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Thread: A short horror story

  1. #1
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    A short horror story

    Hello everybody. I'm new here and would like to put up my first post
    This is a story I wrote just off the top of my head. So it isn't that great haha


    Edward Pilgin was a man of eccentricities. As a fellow scholar of Squier University, we would usually relay our newly-found information to each other. Though where my skill and interest lay mostly in the English arts, his were of a more sinister background. And now and then he would confide with me strange and bizarre artifacts found near the many backwood cemeteries and century-old mansions of the surrounding area.
    Surely, one would find repulsion in these things. Hideous leather-bound books of ancient knowledge and rituals, oddly shaped stones of undescribable shape, these were the kinds of things that Edward would insist on showing me. Though where I found horror and disgust in the terrible monstrositys, he seemed to exhibit an odd fascination, a look upon his eyes of both longing and something else. And it was that same look that was upon his face as he showed me that fearful, loathesome book.
    'Danse Macabre' was the name of that ancient thing. And in it were words all too obscure to find any literal meaning as it contained strange poems and riddles that befuddled even my well-tuned eye for fanciful writings. Though one need not know the exact meaning to see that the overall theme was of evil and decadance.
    As I would sit, writing, Edward would throw at me just newly translated texts from that ancient book.
    "Behind the mask/ contrast of light-dark"
    "Follower of identity knownth"
    To such things I would just sit, puzzled. Looking back, any interpretation may have been given to such ambigious sentances, though my mind would always point to sinister messages being given. Then Ed informed me of a passage that immediatally gave an impression of veiled horror.

    "Moonless undisturbed. It stalks abroad. Awakened and with host to guide"

    Soon afterwards, Edward began showing signs of extremely odd behaviour. And I noticed that he winced whenever curtains were drawn further. To his ever-expanding favour of seclusion, one may attribute to his eccentric personality. Though no one can't explain his now-preferred nocturnal ventures into the backwood cemetary where he found the Danse Macabre. And it was on a particularlly moonless night when Edward asked me to accompany him on his journey into the decayed lot. The night is easily remembered by the horror that was to be the outcome.

    Of how exactly Edward Pilgin came across such a site, I am not sure. Though I'm thankful to be spared the details. Near Squier to the west there's a dark patch of forrested land, whos dense trees provide an exceptional cover for countless unspeakable horrors and secrets. After nearly 30 minutes of walking through this ever-thickening path of trees, one found that it seemed to clear in almost too sudden of a way to be natural. With each step came some unknown fear. As though someone or thing stood just beyond, waiting. Soon we were looking upon rows and rows of old tombstones, damp and ancient. Of it's age, i could give no clue, as the many names of the departed were all too time-eaten to find coherant. Some even looked as though they were not decayed, but scratched out beyond recognition.
    Edward started his oil lamp and the sudden circular glare from his glasses startled me, as his expression, of which I can't quite explain, but was of great menace and loathesome quality. At that moment I regretted ever following him into this accursed place. And he spoke with an uneasy calmness that seemed to raise even more fear into me.
    "This place, I've come across it while exploring this fascinating area. Ruins can be sought out for artifacts and antiques of noteworthy imformation. But this place..."
    He continued on to where the cemetary rose slightly uphill, and I soon spotted where our destination lie. As I gazed at it, the appearance alone was enough for me to have to supress a gasp of shock.
    The shear look of the thing was a horror onto itself. A large tomb of, though its age, pure white stone which stood high and obnoxious, with a doorway that was arched in such a groatesque fasion, as though its sole purpose was to instill fear upon the looker. Beside it stood two 10 foot high statues of hooded figures that were barely standing in their incredible age. Their faces, though one could barely make them out, were of a hidious expression, and my mind immediatly thought of the expression that Edward Pilgin constantly displayed. Why I follwed him into the crypt, I do not know. My curiousity and scholarly thirst for knowledge seemed to overshadow that lurking fear. Even blotting out the sensation that some unspeakable horror lie waiting just beyond.

