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 84

    There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
    I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
    Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85

    Star light star bright,
    The first star I see tonight,
    I wish I may, I wish I might,
    Get my hands in Glenda’s tights

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 86

    There was a little guinea-pig,
    Who, being little, was not big;
    But from its head down to its feet
    It was extremely good to eat

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 87

    The lion and the unicorn
    Were fighting for the crown
    The lion beat the unicorn
    All around the town
    The vicious ambitious lion
    Beat the poor unicorn so cute
    But with one final effort
    The unicorn killed the great hairy brute

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88

    Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
    Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
    When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
    It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 89

    There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
    She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
    Sadly this case is not an exception
    If only her daughters had used contraception

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 90

    The Sandman's coming
    In his train of cars
    Think! Tiredness kills
    Stop at the next services

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91

    What are little boys made of?
    Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
    That's what little boys are made of!"

    What are big boys made of?
    Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
    That's what big boys are made of!"

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92

    Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
    Went outside with no trousers on
    Both shoes off and no pants on
    Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93

    Seesaw Margery Daw
    Johnny shall have a new master
    He shall earn but a penny a day
    Because his employer is a bastard

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94

    Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
    Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
    Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,
    Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95

    What are little girls made of?
    "Sugar and spice and all things nice
    That's what little girls are made of!"

    What are big girls made of?
    "Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
    That's what big girls are made of!"

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96

    Mary had a little lamb
    Its fleece was black as night
    And in the winter snow
    It stood out against the white

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97

    One two buckle my shoe
    Three, four, Velcro you wore
    Five, six, slip-ons you pick
    Seven, eight, lace them up straight
    Nine, ten, slip-ons again
    Eleven, twelve, dig and delve
    Thirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98

    One two buckle my shoe
    Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
    Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99

    Lizzie Borden took an axe,
    And gave her mother forty whacks,
    And her defence in court would be
    She was suffering from PMT

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100

    Lizzie Borden took an axe,
    And gave her mother forty whacks,
    When she saw what she had done,
    She gave the ***** another one

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101

    Ride a **** horse to Banbury Cross
    To see a fine lady upon a white horse
    With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
    If you give her ten pounds then anything goes

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102

    Mary had a little secret
    She was a bit of a lush
    She was not white as snow
    But pure as the driven slush

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103

    Mary had a little lamb
    She also had a horse
    She never ate her ride
    But ate the lamb of course

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104

    Mary had a little lamb
    It died but she wasn’t sad
    She did love her little lamb
    But she really loved kebabs

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105

    Mary had a little skirt
    It was way above knees
    And when she sat down
    You could see her fleece

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106

    Mary was a little tart
    Who really put it about
    Young men flocked to her
    And none of them went without

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107

    Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,
    When the wind blows the cradle will rock;
    When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,
    And down will come baby, cradle and all.
    But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108

    The North wind doth blow and we shall have snow
    Pavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
    Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
    While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109

    This is the house that Jack built!
    This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.
    This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
    That was on the house that Jack built.

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110

    Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sell
    If I won the lottery how I would yell
    If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
    That I could taste and touch and smell
    I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111

    The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;
    The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.
    Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
    And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112

    It's raining; it's pouring.
    The old man is snoring.
    We should have changed but instead,
    We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113

    Jack and Jill went into town
    To have a drink with each other
    They both fell down
    Outside the crown
    And then threw up in the gutter

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114

    Higgledy Piggledy,
    My fat hen,
    She lays eggs
    Full of Collagen
    Good for women,
    And good for men,
    Higgledy Piggledy,
    My fat hen!

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115

    Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,
    The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;
    As a mark of dishonour to shame them
    But they carry on as before these banking men

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116

    Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
    Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.
    He does it for attention so everyone can see
    Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117

    “Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
    "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said.
    "May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
    "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118

    When good King Arthur ruled this land,
    He was a goodly king;
    But Lancelot did shag the Queen
    and that was not the thing
    So he killed the queen but spared lance
    As he was still loyal to his king

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119

    Mary had a little lamb
    She also had a horse
    She could never eat her ride
    But lamb with mint sauce?

