I'm a beginner so I really need your honest opinion on my poem!
Be honest and unmerciful!
Life - in a Round, Womanly Glass
Half a glass of clear, red wine
its pacific surface mirrors millions of different things
from each angle one dares to try.
So dare on, my friend
but take care
you might just see
the half-full glass...empty.
So start some waves
drink up
if so, more wondrous things will be revealed!
P.S.: Further on I've posted some new poems...so read on!
Last edited by JackieGinger; 01-19-2010 at 06:52 AM.
The only critique I might make is that this read like a wonderful wind-up to what turned out to be a short, somewhat enigmatic poem, somewhat as if you cleared your throat then decided not to speak after all. But that clearing of your throat had confidence in it, and a beautiful command of where to break your lines.
I think that having multiple meanings is real poetry, so thank you, I'll take it as a compliment!Can I? Do you feel it to be incomplete? Or the sort, think you got what I mean.
You may indeed take my response as a compliment. If you look at some of my own poems you might find that some of them feel incomplete or enigmatic. I prefer to omit as much as I can that might be explanatory or insistent, and once wroteOriginally Posted by JackieGinger
I think that having multiple meanings is real poetry, so thank you, I'll take it as a compliment!
After the poem
comes the verbiage,
the slow leaking away
of inspiration,
the plea, as ever,
unanswered,
incomplete.
hum...I had to check what verbiage means, my English is not that good. It needs much of improving, that is one of the reasons I have joined the forum
I agree with you, I just love poems that are concise and mysterious. Um, where can I take a look at Your poems? (Sorry, new around here)
Found one!
http://www.online-literature.com/for...archid=1220505hum...I had to check what verbiage means, my English is not that good. It needs much of improving, that is one of the reasons I have joined the forum
I agree with you, I just love poems that are concise and mysterious. Um, where can I take a look at Your poems? (Sorry, new around here
JG- Have confidence and post the poem. There are many people who will give you good advice and many people who will tell you they like it. But it is up to you to decide how to edit your poem, since you wrote it.
Thanks Jersea! I wish you had told me your opinion! But maybe in the future!
Oh, and people you MAY bring suggestions and ideas! I would be most glad to read them!
JackieGinger, I'll start out by giving you a really general statement (it may be the most general statement one can make about a poem--but what the heck, I'm going to say it anyway): I really like your poem. There, I said it. With that said, let me say this: The images in your poem are so clear and distinct and succinct--it's like I could actually see the glass, you know, and I could picture the wine in it. I don't think there is anything that needs to be added or deleted in this poem. It is fine just the way it is. Don't add a word to it or take one out.
I was in fact curious whether the poem is good meaning that umm, can you see that it comes from a person that read far less than she should, so (I don't really know how could I explain this) when you read it aren't you thinking that this is good, say for a pupil from elementary school...? Do you get what I mean?
Think of it this way, JackieG. If your poem was not a little masterpiece in and of itself, you would hardly have the amazing number of hits you are currently enjoying. The poem easily stands on its own and that is true poetry! Encore! Encore!
Some of us laugh
Some of us cry
Some of us smoke
Some of us lie
But it's all just the way
that we cope with our lives...
Thanks a lot, Pendragon!
I have a new poem, but I'm not sure I'll post it, I'm not sure it's worth being posted.
Aaa, but who knows, maybe I'll convince myself....
I insist that you post it !
Alright then...
But consider that it is not as good...and that I am a beginner and also it was written in the solitary moment of utter despair!
Do I?
I don't deserve the music
nor a full-time lover.
I don't deserve the beauty
which derives from harmony.
I don't deserve to know
what real devotion means.
I don't deserve to see
the music in the colors.
I don't deserve to discern
the sparkle of the eye.
I don't deserve to feel the thrills
in the depth of a heartfelt
black and green...
...and the reason just now have I realized:
the rule is that the fittest survives
the fittest being the oldest
and that, which awakens the more pity
in the shammer called heart!
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