    Inside was a pungent odour of decades, maybe even centuries, of neglect and old growth, and cobwebs seemed to entangle you in their twisted design, only lending to the fear. I asked Ed why he would need me in such a place, yet he said nothing and continued onward. I soon saw that just ahead was a staircase to a lower floor, and I witnessed Edward make the fearful flight down. I soon followed feeling that to want to stay in such a place alone was beyond questioning, and I'm glad the descent was a mere 12 feet. Though being at the bottom brought, if possible, an even greater sense of uncertainty and dread. Ahead was an insanely arched hallway that stretched 50 feet across, upon which led to a room that seemed to house some statue that was difficult to discern in the darkness.
    Edward was nearly halfway into the room with his oil lamp, and I quickly followed. As he entered it I was maybe 30 feet away. He then stopped suddenly and gave an odd jerk as though responding to some unknown horror. I remember those fearsome, panick-ridden words that he spoke to me as he looked down into an unknown source.
    "Dear god. Such unholy monstrosity! What have I led us to?" Then he turned to me and I saw undescribable horror across his face.
    "Run! Get out of here, please! It's almost here! My god if I only knew. GET OUT OF HERE NOW!"
    But fear seemed to cement me to the ground. And I witnessed Edward's stricken figure falter to his knees, grabbing his hair in insanity and mania. looking closer, I saw that he stood before a wide gaping mouth of darkness in the center of that aweful room. What he saw down there I do not know, and I'm glad I was spared the unutterable sight.
    Finally, I was able to move. The fear holding me had somewhat lessoned and I was able to make my escape. As I reached the staircase though, I turned to look back for a quick moment. The image that I looked upon seems too much for words. And even alluding to it calls up an unbearable fear. As I caught that last glimpse back, consciousness, it seems, had failed soon after; for the only image I can recall is of a tall, hooded horror standing over the kneeled Edward Pilgin. Descending upon his figure for some unknown purpose. And I can barely remember that frantic journey through the dense forrest and into Squier University.
    Though what of Eward? Was he at least spared the existence one must suffer after witnessing such a thing? I stood in my heavily-lit room and racked my brain for what became of him and, hours later, it was an absolute need for sleep which finally allowed me to do so. Though not without the nightmarish image of that figure standing before Edward Pilgin, and the hopeless look of anguish across Edwards face.

    Kind of more style than substance, but I guess it kinda works?

  2. #2
    Registered User glover7's Avatar
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    Just off the top of my head, I can tell you that you use an adverbial modifier practically every five words. It really weakens what you're trying to say when people are tripping over these things. Just as evidence, I recall seeing "insanely arched" (what does that even mean?), "quickly," and "nearly." All of these could be replaced by more unique and descriptive terms.

    I can tell that you're going for a bit of a Poe/Lovecraft sort of idea. Try reading those two if you haven't so that you'll know what's new and interesting and what's already been done.

    As for your dialogue...it's not realistic. Your character goes from screaming about an abominable monstrosity to, "Go! Run! Save yourself! I'm an action hero!" While I understand that you want to have your audience know that there's something horrible down there, stick with one or the other, but don't have them back to back and clashing with each other. For a transition from academic lucidity to abject fear would be fine, but again, just space it out a bit.

    Hope I've helped.

  3. #3
    Lunacy becomes me loki456's Avatar
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    mmmm.......
    alright, the biggest downfall with this work is there is no atmosphere to it. The statment 'unspeakable horrors' has no power unless backed up with a sense of eeriness. What may be a horror to you or me, may very well be a simple pang to someone elses conscience.
    it did as glover point out have that lovecraftian style (i guess) to it, but being a huge reader of lovecrafts work myself it just didn't pack the punch.
    ok, so that i'm not just criticising, let me offer up some advice. in horror, more description of surroundings is better, night is always better than day for the macabre and don't just say 'night', it's fruitless. Always describe how the moon looks, or what about that scene in your mind is actually giving you that frightful feeling. Horror writing is not a simple genre, you have to see, feel, you literally have to be the character (that's why a lot of lovecraft is written in the first person).
    just so you can get a feel for style a bit more, I suggest that you have a read of 'the doom that came to sarnath' or if you want something that will seriously take you only 2 minutes to read, 'Nyalathotep'. Even though these are not a part of the 'cthulhu mythos', but rather lovecrafts 'dream cycle', they offer a great sense of atmosphere.
    also, one last thing i noticed, when you write a translation, write the actual words out (ie make up a language, use an already existing dialect and change it around a bit) and then give the translation to it, doesn't always work, but when it does it pricks the readers imagination, makes them ask questions of who said this? what did they look like? where and when did they write this? and if the translation is hideous or weird, it changes the readers perspective on the story.

    hope i've helped.