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120

    There was a little girl,
    Who had a little curl,
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    No one was to tease
    That everyone agreed
    As she was the daughter of Herman Munster

    21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001

    Ride a **** horse to old Kings Cross
    To find a lady of the night of course
    With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
    And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s

    21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002

    Ride a **** horse to old Kings Cross
    To find a lady of the night of course
    Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
    And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose

    21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003

    Mary was a little flirt
    With big seductive eyes
    And many a lucky lad
    Had been between her thighs
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  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    ha ha ha!. I enjoyed all of those neo-nursery rhymes! You have wonderful, biting wit. i won't think about wee willy winkie in quite the same again!
    Success is not forever and failure is not fatal

  3. #3
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    I really enjoyed all of these, each one being more delightful than the next. What an extraordinary display of wit and charm.

  4. #4
    BadWoolf JuniperWoolf's Avatar
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    Haha, I loved them.
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    "Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun. So once when I was six, I did. At first the brightness was overwhelming, but I had seen that before. I kept looking, forcing myself not to blink, and then the brightness began to dissolve. My pupils shrunk to pinholes and everything came into focus and for a moment I understood. The doctors didn't know if my eyes would ever heal."
    -Pi


  5. #5
    Metamorphosing Pensive's Avatar
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    Very creative!
    I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew.

  6. #6
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Creative, funny, absurd and great! I loved many of them but

    # 112

    It's raining; it's pouring.
    The old man is snoring.
    We should have changed but instead,
    We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning"

    got my very special attention!

    Hopefully - we'll read more soon! Thank you Biggus!

  7. #7
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    Thank you all very much
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  8. #8
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    Special thanks to Myshkin
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  9. #9
    Recently i tried my hand of writing a modern nursery ryhme song for my daughter, twisted with a little bit of row row row your boat, its from the heart and i would like to assume that it might be appreciated more here on this forum, you can listen to it for free here, www.redlakemusic.com or watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbuHG7cUIdo

    Thanks guys

  10. #10
    Enjoy so much,so imaginative and creative!Feel comfortable and delightful with the rhymes~

  11. #11
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    Thanks Kingbob
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  12. #12
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    My faves are #103, #109, #111, and #116. Most of these were pretty funny, though I don't know how some of 'em got past the censor! The one about snow removal --i#108-- could've been inspired by the Highway Dept in East Hogwash, my home town. And #102 is a variation on an old line by the immortal Mae West: "I was pure as the driven snow, until I drifted."

    Here's a few, just for you. If you can't use 'em, send 'em to some poor family. (That's a Dorothy Parker line.)

    Mary had a little lamb
    but home they both did go,
    forced to leave the hospital bed
    by the cheapskate HMO.

    Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall
    and felt compensation was due
    from all the king's horses and all the king's men
    and anyone else he could sue.

    Little Jack Horner
    sat in a corner
    trying to figure out pi.
    The school is to blame,
    since he can't write his name
    and can't tell his arse from his eye.
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 03-22-2012 at 02:42 PM.

  13. #13
    Mary had a little lamb
    She also had a horse
    She could never eat her ride
    But lamb with mint sauce?
    Indeed.

    Reminds me of Light Thinker and Psychology Review!
    Last edited by radiantsar; 04-20-2012 at 01:18 PM.

  14. #14
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    My favorites were the one about the tasty guinea pig (#86) and the one about Lizzie Borden (#100). I assume Lizzie was a real person, but I am unfamiliar with the actual events.

  15. #15
    Book Novice Thomas Novosel's Avatar
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    hahahaha that was hilarious...good job,... i actually sat in my chair and read them out loud to myself... xD
    "Bleak times beckon dark decisions..." -Thomas Novosel 3/24/2012

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