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Thread: Prayer to a Star

  1. #1
    Dragon lover Bluebiird's Avatar
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    Prayer to a Star

    I wrote this today when trying to make up little nursery rhymes and songs for a story I'm planning set in a parallel world. I figured it might be useful to develop their culture and make them a bit more real.
    The inhabitants of this world believe that everyone has a star watching over them so this is a child's prayer to their star (it later becomes a lullaby as well).

    Prayer to a Star

    Little star watching from on high,
    Amid skies of cobalt blue,
    Please keep watching over me,
    And I will sing to you.

    Even in the dawning day,
    I know that you will light my way,
    And even if I cannot see,
    I know you're watching over me.

    Thank you
    (this part is optional and is not added when sung as a lullaby)

    I thought I'd post this and get other people's opinions and see if it needs improving.
    Any feedback would be useful. Thanks for reading .

    Also, if I think of any more for this story I'll add them to this post and not start a new one .
    No doubt but there is none other beeste comparable to the mightie dragon in awsome power and majestie, and few so worthie of the diligent studies of wise men - Gildas Magnus, Ars Draconis, 1465

  2. #2
    Registered User balehead's Avatar
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    I love the whole idea; it's really interesting ... not knowing much about poetry, I'm in no position to offer advice on improvement that could be made to your poem, al i know is that i enjoyed it
    Check out my music blog! <http://lilac-skies.blogspot.com/>

  3. #3
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    I do like it, it's ell-done. A caveat, though, since this is a parallel world, could this possibly have a little more substance? It is the kind of thing children in our universe would be taught, but shouldn't a parallel universe offer something a little different? Just a thought...
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  4. #4
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Don't take this wrong, I love the poem. What is wrong is that you use two different rhyme schemes in the two different stanzas of the same poem. When you choose a rhyme scheme, stick with it throughout the poem. Otherwise it is better not to rhyme at all...
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

  5. #5
    Dragon lover Bluebiird's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pendragon View Post
    Don't take this wrong, I love the poem. What is wrong is that you use two different rhyme schemes in the two different stanzas of the same poem. When you choose a rhyme scheme, stick with it throughout the poem. Otherwise it is better not to rhyme at all...
    I noticed that but I ignored it. I thought it would be a fun break a few rules of poetry
    No doubt but there is none other beeste comparable to the mightie dragon in awsome power and majestie, and few so worthie of the diligent studies of wise men - Gildas Magnus, Ars Draconis, 1465

  6. #6
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bluebiird View Post
    I noticed that but I ignored it. I thought it would be a fun break a few rules of poetry
    The point being, I think, that this is a prayer expressed by a youngish person in your alternate universe, so I for one have no objection to him/her not being perfectly consistent in the rhyme scheme, and the over-all feeling of it is a credible representation of the naive voice of a child.

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