  4. #4
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    Your feedback is more than welcome. Though I believe you both missed the first point I made; This story was just something I took off the top of my head.
    I had no notions as to where the plot was going. Nor of the many details I either missed or just completely ****ed up altogether. I wrote every word without knowing what the next one would be. Though I did make sure to check that those two words made sense with each other so that I wasn't typing 'School' with 'Hobby' you know what I mean? That's TOO off the top of my head. To a point where I'm nearly headless!
    Glove, you're right. I don't even remember writing 'Insanely Arched' haha but that was pretty funny. And so we're both not confused, Edward was the man looking down the hole telling the narrator to flee. I guess I thought what the narrator didn't see lent more to the imagination and horror? Very 'Statement of Randolph Carter'
    I'm an avid Lovecraft reader. I've read from 'Call of Cthulhu' to 'The Thing on the Doorstep (a bit of a weak story, in my opinion) And let us not forget that a common criticism of Lovecraft's work is that he overly used 'adverbial modifiers'. Though I don't mind at all.
    As I mentioned before, this story is more 'Statement...' than anything, I guess. Which is odd that I didn't notice until well after it was finished.

    But your opinions are well taken, and I agree with your criticisms. I told you it wouldn't be that great haha

    I only wish for it to be read less as a polished final piece, and more as just a fun little story influenced by my favorite writer, HP

    -Grandpa
    Last edited by Strange Aeons; 12-04-2009 at 07:29 AM.

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    Overlord of Cupcak3s 1n50mn14's Avatar
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    ^^ Why would you bother posting something that you had put no work into, and expect feedback? A lot of people spend hours writing a short story to post here, and then go out, review fifteen other people's stories, and get honest feedback on their PROJECT, on their baby. It's not worth my time to critique something that you obviously don't care about. Sorry.
    Naked except for a cigarette, you let your mind drift and forget your disbelief. Feel the chill down your back and the flutter of wings through dandelion fields, and forget the pull of gravity in a night without stars.

    I lack eloquence and commitment to my arguments. They are half baked, and I will begin passionately, and then abandon them.

  6. #6
    Registered User glover7's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BeccaT View Post
    ^^ Why would you bother posting something that you had put no work into, and expect feedback? A lot of people spend hours writing a short story to post here, and then go out, review fifteen other people's stories, and get honest feedback on their PROJECT, on their baby. It's not worth my time to critique something that you obviously don't care about. Sorry.
    Concur'd.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BeccaT View Post
    ^^ Why would you bother posting something that you had put no work into, and expect feedback? A lot of people spend hours writing a short story to post here, and then go out, review fifteen other people's stories, and get honest feedback on their PROJECT, on their baby. It's not worth my time to critique something that you obviously don't care about. Sorry.
    Maybe I figured that a vast number of reader's lives aren't based around an over-seriousness of harmless art? Surely we're here to present whatever we wish without having to conform to severely strict guidelines and rules? And it is for that reason that I chose to post this little collection of noodled-together words and sentances. Haha. Seriously guys, it's just a story.

    Also, I sincerely accept your apology. After all, it was not a wish nor a statement of mine that said you must review my work. I merely said that your feedback is more than welcome after a couple of people had already voluntarily given their opinion.

    -Grandpa
    Last edited by Strange Aeons; 12-06-2009 at 12:02 AM.

