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Thread: Old story rewritten let me know what you think.

  1. #1
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    Old story rewritten let me know what you think.

    Hope you enjoy what I put together.



    How stories began

    Over 50 thousand years ago, there was a small tribe struggling to survive. They had been facing by far their worst winter. The tribe had been roaming the frozen barren land for months with little to no food. All but one of the able hunters named chimsne was still alive to try and hunt for his people. As he left his temporary village to set out and hunt for the day, he thought about how the fate of his tribe rested on his shoulders. Each step he took through the deep snow was twice as hard as his first. All he had with him was his worn out animal hide clothing, a few spears, and a couple of small tools. Just like the days before, he ended up hunting all day without seeing any moving or living thing. Everything was frozen with no life to be found. As the day came to a close he felt unable to go back to his people empty handed again. It was too hard for him to watch his people die without being able to provide for them. He ended up sitting down next to a large rock just out of eyesight of the village. Chimsne was crying out load. "What a failure I am! I deserve to die...I am of no more use to my people than this rock here! I am not a great hunter....why would the Great Spirit put the fate of my village on my shoulders?" As he continued to cry, he suddenly heard a loud voice say, "Stop crying!" The voice startled him as he thought it was one of his people. As he glanced about his surroundings, he found that there was nobody there. Chimsne said aloud, "Who said that?! Where are you?" The voice said, "I said it, and I am right here." "Where," said Chimsne, "where are you?" The voice then said, "I am right here, I am the rock you have been leaning against and crying on." "How can this be?" asked Chimsne. "Rocks cannot talk, there is no life in them!" The rock then spoke in a softer voice and said, "Even though you cannot feel a trees' heart beat or feel the rise and fall of river breathing, everything you see around you is alive. Not all rocks, trees, or rivers can speak, but there are few of us that can. I have been sitting in this same spot for a million years. The only thing I remember is that I was flying through the air with hot lava all around me. My mother, also known as your Mother Earth, was giving birth to me and my own tribe. I will tell you more about myself later, but you and your tribe are what is important right now." The rock then said, "I want you to go back to your people and tell them that you tried your best hunting, but game and edible plants are very hard to find. Tell them a voice spoke out to you from the wilderness and said that tomorrow will be a better day and not to worry about food. Everything is going to be ok." This left Chimsne feeling better after talking to the rock. The very same evening, Chimsne went back to his tribe and told them what the rock told him to say.
    The next morning Chimsne woke one hour before dawn and set out to hunt all day long. Just like the day before, he was unable to find any forms of food. On his way home he stopped at the rock and said, “Rock, I thought you said today was going to be a better day? I went back to my tribe and repeated back to them what you told me...I told them that everything was going to be ok! If I return tonight without yet any more provisions, my people will be again angry with me and think for certain that I am losing my mind. What am I going to do?” The rock spoke in his soft voice and said. “I have sat here in this same spot for a million years. I have watched the days and nights go by. I have seen many changes around me. I have watched trees sprout, grow, die and rot away into nothing. I have watched families of all kinds be born, raised, grown, and sent out on there own. I have watched the seasons change. I have sat in the freezing rain and in the summer been cooked so hot...even being a rock thought I was melting. I am mostly alone. I have friends that stop by from time to time, but in the end it is only me sitting here, alone in solitude. My sole purpose in life is to sit here and watch what is going on around me, an observer of life. I understand to you that I am only a rock, but I alone have withstood the many passing of seasons, growing with knowledge far beyond your years. I understand the pain that you and your tribe are going through....go back to your people and tell them again you tried your best on hunting but game and edible plants are very hard to find. I want you to also tell them that a voice told you again that tomorrow will be a better day and not to worry about food. Everything is going to be ok."

    The next morning Chimsne set out two hours before sunrise to go hunting for his people. He was in the weakest state of his life, but knew he had to find food or perish. On his way to the hunting grounds, Chimsne stopped by the rock. Without saying a word, Chimsne placed his hands on the rock and said a silent prayer. While he was praying he really believed he could feel the rock breathing. After leaving the rock, Chimsne came to the top of a beautiful ridge overlooking a vast prairie. As the sun was rising in the east, there stood a lone buffalo. As the buffalo sensed a presence, it turned as if was going to charge him. Chimsne shook badly as he got his spear ready to throw. As he was doing so, the buffalo turned in the direction of the rock and took a deep breath. The buffalo turned suddenly sideways to give the Chimsne the perfect kill shot. In an instant, Chimsne threw his spear with all his strength, landing a perfect shot. The buffalo now lay dead on the ground, still of the life that has now left him. Chimsne walked slowly up to the lifeless beast and knelt down next to it. He placed his hand on the buffalo's head and said a prayer for the buffalo. After the prayer the buffalo let out his final breath and with it, brought hope to Chimsne's heart. Overjoyed, he made his way back to his tribe to gather help to butcher the buffalo. On his way back, he stopped by the rock. Chimsne said to it, "Oh wise Rock! I was able to kill one of the largest buffalo I have ever hunted! You were right...everything is going to be ok. With all this meat we will easily be able to make it until spring, how can I ever thank you?” The rock spoke and said. “I was awake this morning when you stopped by and prayed. While you prayed I prayed with you. After you left I knew you would have a good hunt. If you want to thank me this is what I want you to do. When you get back to your tribe before you tell them about the buffalo,
    I want you to tell them this whole story from start to finish leaving out nothing. While you are telling them this story, watch them and observe. You will notice that all their hunger pains, worries, fears, and suffering will be almost gone for the time that you are telling them this story. I want your tribe to tell this story as long as your tribe lives on. I would hope that your tribe will make new stories to tell in addition to this one. From this experience, I want you to understand the importance of story telling. By just telling or listening to a story it can take you to another place and make you forget about what is troubling you in hard times.



    And this story is how stories began.

  2. #2
    Phil Captain Pike's Avatar
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    Cool, your story rocks! Sorry, that was poor. I enjoyed reading your work here. I think technically, you could break the large paragraphs up, especially around the dialogue which is normally done. But this is a special kind of story -- is this really original? Somehow it seems like a story that would have been told long ago.
    How about giving us some more original works.

    Ничего нет лучше для исправления, как прежнее с раскаянием вспомнить.

  3. #3
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    old story re-written let me know what you think

    I think Captain Pike is right. You need to break the paragraphs up for easier reading. Imagine if they were printed in a book, they'd be even longer! Also, and I admit this is a crazy thought, but perhaps you've personified the rock too much. What he's saying is a rock's story, but he's telling it like a man would. Somehow you should imagine he tells it with pebbles in his mouth, if you know what I mean. Exactly what would he sound like? Good story!
    Steven Hunley

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