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Thread: Tampered Antagonist - A Poem In The Offing

  1. #1

    Tampered Antagonist - A Poem In The Offing

    Tampered Antagonist

    The sequestered remains of a lifetime and its tested spirit
    Pander to the swollen minutes of his obedient posture
    The forgotten eve of an hour and its home of remembrance
    Surrender to the impatient misgivings of open hearted antagonism
    As the jilted pockets of narrow eyed restrain convene to dull and strengthen
    The impartial will of a mindful neighbour and his father's deceased



    This is only a rough composition feedback appreciated
    Last edited by flagshipstellar; 01-16-2010 at 06:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    There's a lot to chew on in this, but surely
    Quote Originally Posted by flagshipstellar View Post
    Tampered Antagonist

    As the jilted pockets of narrow eyed restrain ought to be "restraint"convene to dull and strengthen
    The impartial will of a mindful neighbour and his father's deceased And this reads like a sentence fragment: "his father's deceased" what?


  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin View Post
    There's a lot to chew on in this, but surely
    I only put it together roughly this morning

    Thanks for the feedback

  4. #4
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    Yeah, there is 'a lot to chew on' - and it's rather like chewing on thick, black treacle, I'm afraid. A lot of it leaves me straining to understand what's going on.

    If you want my honest opinion, I'd say: put the thesaurus away and concentrate on communicating clearly. Sometimes, a lot of elaborate language is merely masking the fact that there's nothing being said in the poem, and it's all just posturing. You need to be careful of this. You clearly have a wide vocabularly and a love of language, but also a predilection for verbosity, if you will, which gets in the way of the poetry.

    You've certainly got your own style and voice though, so concentrate on those but try and let some light in as well. I also thought the long lines read more like prose than poetry - maybe it would be better developed as a short story?

    I hope this doesn't sound too harsh as this is only your first post, but I think there's something there in your writing, if you work on it.

  5. #5
    I can see the point that you are making and your feedback is helpful.This kind of stuff just seems to flow out of me when the mood suits.

  6. #6
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    I actually disagree with blnk vrz here because I don't see this as verbose or particularly laden with thesaurus chosen words but rather I think this reads more like surrealism or stream of conscious poetry. The lines seem to lack a context or a tie to any kind of order, repetition, clear themes, or even syntactic or semantic sense. It seems as if each line carries its own little aesthetic that arises from a combination of the words but not from how they form any definite meaning through their combination. This is kinda like Joycean poetry without the complex and punning wordplay.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

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    This really looks like six haiku poems. And is as gracious as haiku itself.
    ...........
    “All" human beings "by nature desire to know.” ― Aristotle
    “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

  8. #8
    This poem deals with death and what surrounds it.

    Anticipation,Visualisation,Regret,Insignificance,I ndifference,Remembrance,Sorrow etc.

    I take offence to the suggestion that I would use a THESAURUS to write poetry.I believe that what flows from the heart and mind should be perfected and honed internally not with the aid of a book full of words.

    Haiku poetry I am not familiar with it.Is it of Asian origin ?.

  9. #9
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Good attempt.

    The last line begs for more words IMHO:
    "The impartial will of a mindful neighbour and his father's deceased" ¿wife?; otherwise it works well if you wish to leave the reader hanging.

    I take offence to the suggestion that I would use a THESAURUS to write poetry.I believe that what flows from the heart and mind should be perfected and honed internally not with the aid of a book full of words.
    lol. Please do not be offended when I say if I were one to take offense, which I do not, I would take offense to the notion that if one uses a thesaurus one is not writing from the heart. Some words work, some do not; some work better than others.

    Haiku poetry I am not familiar with it.Is it of Asian origin ?.
    I'll bite, yes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haiku
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
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    7-8-2015

  10. #10
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    i like your poem. i impact my readers better, by using a thesaurus to open new possibilities of describing the ideas that i would like to share. a thesaurus is valuable to all of the poetry i write.
    "I believe that what flows from the heart and mind should be perfected and honed internally".
    i agree we should passionately speak from our heart, but i have never seen really good art, that was created without the aid of first studying the tools by which it's portrayed; being, in this case, words and their syntax.
    Last edited by cogs; 01-25-2010 at 08:38 PM.

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