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    Lunacy becomes me loki456's Avatar
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    I do understand where you are coming from, and it was our choice to read and make a review. but look at it like this, it shows more about your attitude to the art than simply the art of writing itself.
    when someone with a passion wants something reviewed, they make sure it's up to scratch.
    and yeah it is 'just a story', but more than that, it shows me your regard for this community. if your willing to show us a piece of half assed dribble that you threw together in a few minutes, without making an effort to make it the best you could, what does that say about what you think about us. are we just some dumb hicks to you, who don't know what we are talking about?
    hell, maybe you do think that. But i guess that's beside the point, there is an etiquet. i don't subscribe to social mind numbing conformity myself, but i do find myself making sure i respect others.
    for 'just a story', it tells me a lot about who you are. and i'm not sure if you want to be seen as that person.
    there are no strict guidelines, you can hand in whatever you like for us to read and sure, we'll read it... but all i'm saying is if you want honest feedback, make sure you respect the readers by putting in some effort. don't just think your self imposed literary adeptness is enough to peak our enthusiasm, we want to see that you've thought about what you've written, not just a garble of words requiring the services of a babble fish.
    haha seriously, it's all about respect.

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    Quote Originally Posted by loki456 View Post
    and yeah it is 'just a story', but more than that, it shows me your regard for this community. if your willing to show us a piece of half assed dribble that you threw together in a few minutes, without making an effort to make it the best you could, what does that say about what you think about us. are we just some dumb hicks to you, who don't know what we are talking about?

    for 'just a story', it tells me a lot about who you are. and i'm not sure if you want to be seen as that person.

    don't just think your self imposed literary adeptness is enough to peak our enthusiasm, we want to see that you've thought about what you've written, not just a garble of words requiring the services of a babble fish.
    haha seriously, it's all about respect.
    Honestly, I posted the story with the intent of being least confrontational as possible. Confrontation was actually the furthest thing on my mind, if not being completely absent altogether. I do not consider my actions as a statement of how I see you folks. Folks I do not personally know nor ever will. So maybe the whole 'dumb hicks' thing is a little too much assumption on your part? Maybe it's too much for ME to assume that you overly assumed? That's a vicious cycle so let's just leave that topic alone.

    And as to how you see may see me; you can see me as a raving idiot if you wish hahaha. I'm very easy-going which would probably account for my 'just a story' outlook. No offence

    If you honestly want to see something well-thought out, and a statement to my character, then you should check out the discussion I started titled 'Religion' in the philosophy section. Just view my statistics to find it.

    -With respect (the Aretha Franklin kind), Grandpa
    Last edited by Strange Aeons; 12-06-2009 at 02:10 AM.

  10. #10
    Lunacy becomes me loki456's Avatar
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    ok ok, so the 'dumb hicks' call was the extrapolated emotive... a finesse of the literary repugnant and to my dismay the lowest of statements in Aristotlean (predicate) logic. A logic that has served me well in the past to formulate a statement. for that I am sorry.

    However, I am not sorry, for the rest of my statements. It DOES in fact tell me something about your character. I personally take pride in EVERYTHING I do, therefore the simple throwing of a few words together is not enough to me. I don't preach that everyone should be like me, personally I don't really care, i've read around quite a few things, and have made up my own mind on those things (the epitomy of true free thinking and the back bone to autonomy). alternatively, if i haven't read around, i simply state 'I have no such opinion as of yet'. you may not have meant your work and follow on comments to be a statement as to how you thought of us, but why would you give us something to read that wasn't refined to the best of your ability?

    by the way, i wasn't being confrontational and/or argumentative, it is simply how i speak, plainly, openly and with the least bit of condemnation. Like those who have taught me, alive and dead, discussion is far better than argument. for in discussion not only do I gain another perspective to either assimilate or disregard in my own opinion, but I also learn the character of another (probably the most important of the two). I have not simply made up my mind about you, you 'raving lunatic' you . and i probably never will, the internet forum is no such place for that. All I wanted to say was that if you had no pride in what you had done, if it was just something you slapped together and didn't really care about, what were you hoping from us? (maybe you did take pride in it, it just hadn't come across that way and to me that was what left me wondering if I had wasted my time).

    everything we do adds to the legacy of our lives, not just the thought out and well planned retorations. the door we failed to open for a lady, the seat we never gave up on the train, the cussing in public and the irrehensible dribble we allow to make its worldly exhibition is not done in private theatres. We are always seen and we are always judged.
    Last edited by loki456; 12-06-2009 at 03:30 AM.

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    I eat WAY too much lettuce

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