There are seven dogs on my street. One day they started barking and they haven’t stopped since. I can hear them wherever I go. It does not matter if they appear to be barking or not. Inside of my head they never stop.
It had taken me sometime to realize that six of them sound like people I know. My pharmacist and my sister are just two from the merciless canine choir that growl and roar while I try to sleep or, eat my food. Those two bark the loudest when it is time for me to take my medication. But I have stopped taking those pills. I’ve been saving them.
My computer is full of spyware, and the customer service representative who is supposed to be helping me fix this, thinks that it is funny to put on different voices every time I call to ask for the help. I know that this is the same person because; they always fail to fix my computer. When this tricky son of a ***** isn’t sabotaging my computer they are barking in my head with the rest of the dogs.
I don’t watch the shows on my television. All of the programs on TV are filled with people pretending to be somebody else, and you cannot trust people who make a living as liars. Even if wanted to listen to their bull****; there is always music playing in the background and that distracts me from what is being talked about. I only watch the news because; it contains information that could affect me. I have however, become increasingly concerned about the station director (who also happens to be the director and produced of the weekly evening news) David Bruce. I have trouble deciphering the strange facial expressions that people are always making but, lately I have noticed that the news anchors have been squinting with their eyes or setting their mouths in a very peculiar way. I believe this is done to confuse and irritate the viewer in order to elicit stronger emotions during viewing. I would simply watch the news on a different network but, the reception is poor and together with the barking; I cannot hear over the static. This has confirmed my worst fears; that these sadistic forms of torture have been (by the command of David Bruce) directed at me. I also believe he is one of my dogs. Even though I have not met the man or heard his voice, the language and technique are identical. I even fear that this is his design.
For a living I take orders over the telephone and you can be certain that from time to time the dogs call and pretend to be customers. I work for a company that sells sporting goods out of a catalog. One of the saddest and hardest things that I have to deal with is that my best friend and co-worker; Richard is my fifth dog. I liked him because he has a simple smile. I know that it means only joy or approval; it’s not tricky like the smiles of everybody else. Richard barks the loudest when I am lonely or depressed and that almost makes me feel better but, it really hurts the most because I know it’s just a ploy to keep me dependent to the barking. The dogs (whatever they really are) know that I can stop them and they will do anything they can to keep me pacified.
If I decided to fall in love it would be with Janet Sayers; she is a data analyst at the catalog company where I work. She is like Richard in a way that, she isn’t always making stupid or tricky faces. She does make those faces sometimes, but only to teach me a lesson if I say something stupid like ‘How was your day, Janet?’ I don’t need her and since I haven’t decided to fall in love with her; I haven’t decided what she means to me. It’s convenient that she’s around and I don’t have to rush to judgment on anything. I’m relieved she’s not one of the dogs but, it’s possible they are using her.
When she isn’t howling in my head with the rest of the pack; my sister comes to my house or calls me on the phone. She claims she wants to ‘Make sure I’m doing alright’ or other things like that but, I know she just wants to make sure I’m taking the pills. The pharmacist probably told her I have stopped taking my meds. He probably barked it to her in doggy code, right in my head, and right under my nose. That son of a ***** started making those tricky faces at me second I decided to quit the pills. So anyway, now I have had to take steps. Every day I take three pills out of the bottle (my daily dosage) and I hide them under the- never mind. If my sister comes sticking her snout around my house she’ll think I’m taking the pills. Now the pharmacist (Todd, that smug son of a *****) can see what it feels like to be unsure. Yesterday my sister asked me if I have ‘met anyone special.’ And chills ran down my spine. ‘Poor Janet Sayers’ I thought to myself, ‘whether or not you know about the dogs; they know about you.’
The other two dogs are me and the bus driver. He scares the hell out of me because; he keeps his face as straight as I do. Every time I have a particularly bad day at work or say something stupid to Janet; it’s after he drove me in. The worst thing about the bus driver dogs is that his barking sounds like silence. When the bus driver barks I can hear myself and this is the cruelest device that they use. It’s not me of course; I’m the one being terrorized. The use my voice and every stupid thing I have ever said to Janet. It is in this way that they not only terrorize but, demoralize me.
This may all sound crazy to you. You may ask; how can people simultaneously sound like them selves and the barking of dogs? Maybe you want to know how, one person can hear something when nobody else can. If you have to ask then you could never understand. You probably can’t understand; that for two days red was the only thing I could smell after I saw Janet smile in approval when the director of operations put his hand on her hip. Do you think I haven’t tried to go to the source and deal with the dogs on my block directly? Why do you think I have been saving my pills? I gave two weeks worth of my medication to the dog one house over; the beast that sounds like Richard, my best friend. All seven rose to a crescendo when I watched the little girl who lives next door cry over her dead retriever. I already told you that it doesn’t matter whether they appear to be barking or not.
So, once again I have been forced to take steps. I spent last night waiting outside of David Bruce’s office. I killed him of course. Item #864HK in my company’s catalog is a large hunting knife. The brain dogs (as I have come to call them) are still barking. I think that I know why they have not stopped but, I don’t want to bother telling you; it may sound paranoid. I know that I should just blow my brains out (Item # 533HR Walnut arms 302. Winchester) but, I’m afraid these dogs will be barking for eternity while I’m burning in hell. I have a plan that I cannot deviate from. Yes, maybe I do sound crazy but, let me ask you this; could an insane man stay as calm as I have for the past two months with a pack of dogs snarling and barking in his head?
While I write this I am waiting in my home. Soon my sister will come knocking (like she always does) and tonight I will have to ask her some questions. I don’t expect that the dogs will stop barking, regardless of how thorough my questioning is. My friend and co-worker Richard, gets out of work soon and the customer service rep who pretends to help me, answers his phone just a three hour drive from here.